Surely it's not just me? I guess there's only one way to find out. Here are my 10 television truisms of the moment...

 

1. The person who last used the remote control (whether it's for the TV, DVD, video, etc) can never remember where they left it. As far as I'm concerned, this should be grounds for divorce.

 

2. Keira Knightley's advert for Chanel Coco Mademoiselle will always air during Paramount Comedy Channel's Sex And The City repeats. And just in case anyone asks, it's Joss Stone covering L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole, not Mariah Carey.

 

3. It's impossible to miss annoying adverts: Ladbrokes ("Oooooooooh-eeeer!"), non-UK boy with stinky poo ("It's all gorrrrrrn! It's all gorrrrrrrrrn!"), Pictures loans ("Dad's found yer scoot-ah!"), Morrisons ("I like my bread fresh..") et al.

 

4. Conversely, you're always on the loo when an advert you love comes on ("Quick! You're missing that advert you really like!").

 

5. Channel Five will always cut to a commercial break at the most inappropriate times during Columbo.

 

6. X Factor auditions are not funny anymore

 

7. Despite the abundance of TVs in a home, if the biggest and best telly is in the living room, there will still be arguments over what to watch.

 

8. The volume of the adverts on UKTV Gold, MTV and the Paramount Comedy Channel is loud enough to wake the dead....I saw Oscar Wilde in Borders and asked for his autograph.

 

9. It is no longer possible to find out the name of an actor via the end credits...unless you can read squeezed text.

 

10. Gorilla + Phil Collins does not = chocolate

 

 

Feel free to add your own TV truisms or a comment in general.

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - It's good to be a Gooner. Famouseccles, my Spurs supporting friend, if you're out there - look on the bright side and remember the 1980s when your lot did better than my lot..

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - My internet service provider. I have no Broadband; they have a technical call centre in India. They don't understand my sarf London accent, I can't decipher some of theirs (I've spoken to loads of people). It's soooooo frustrating! And I still have no Broadband. Grrrrrrrr!

 

MSN Editor Coops

 

Years ago, I entered a Daily Mirror Back To The Future competition. The prize included a pair of tickets to see the film and a bodywarmer jacket with the Back To The Future logo on it. I filled in my postcard (you had to in those days. None of this premium phone number/red button malarky), sent it off and forgot all about it. Until I won. Me, the girl who never wins anything, I won! I couldn't believe it. I was so happy, it was such a great thrill. But that was then and this is now; the innocence of those days is long gone.

 

Back in the late 1990s when I was working in radio, a friend of mine religously purchased a certain newspaper specifically for their competition regularly offering brand new flats as prizes. It was a token-based promotion and she entered each and every time they ran it. "Have you even thought about how easy it might be to influence the outcome?" I said during her fourth try. Puzzled, she asked what I meant. "Well, say you're the person at the other end, unless stringent measures are in place, what's to stop you from ensuring your friends, family or associates win?" I said. "If the winner isn't chosen in public...you do the maths." She stopped buying the newspaper and ripped the tokens from the department copy instead. 

 

That's why, when the string of TV phone-in/vote-in blunders and premium rate scandals first became public knowledge, I didn't bat an eyelid. As far as I'm concerned, it was a racket waiting to be exposed. What I didn't anticipate was the scale and depth of it. So far we have: Blue Peter fined £50,000 by media watchdog Ofcom after a child posed as a phone-in competition winner; GMTV fined a record £2m by Ofcom because callers to its premium rate competitions had no chance of winning; ITV dropping the British Comedy Awards after reportedly finding irregularities with phone voting on the 2005 show; X Factor overcharging viewers for votes cast via the red button in its most recent series; ITV1's Dancing on Ice final not processing thousands of votes properly because of a "technical problem" at the Vodafone network; ITV's phone-in quiz channel ITV Play scrapped after some of its premium-rate competitions were exposed for asking questions almost impossible to answer; Richard and Judy's You Say, We Pay competition under fire because thousands of viewers called a premium-rate number after contestants had already been chosen; Five fined £300,000 for faking winners on its Brainteaser quiz show (it was found to have broken the Ofcom code five times, including one instance where a crew member posed as a "winning contestant").

 

Not only is that lot the tip of the iceberg, there wil be more to come. I'd bet my house on it. It's long been my policy never to enter a competition that required me to pay a premium-rate for the privilege of doing so. Why should I? Those costs should be met by the promoter as far as I'm concerned. I never press that 'red button' on my remote either (unless it's free). Then again, it's easy for me to say; I'm not in a desperate financial situation, I don't care who gets voted off certain reality/talent shows and I'm also suspicious by nature. Ergo, I wasn't suckered in. But millions of trusting people were.

 

A long-awaited review into some ITV practices found "serious editorial issues" in Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway, Ant and Dec's Gameshow Marathon and Soapstar Superstar. ITV's chairman Michael Grade has promised a comprehensive scheme to reimburse affected viewers. He said he knew the report would make "deeply uncomfortable reading" and admitted: "My overall conclusion from the review is that there was a serious cultural failing within ITV." No Michael. The failing is, quite possibly, media-wide. Personally, I won't be voting and I won't be calling. Instead, I'll look out for these immortal words: 'answers on a postcard please'.

 

Are you still going to enter premium-rate competitions? Will you be voting to keep your favourites in on various reality/talent shows? Let me know by adding a comment below.

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - The Queer As Folk repeats on More4. Great show. And how skinny was Coronation Street's Antony Cotton back then?

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - UKTV Gold for taking Dallas off weekdays again. Cliff's in a coma UKTV Gold! You people have rotten timing. 

 

MSN Editor Coops

 

I received an e-mail from a reader of this blog and I'd like to address it publicly. Centring around my Strictly Come Dancing special's summation of John Barnes, it reads as follows:

 

"Well after reading your review of the clelebrity contestants of this years come dancing. I have admit to being slightly disappointed and dishearted that out of the 16 contestants, John Barnes the only black contestant gets the only negative review. "If he dances as well as he presents, he'll be out in the first week". With the lack of black roles models on uk TV why did you feel the urge to focus on negatives when Mr John Barnes as done so much to promote a positive image for black males.  Why oh why oh why did you not do, what you did for say Willie Thorne or Gethin Jones and just write a few simple facts about the man instead of feeling the need to slate him.
 
Very disappointed."

 

Here's what I said about John Barnes: "Hugely successful as a footballer, the former England international is now a TV presenter for Channel Five. If he dances as well as he presents, he'll be out in the first week. That analogy also applies to his rapping (remember Liverpool FC's Anfield Rap? Or New Order's World In Motion?)."

 

Disappointed MSN reader, thank you for your e-mail; I appreciate all feedback. I'll have to disappoint you again because I stand by every word. And in addition, I am unrepentant. I took pains to first state the obvious: John Barnes was a hugely successful footballer, for club and country. As an Arsenal fan, a black one at that, I know how influential he was in terms of being a positive role model for black people. I saw him maintain his dignity as he stepped away from bananas thrown at him on the pitch week in, week out - incredibly, some by supporters of the very club he played for. I even have a grudging admiration for his remarkable goal against Brazil in 1984 (he collected the ball at the halfway line and beat five Brazilian defenders). In terms of football, there's no questioning his talent and integrity.

 

But in my humble opinion (and excuse the Football League analogy), he's in the Football Conference when it comes to TV presenting - he's bloomin' awful! Slamming your tongue in a door is less painful than watching him emote robot-like about footy on Five. But if it makes you feel any better Disappointed MSN reader, the following are also useless: Jack Charlton, Alan Shearer, Ron Atkinson, Andy Townsend (whoever dreamt up his minging 'Tactics Van' should have every single hair pulled from their body with pliers), Ally McCoist,  Mark Lawrenson, Garth Crooks, Ian Wright (awful pundit - great TV personality) and the man I reserve all my bile for...Clive 'that magical night in Barcelona' Tyldesley. What a - well, I'll leave you to guess.

 
I've never been shy about stating my opinion about anyone on TV - black or white as you'll see if you peruse my list of TV's Most Annoying. I calls 'em as I sees 'em - regardless of colour.

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - A new series of South Park has just started on the Paramount Comedy Channel. Wh-hoo!

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - After all that hype, Virgin 1 is a bit of a letdown.

 

MSN Editor Coops

 

Pinch, punch first day of the month and no returns. The first blog entry of the new month is about looking back. I've perused all the feedback and mail sent in during September. Here's what you've been saying...

 

Hell's Kitchen stirred up some strong feelings thanks to the departures of Lee Ryan and Jim Davidson. The former left as he objected to a term used by chef Marco Pierre White ("pikey") while the latter used a term objected to by contestant Brian Dowling ("shirt lifter"). Cue debate:

 

braham83: "I'm quite split over the whole Jim Davidson issues on Hell's Kitchen. On the one hand I can feel myself sticking up for Jim to an extent...Brian is, and was in Big Brother, famous for exerting his sexuality and using it to his advantage. On the other hand...Jim is clearly behind the times!"

Tired of TV these days: Both utterly pointless people who, if they had any talent, would be making decent programmes instead of prostituting themselves on this show.

Entertainsingh: I for one am really glad that Jim has gone. All he has ever done is use sexual, racial and other types of stereotypes for his gags which aren't even really funny... 

tosh99: Good on you Jim. Nice to see it's not just me who is sick and tired of the gay community.

 

Controversy = ratings. I'll bet my Arsenal collection that the producers heaved a sigh of relief because without these two incidents, Hell's Kitchen was heading for Flop City. Or at the very least, Mediocre Lane.  

 

An article asking if TV in 1977 was better than it is today also stirred up some reaction. Opinion favoured 1977's offerings:

MKBS: I just looked at your gallery and 1977 is far better than today!

A J S: At 40 years old, I often despair at the lack of quality and variety that TV offers these days. If one was to remove reality shows and all of the extra soap operas it would eliminate much of what people watch.

 

However, a few voices made the case for perspective:

Bwooth: I don't believe the quality of TV programmes is worse these days - you only have to think about the money lavished on series like 24 and The Sopranos to see that - but you do have to search across more channels to find them.

 

Another blast from the past concerned the classic Kids Shows We Want Back. Emu is making a return to TV screens. I pulled out some of my childhood faves and presented them in the gallery. I then asked MSN users which other shows should follow...and you replied with gusto!

HeebeeBear: I enjoyed the trip down memory lane, it's nice to be reminded about my childhood. Bagpuss, Bod, The Flumps, Mary, Mongo and Midge, Swapshop, Tiswas.....

Ruthinshropshire: Anything with Johnny Ball.
Poppilop: Hugh, Pugh, Barney Mcgrew, Cuthbert, Dibble, Grubb!
MKBS: Trapdoor, Clangers, Wacky Races, Hair Bear Bunch, early Grange Hill, Fat Tulip(something), 70s Sesame Street, Crackerjack, Runaround, Hong Kong Phooey...Bring it all back!
nosliwenuj: Sorry, but Rod Hull and Emu was the worst thing on TV. Can't believe they're bringing it back with Rod's son as the stooge...so bad. I agree with bringing back Knightmare, it was the best. Also Dangermouse, Thundercats, Dungeons and Dragons, Bagpuss, Trap Door, Jamie and the Magic Torch, The Mr Men (not little misses), Chorlton and the Wheelies...I could go on....

 

Here on the blog, I wrote an entry blasting the editing of Tom and Jerry cartoons on DVD for PC reasons. This also struck a nerve. Conway said, "I agree that it's important that the originals are available uncut.  It's always problematic to 'deal' with racism in media by removing black representations...And there are some very talented performers that can still be enjoyed, in their context....Anyway, great entry!" On this topic, famouseccles added: "I have always said live and let live. I am over 60 so obviously something of a 'dinosaur' but I am wondering when the pendulum of PC is going to swing back towards common sense..." I've edited both well-argued comments as they're quite detailed. Ah, the irony!  () Please select the link and read them in full.

 

Finally, I decided to take A Trip Down VHS Memory Lane due to the fact that my video collection is squeezing me out of house and home. Some MSN users empathised:

Alan said: "I too have had the VHS problem. At least 12 years ago myself and a friend tried to count mine and lost count somewhere in the mid 3000s!"

Ken said: "Couldn't agree more about the old fashioned VCRs...I used to have an old Sanyo top loading Betamax; it weighed at least 3 tons...Finally had to get rid of it due to space, but like yourself, still keeping loads of Vhs Tapes with films on that you can't get on DVD yet...Very good article.

 

Thanks for all your comments and messages guys. Keep them coming in. That's it for this month as far as the mailbag is concerned.

 

MSN Editor Coops