I was 13 years of age the very first time I tasted Orangina, courtesy of a school trip to Dieppe. Back then, for me and my mates, drinking a carbonated concoction of orange juice and pulp out of a bulb-shaped, pebbly-textured bottle was the height of sophistication. After all, we were bred on a diet of intensely fizzy, scarily orange-coloured Fanta, Tango and own-brand supermarket orangeade - the kind so lethal to teeth, a year's brushing wasn't enough to remove all the sodium benzoate. This is how I remember the drink being marketed back in the 1980s (select link to play).... 

How times have changed. Thanks to a controversial commercial conceived around the concept of 'pulpeuse' (which in French has a double meaning: 'containing pulp' and also 'sexy' or 'voluptuous'), the Orangina advert of 2008 makes Campaign's list of this year's Top 10 Worst Ads. Personally, I think it should've been higher - it's a shocker! What's more, there are glaring omissions...where's Davina's Garnier Nutrisse abomination? Where's Pierce Brosnan's L'Oreal cheese-fest telling me, "You're worth it"? Watch the Top 10, as detailed below. Do you agree with Campaign's list? Let me know...

10. DFS - A load of people lip-synching to Nickelback's song Rockstar (because we all live out our 'rock star' fantasies on the sofa, don't we)? It's bad enough to make me nostalgic for Courts. Funnily enough, the advert is now banned. According to The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA), the sofas looked too big "in relation to the actors". That's the posh way of saying that the sofas were inflated (geddit?).

9. Samsung - Four Chelsea players play around with a ball and look like mugs (don't they always? Sorry, that's the Gooner in me talking). For non-footy fans, the South Korean electronics giant is the team's sponsor, hence the presence of the players. The advert is for their LCD Series 6 HDTVs but the creative is woeful. It's so poor, you'll be left with the impression that Samsung is muscling into couture and flogging suits rather than TVs.

8. Premier Inn - Isn't there a cruel irony in Lenny Henry fronting budget hotels? "Hey, I've found something small time!" he shouts to his manager in the advert. I'm guessing it's his recent CV, but no - it's the bill...

7. Orangina - Forget clowns, spiders, dentists and, if you're reading this P Diddy, long second toes - this advert truly is the stuff of nightmares. A million times more terrifying than flying cockroaches, it's a veritable anthropomorphic orgy of inter-species erotica. Or at least, that was the line complainants took when they contacted Ofcom and The ASA. Aside from viewers, the objectors included children's charities and equal rights groups up in arms over its sexual (and sexist, they said) content. According to French agency FFL Paris, here's what you need to sell Orangina in 2008: animals with bigger breasts than yer average page three model; pole-dancing creatures shaking their bootys; bikini-clad peacocks; gyrating giraffes; an octopus squeezing her 'oranges'; a fig leaf-wearing bear and....I can't do it justice. Watch it for yourself.

6. Kellogg's Wake Up To Breakfast - Dame Kelly Holmes is a legendary Olympian, but she can't read an autocue for toffee. She is human after all. Did I say human? After seeing her excruciatingly robotic delivery in this ad, I'm now convinced she's a cyborg sent from the future to kill John Connor.

5. Country Life - It was The Sex Pistols' Johnny Rotten who once snarled, "Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?" and as his alter ego John Lydon flogs butter to us, hordes of aging punks just might find themselves nodding in agreement with the younger incarnation...No wonder The Who sang the line: 'hope I die before I get old' in the classic My Generation.
MSN Music's Tom Townsend defends John Lydon here

4. Warburtons (click here to watch) - Mr Hatano, a businessman from the Far East, arrives in Britain, only to find the Warburtons name everywhere. It's all very Being John Malkovich and/or The Twilight Zone, but it doesn't really convince and it's barely memorable. I forgot I'd seen this ad until Campaign reminded me...

3. Renault (click here to watch) - It's entitled 'Le Cheque' and it commits the cardinal sin of being hideously dubbed. Cheap as frites...

2. Specsavers - The great Edith Piaf, La Môme Piaf, (The Little Sparrow) and her iconic song Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien used to push glasses? Zut alors!

1. Gillette - Here it is. The worst advert of 2008 according to Campaign. Personally, I'd argue that the cheesier-than-a-Gorgonzola-factory creative has actually succeeded in giving both Roger Federer and Tiger Woods a personality. But maybe that's just me and my warped sense of humour. Conversely, remember how cool Thierry Henry (we are not worthy! We are not worthy! We are not worthy!) was in those fab Renault Clio Va Va Voom commercials (refresh your memory here and here)? Well, the Gillette ads have sucked out every ounce of his je ne sais quoi-hipness. Instead, he comes across as the sort of person who shopped in Mr Byrite when he was a yoot. Hey Bobby, what's the French for 'naff'?

Today I am mostly lovin' - I can't get enough of Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory. This E4 US import about a group of geeks is getting better and better. The snappy script is a paean to the geek-hood. Take this snippet for example: the deeply anally retentive but vengeful-when-crossed Sheldon was described as: "one lab accident away from being a super-villain" - sheer genius. Then there's Sheldon's reluctance to watch The Clone Wars TV series because he hadn't seen the film: "I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended," he said. Ha,ha,ha! And best of all, the 'rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock' method of settling disputes....except it doesn't, as everyone opts to be Spock! If you haven't seen this show yet, check it out.

Today I am mostly hatin' - Tabloid-fed hysteria over the various utterances of TV personalities. In some cases, it's understandable - but in others, it's ridiculous. 

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9.26: Time for the first award; it's the British Comedy Entertainment Personality Award and 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin (no less) is handing it over. He's picked up on Angus' diss and asks if Five is the "Siberia of UK TV channels." The audience roars with laughter and a very funny exchange follows about Five. After much merriment, the award goes to............Alan Carr! That's a surprise; I would've put money on Ant and Dec. They've been on top form this year: from Britain's Got Talent right through to I'm A Celebrity. A visibly shocked Alan Carr wastes his big moment; his speech is about as funny as a heart attack. He gushes ("I love everybody!), looks at his award and gushes again. He obviously didn't prepare a speech (and admits it). On the basis of that acceptance performance, he deserves to never, ever, ever win another award again. "Thank you very much. See you on Celebair," he ends. The lesson here is; fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

9.30: Best Female Performer has gone to Sharon Horgan. The most notable thing about this award was comedian Stephen K Amos. He attempted a joke about being the second black comedian there and the sound that followed was not laughter; it was the tumbleweed rolling across the stage. Stephen, we know you're black - we can see it. What's more, you say it every single time you're on TV. The bigger surprise is that you're gay. Make a joke about black gay men and I just might be able to stifle my yawn next time. Either change the record or nick something from Chris Rock. Now there's a man who can make gut-busting race observations.

21: 45: Anthony Head and Eva Mendes show up to present the next award. A strange pairing indeed. Angus tries to find out how much of an Anglophile Eva Mendes is and asks her what she knows about Brit comedies. She mentions growing up loving Benny Hill. He tells her to try someone who's alive. "He's dead!!!??" she replies, genuinely shocked. Cue a roar of laughter from the audience. They announce the award (why are two people needed to do this?) Best Comedy Entertainment Programme goes to..........Harry Hill's TV Burp. Yep, well-deserved. He has me on the floor with his pinpoint accurate TV observations. The entire production team, minus an absent Harry Hill, go up to collect the award. That's my cue to put the kettle on.

21:49: The award for Best Live Stand Up Performer goes to.....Russell Brand! Much enthusiastic cheering - one senses that the star-studded audience feel any endorsement of the Manuelgate/Sachsgate/whatever-gate you want to call it, duo is akin to striking a blow for freedom, democracy or revolution; like they're all Che Guevara or something. Russell can't be there (he's filming in LA, dahhhhhhhhhhling) so we go to VT and there's the incredibly unfunny Adam Sandler (stubbing your toe is funnier) standing next to the incredibly dandy-ish Russell Brand. He makes a nice speech and generously dedicates his award to his Manuelgate/Sachsgate/whatever-gate you want to call it, partner-in-crime Jonathan Ross. The only thing missing was him sticking two fingers up at the Daily Mail.

21:56: Ronnie Corbett is wheeled out for The Writers' Guild Ronnie Barker Award. Hooray for both Ronnies! What legends. The award goes to David Renwick, best known for sitcom One Foot in the Grave and the mystery series Jonathan Creek. His speech includes a touching tribute to recently deceased comedy writers and producers.

22:03: It's another American A-lister! What is this, the Emmys? Anyway Juliette Lewis, a former girlfriend of Brad Pitt no less, shows up to present the next award. "How are The Licks?" Angus asks, before explaining to anyone who's not-with-it that The Licks is the name of her rock band. An older looking Juliette (how did that happen? When did those lines appear on her neck?) goes into a long and not very interesting spiel about why the band's name may have to change. After what seems like a year, Juliette finally announces that the Best Television Comedy Drama goes to....Drop Dead Gorgeous. A bit of a surprise as Channel 4's Skins was the much-hyped likely winner.

22:10: The Outstanding Contribution To British Comedy is awarded posthumously. It's gone to Geoffrey Perkins who was a comedy producer, writer and performer and a central figure in British comedy broadcasting. Recently deceased (he died from injuries after an accident involving a lorry) his CV includes the likes of Spitting Image, The Fast Show, Benidorm, Father Ted and Friday Night Live. His children go up to receive the award. Bless.

22:18: That bloomin' gory advert warning people to wear a seat belt has just been on. Y'know the one I mean? The one with the graphic illustration of internal organs being damaged. I was eating pizza too. Yuck.

22:21: Lucy Davis (now living and working in LA) and Adrian Chiles are on hand to present the next award. Angus quips that The One Show is so-called because "it was the one show that nobody thought would work". Hahahaha! The award for Best Comedy Panel Show goes to......QI. Phil Jupitus goes up to collect the gong from the lovely Lucy. He opens with "Yeah, and they can stick it too!" To nobody's surprise, it doesn't get much of a response. But then he observes: "I got into comedy because I didn't want to be a fat, middle-aged bloke, stuck behind a desk doing the same thing every week...." Cue laughter from the audience and Phil wisely decides to quit while he's ahead.

22:25: Heston Blumenthal and Tamsin Outhwaite step up to present the next award. Angus clearly struggles to make the requisite pointless-introductory-chatter-at-the-podium and when he eventually finds a hook (Little Chef restaurants - the celeb chef is making them over), Heston takes too long trying to find something to say and there isn't time to shoot the breeze with Tamsin. Hilarious! Now that's what I call TV gold. She graciously moves on with the show and announces that the Best TV Comedy Actor Award goes to......Ricky Gervais for 2007's Extras Christmas Special. There's disappointment and resentment in the room and one heckler audibly shouts out "B*ll*cks!" as Ricky's VT is rolling. You couldn't make it up. Is it anger that Peep Show's David Mitchell didn't win? Who knows. The VT shows Ricky Gervais in his pyjamas: "I can't be bothered to be here, there in person," he says. "This is beneath me to be honest. I've won real awards, Golden Globes and Emmys." Laughter ensued when he revealed a string vest-wearing George Michael in bed with him, surrounded by all his awards. A bit of double entendre followed (Gervais' hand is under the covers and he pulls out something hard - it's a DVD of his shows). The VT ends but the audience is a tad slow to clap and cheer. "Ricky Gervais, a popular winner," says Angus Deayton. 

22: 36: Robert Powell steps up to announce the winner of the British Comedy Lifetime Achievement Award (why do I still only think of him as Jesus of Nazareth?). The recipient is Jasper Carrott. Daughter Lucy has tears in her eyes - I'm wondering if it's tears of embarrassment cos her dad's dying up there courtesy of his strangely humourless acceptance speech. At the end, he says comedy is a young person's game. Yeah? Try telling that to Larry Sandler.

22: 40: Frank Skinner and someone from the sponsor of the event go up to the podium for the last award of the night. Frank Skinner quips: "Your suspension's dragging on a bit, innit?" Cue huge cheers and laughter. Yes BBC, get him back and give him a show. He may be a Man Utd supporter, but even I've forgiven him for that. Frank Skinner announces that the Best TV Comedy is......Gavin and Stacey. Funniest thing is the audible heckler who cries out: "F**k off!" Ladies and gents, I don't think I could've put it better. Just for good measure, he shouts it again. The ITV1 awards ends in a rush because we have to turn over to ITV2 for the last three gongs (which are featured in a programme also including the after-show party). What kind of poxy programming is that? OK, I'm turning over. Bloody lot of nonsense if you ask me....

ITV2

22:47: Some bird (no idea who she is) is at the podium with Angus Deayton to present the Best New British Comedy gong. It goes to The Inbetweeners. It's a Channel 4 comedy about a group of sixth-form teenagers in surbubia. They're not cool enough to be popular and they're not geeky enough to be shunned - hence, The Inbetweeners. Everyone gets up on stage to accept the award and much mayhem ensues.

22:55: It's time for the Best Television Comedy Newcomer (Female) and the award goes to...Katy Brand. How is that possible? Gordon Brown is funnier than she is. That Big Ass show of hers is big ar*e. Oh well.

22:59: It's time for the Best Television Comedy Newcomer (Male) and the award goes to...Simon Bird, star of The Inbetweeners. Channel 4 will be happy.

And that's it. I can see why the last three awards are shoved onto ITV2 now, but my work here is done. That's it for another year. On Angus Deayton's showing, I don't think Jonathan Ross has got too much to worry about. Admittedly, this hasn't been a vintage British Comedy Awards by any means. Absent stars, rubbish speeches - that was nearly two hours of my life that I will never get back...g'night.

Today I am mostly lovin' - How good is the BBC's comedy TV gem Outnumbered? If you haven't heard of it, don't worry - you're not the only one. I'm a relative newcomer to this show and I'm kicking myself that I didn't discover it earlier. Largely improvisational, it's a neat twist on the family sitcom. And it's funny as hell. I'll go into more detail about this series in a forthcoming blog entry. See it on Saturday nights on BBC1 or catch-up with the latest instalment on Wednesdays on BBC2 or the BBC's iPlayer.

Today I am mostly hatin' - The fact that there'll be no more Terry Wogan on Eurovision. What a legend. It's the end of an era, peeps. 

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