An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The landlord turns around and says: "What is this, some kind of joke?" Boom-boom! An Englishman, an Irishman and a Rabbi walk into a pub. The Rabbi suddenly stops and says: "I think I'm in the wrong joke." Boom-boom! 'Ere, 'eard the one about the disabled CBeebies presenter who's currently the victim of a vicious, nasty, abhorrent, vile and cruel campaign engineered by idiots who, having been blessed with working reproductive organs, are able to call themselves 'parents'? This is no joke. There is no 'boom-boom' to follow. These people say that Cerrie Burnell, born with one hand, is not suitable to appear on the digital children's channel because she is 'scaring' their offspring.

When I was young, I vaguely recall seeing Ironside and Sandy from Crossroads in their wheelchairs and I didn't really bat an eyelid. However, as thalidomide was often in the news, my mum said that I asked questions about the children who were affected by the drug. "You did say: 'why does that boy look like that'?" she recalled as we discussed this Cerrie Burnell issue. "I said, 'when he was inside his mum's tummy, she took some bad medicine and the medicine did something bad to his arms and legs'." I asked her if I accepted the explanation. She replied: "As a child, all you did was ask questions - it drove me mad. But afterwards, you'd forget all about it and you'd want to watch cartoons!" I asked my mum if I was scared. "No," she responded. "You were always curious."

I think you're all familiar with that advert for Cancer Research in which a little girl lists what she's not scared of. She mentions things children are traditionally frightened of: the dark, spiders, clowns etc. Well, I hate clowns and, to this day, I am still freaked out by the public information films that used to air during daytime TV in my formative years. Daytime TV y'know! Cerrie Burnell's got nothing on the likes of these:

      

With that in mind, allow me to give you an example of the views about Cerrie Burnell currently polluting message boards near you (please note that I will make no attempt to correct grammar or spelling errors as that would bestow a level of intelligence so clearly lacking):

• "What ever next! Will I be paying my licence fee to watch someone without any legs! Or will they be scaring my kids with someone with absolutely no limbs whatsoever! That'll give them nice DREAMS won't it! Give me my money back BBC and Pull your socks right up!!"
  Lionel Candsworth, London, UK,   
• "Is it just me, or does anyone else think the new woman presenter on CBeebies may scare the kids because of her disability? I didn't want to let my children watch the filler bits on The Bedtime Hour last night because I know it would have played on my eldest daughter's mind and possibly caused sleep problems. And yes, this is a serious post."
  Barry 
• "What is scary is the BBC's determination to show "minorities" on CBeebies at every available opportunity! Before everyone lyches me - take a second aside and actually think about it - I have no problem with it if it happens "organically" in the general making of a TV programme. But every programme seems to have a PC agenda - it has to tick this box and that box"
• I absolutely believe she is entitled to be doing this job, however, I just don't feel it is necessary to have it "on show". Why can't she have her sleeve tucked under or something - that way it povokes awareness of her disability without the "scarey" image. At the moment it seems like the BBC are simply "flaunting" her disability, totally unnecessary and does make you question the reason for her getting the job in the first place.
  Concerned mum, Berkshire

Just a few illustrations of how moronic human beings can be. In my eyes, it's a stoooooopidity and crassness that has reached such a low, even Jeremy Kyle would refuse to have them on his show. A BBC spokesman said they'd received nine formal complaints about Ms Burnell; fortunately, faith in common sense is somewhat validated by the huge number of people who have backed her.

The mother of a four-month-old daughter who works as a teaching assistant at a special needs school in London, Cerrie Burnell admitted to being upset by the comments. She branded her critics 'small minded' and their remarks 'terrible'. "Children come up to me in the street every day and say 'What's that'?" she said. "I wouldn't say they're frightened but certainly they're inquisitive. I would always take the time to explain to a child. All they want is an explanation. They want to know 'What's that?' and 'What's happened?' and 'Why are you different?' And then they will move on."

Got that 'concerned mum in Berkshire' et al? Children are naturally curious - it's how they learn. If your child is old enough to ask the question, they just might be old enough to hear the answer. "Mummy, why does that lady have one hand?" "Some people are born with two hands - like you and me. Some people are born with one hand, like the lady on the telly. Some people have black hair, like you. Some people have red hair. Some people have straight hair, like Aunty Carol. Some have curly hair, like daddy. Everybody's different." Just what is so bloomin' difficult about that? Have all you detractors completely lost your parenting skills in addition to your minds?

The ironic thing for all you objectors is that, in all probability, your child may be educated alongside children with a disability of some sort. How will you handle that situation then? Will you insist that the school throw them out so that your precious one doesn't have to see an infant who isn't exactly like them? Why stop there? Why not throw away the blind, the deaf, amputees from meningitis, kids with cleft lips and/or palates et al? Heck, why not go all out and keep your sprogs from anyone with bad teeth or bunions? I, for one, sincerely congratulate all you narrow-minded, ignorant, scaremongering bigots. You are the dictionary definition of namby-pamby, cry-baby, fraidy-cat, lily-livered, wussy, yellow-belly, wimpy, milksops who are unable to deal with aspects of society. With regard to Ms Burnell, you give your children far too little credit; they will probably turn out to be more grown-up about her disability than you are.

• If you disagree with me, please feel free to take me to task and explain your stance. Due to the fact that I like to think posters here have more imagination, I am issuing a challenge: see if you can express yourself without using the stock, pat and clichéd, 'get a life!' - it annoys the mucus out of me. Come on peeps, do me proud!

Today I am mostly lovin' - Robert De Niro in sense-of-humour shock at The Oscars. The man who, usually, can barely crack a smile, actually cracked a brilliantly funny joke about Sean Penn: "How did he do it? How, for so many years, did he get all those jobs playing straight men?" Cue laughter from everyone. Wow! Robert De Niro's funny! And it didn't stop there. Sean Penn memorably opened his Best Actor acceptance speech with the following: "You commie, homo-loving, sons of guns!" And well done to Slumdog Millionaire and Kate Winslet, of course.

Today I am mostly hatin' - Sky1's red-carpet Oscars coverage. I watched five minutes of Fearne 'rent-a-bubbly-bland' Cotton and my stomach rebelled; I had to turn over to E! The Americans, headed by Ryan Seacrest, are just as bland, ask da stoooooooopiest questions ("Are you excited to be here?") and their obsequiousness is such, that even Oprah - 'I just love you! Don't we all just love him/her, audience?' - Winfrey would balk, but they're infinitely less annoying and more entertaining.

MSN Editor Coops
Don't miss a trick - Add MSN Reality TV Agent to your IM contacts

Another week, another channel re-brand. Say goodbye to UKTV People and hello to Blighty. Great excuse to throw a party! And nobody, but nobody, does channel launches quite like UKTV. The venue was Proud Camden, which used to be stables, located along Chalk Farm Road (a short walk from Camden) in north London. It's completely bizarre to be indoors, but on cobbles (I almost felt sorry for the women wearing heels). The old stalls were used cleverly to reinforce the Blightly theme and showcase other re-brands; we took afternoon tea in one room, passed on the opportunity to get our tea leaves read in another, walked through the room promoting new UKTV propositions Yesterday (guess what that channel used to be called) and Eden and passed on the cheese room (after all the gorgeous hors d'oeuvres I'd scoffed, I couldn't take the smell).


We were entertained by A Handbag Of Harmonies, a female choir from Chester who put their own unique spin on some Beatles classics before extending their repertoire to Britney Spears. David Abraham, the UKTV CEO followed and in a self-congratulatory speech, bullishly summarised the probable reasoning behind all the re-brands: "There are no prizes for obscurity," he said. Comedian Danny Wallace followed and had us all in stitches with a genius monologue extolling the virtues of the British: "We are Stephen Fry...but we are also Kerry Katona," he said. "We are Pat Butcher. We are Wun Tun. We are 20 B&H..." Unfortunately, I missed some of the other 'we ares...' as I was too busy laughing. The last bit of entertainment comprised some beautiful traditional Indian dancing and...fish and chips.

So - what's it all about Alfie? Well, according to the press book: "Blighty revels in what makes the country brilliant". There will be BBC acquisitions (Who Do You Think You Are, Coast etc), but I'll briefly outline three original commissions. First off, My Brilliant Britain. 'The full English breakfast. Being beside the seaside. The good old B&B. Britain has more than its fair share of quirky charms, so Blighty has gathered a host of unconventional British celebrities, including Danny Wallace, Goldie and Alan Cumming, to consider the eccentricities that make Britain, well British. Where else, for example, could you find a museum dedicated to lawnmowers?'

Secondly, The People's Pub (working title). 'The British boozer is an institution...independent public houses are closing at a rate of five every day. We are in danger of losing part of our national heritage and letting the lifeblood of our communities drain away. In this exclusive series, five communities are being given the chance to fight back, to bring back their very own British boozer.'

Finally, Made In Britain. 'If you were to throw out everything in your home that wasn't made in Britain, what would be left? Dom Joly is to restock his home and his wardrobe with British-made goods, and he'll have to travel all over the British isles to find them. Get ready for one remarkable road trip.' 

So there you have it. I note the current debate posters have raised - does the word 'Blighty' denote England only (irrespective of the dictionary meaning)? A couple of non-English posters appear to think it does. Time will tell whether Blighty the digital channel turns out to be, as its strapline cries, 'one nation under a channel'.
Watch the trailer for Blighty here

All this talk of Blighty neatly leads me from UKTV to UK TV. We may not have the enormous resources of American TV, but when we get it right, few can live with us. Yeah, OK, we're the nation of The Jeremy Kyle Show and Trisha. We're also the nation of Celebrity Wrestling, Babes In The Wood, The Girlie Show, Alastair Burnet's Royal Interviews (oh, the horror!), The Gaby Roslin Show and Davina. But, in terms of televisual achievement, you won't get much better than the following ten programmes. Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the TV waves!

Cathy Come Home - Made for the BBC's The Wednesday Play in 1968, this is the shattering story of Cathy (Carol White) and Reg (Ray Brooks), a young couple with kids that get caught in a poverty trap and end up homeless. Directed by Ken Loach, its combination of drama and factual programme-making techniques reinforced the sombre message. It shocked the nation when it was originally transmitted and it still retains the power to profoundly affect anyone that views it today.

The Up Series - Granada's landmark documentary series was inspired by the Jesuit saying: "Give me the child until he is seven and I will show you the man." The original Seven Up was broadcast on ITV in 1964 as a one-off World in Action special, featuring children who were selected from different backgrounds. Every seven years, Michael Apted has returned to film them and although they've all got compelling stories to tell and share, the one person who has touched the hearts of millions is Neil Hughes. A carefree child of seven, he was homeless and struggling mentally when the show revisited him for 21 and 28 Up. He is now a Lib Dem councillor. 

Brideshead Revisited - Less a TV series, more a national event and treasure. Evelyn Waugh's novel was majestically transformed into this classic, lavish 1981 presentation. It boasted an utterly faithful adaptation, a dream cast, memorable performances, sumptuous locations and the stately Castle Howard, ancestral home of the Marchmains both here and in that vastly inferior movie that came out recently. The story of one man's association with an aristocratic family, it starred Jeremy Irons, Anthony Andrews (rightly lauded for his unforgettable performance as the tragic Lord Sebastian Flyte), Diana Quick, Sir John Gielgud, Claire Bloom and Laurence Olivier in an Emmy Award-winning performance.

The Naked Civil Servant - "When I was coming to America, I went to the American Embassy and the man asked me: 'Are you a practicing homosexual?' And I said I didn't practice. I was already perfect." Wonderful 1975 drama about the life of the late Quentin Crisp. Defiant about his homosexuality at a time when it was illegal, John Hurt's performance as the flamboyant and witty gay icon rightly brought him international acclaim. Look out for the sequel, which deals with the Englishman's life in New York, soon.

Boys From The Blackstuff - Alan Bleasdale's hugely acclaimed 1982 series depicts the abject misery and despair of long-term unemployment in Thatcher's Britain. Set in Liverpool, we're presented with profoundly moving human dramas of five working-class men struggling to survive on the dole. The story that everyone remembers is the most tragic one; that of Yosser Hughes (brilliantly played by Bernard Hughes) whose desperate "Gissa job" plea became a national catchphrase. The 'black' here doesn't just apply to 'the black stuff' (the tarmac the men used to lay), it also sums up what little humour is on display. I haven't seen it since the original airing but I'll never forget one example of this black humour. One of the building projects the men were illegally working on (they were all signing-on so it was a cash-in-hand job) turned out to be a dole office. Essential viewing.

Doctor Who - Whenever I catch the classic series, I can't believe my generation used to watch it from behind the sofa when we were kids. How funny is that? Anyway, the Doctor has come face to face with a number of exciting and evil monsters and aliens since 1963. Travelling through time and space, various actors have thrilled millions as the Time Lord over the years.

Life On Earth - This is the first natural history programme I ever saw in my life and, to this day, I remember how enthralled I was by it. A groundbreaking BBC series, it first aired in the UK in 1979. David Attenborough (we are not worthy!) travels the globe, tracing the story of the evolution of life on our planet.

Fawlty Towers - "Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. [returns to the Germans] So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads." It's been making the world laugh since 1975. Inspired by a hotel John Cleese once stayed in, incredibly, only twelve episodes were ever filmed. Twelve!

Upstairs Downstairs - Upstairs, the aristocratic but scandal-prone Bellamys; downstairs, their lively servants (including co-creator/producer Jean Marsh as Rose) managed by the unswervingly loyal butler Hudson (Gordon Jackson); together, TV magic. Beautifully written and acted, this Bafta and Emmy-award winner is one of our most successful shows, seen by over 1 billion people worldwide since its 1971 debut.

Blue Peter - Now in its 50th year, it's the world's longest running children's TV series. The show that sent sales of sticky-back plastic soaring (probably) is struggling to retain its audience. Will the BBC do a Top Of The Pops and let it die in an ignominious manner? We celebrate fifty years of Blue Peter here.

Today I am mostly lovin' - Come Dine With Me. It's sooooo addictive (although I prefer the old format). Essentially, it's all about finding the hostest with the mostest but my goodness, if this isn't the bitchiest show on TV, I'd like to know what is. Totally loving Dave Lambert's sarcastic commentary.

Today I am mostly hatin' - I watched ITV1's coverage of The BRITs and an evil part of me gloried in James Corden and Mathew Horne dying so horrifically on stage. James Corden may be a very nice man for all I know, but he increasingly comes across as a right self-satisfied, too eager to believe his own publicity, smug geezer. Nice to see him brought down to Earth with a bump (I still like Gavin and Stacey though).

MSN Editor Coops
Don't miss a trick - Add MSN Reality TV Agent to your IM contacts
Share It

del.icio.us	Digg	Facebook	Google
Live Spaces	MySpace	Newsvine	Reddit
StumbleUpon	Technorati	Twitter	Yahoo! My Web

It looks like Carol Thatcher is counting the cost of referring to a tennis player as a 'golliwog' after being axed from the BBC's The One Show. The journalist daughter of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher made the remark during a conversation with presenter Adrian Chiles and several guests. After being challenged about the comment, she apologised and dismissed it as a "joke". Her position on the show is understood to have become untenable after she declined to issue an unconditional apology to those she had offended. A BBC spokesman said: "We will no longer be working with Carol Thatcher on The One Show."

Conscious of the fact that younger readers of this blog may be ignorant of the term (it's entirely a possibility), a teeny explanation (courtesy and © Dr David Pilgrim, Professor of Sociology, Ferris State University, Nov 2000): "Golliwogs are grotesque creatures, with very dark, often jet black skin, large white-rimmed eyes, red or white clown lips, and wild, frizzy hair... The golliwog image, popular in England and other European countries, is found on a variety of items, including postcards, jam jars [Robertson's used a golliwog called Golly as its mascot from 1910 until the late 20th century], perfume bottles, clocks, books [as featured in some Enid Blyton tales and Agatha Christie's Ten Little Niggers, which showed a golliwog lynched, hanging from a noose], greetings cards..." etc.

May I direct you to Wikipedia's page if further explanation is required? In short, and depending on your point of view, a golliwog is either deeply offensive on every level racially, or a loveable, cuddly childhood icon.

This brouhaha is rumbling on, as brouhahas tend to do: viewers are complaining to the BBC about their decision to drop Ms Thatcher from The One Show and her spokesperson is demanding an apology. Four things instantly crossed my mind when the story first broke. 

1. Why do we even know about all this? If the remark was made in the relative privacy of a BBC green room, that's where it should've stayed. I thought the Beeb had internal disciplinary processes.  

2. It immediately brought back my childhood memories of being called 'golliwog' at school (I'd almost forgotten that). My mum instructed me to turn the other cheek, but my attitude instead was always 'wot a bloody cheek!'. Needless to say, I'd then get into trouble for fighting.

3. Where's Big Ron these days? Ron Atkinson's ITV punditry came to an abrupt halt in 2004 after an off-air conversation with commentator Clive Tyldesley. Big Ron thought his mike was off and let rip at then Chelsea player Marcel Desailly in an utterly disgusting manner: "He is what is known in some schools as a f***ing lazy thick n***r!" The irony of this is, as manager of West Bromich Albion in the 1970s, Ron Atkinson championed black players. He signed the late great Laurie Cunningham, Brendan Batson and Cyrille Regis who became known as 'The Three Degrees' (they even posed with the lovely ladies of Prince Charles' favourite group as this picture shows).

4. I am 100% not surprised that jolly-hockey-sticks Carol, totally uninhibited, frank and tewwwwwibly upper middle-class, used an antiquated term to refer to a black man. She's not alone in displaying a bit of cultural insensitivity. Prince Phillip is the classic example (too many gaffes to list, but during a Royal visit to China in 1986 he told British students: "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed.") and his grandson Harry's clearly a chip off the old block as the Nazi costume faux pas and recent P*ki row show. 

For her part, Carol Thatcher told the Daily Mirror she was "completely baffled by all the fuss". In one respect, I can understand why she's befuddled. I watched an instalment of Five's topical morning show The Wright Stuff last year and, while discussing stories from the newspapers, she bemoaned the Jean Charles de Menezes inquest in a manner that exhibited brutal disregard for the feelings of his family. Matthew Wright had to jump in and point out why his loved-ones might have been feeling aggrieved. For all her Academia, she can be rather clueless when it comes to social niceties. Lest we forget, this is the woman that had a wee in the I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here! camp, in full view of the cameras, and let EastEnders' Sid Owen take the blame for it.

BBC arts correspondent David Sillito said the row was about "what is and what is not acceptable to say in a workplace" No it isn't. Not entirely, anyway. The way I see it, Thatcher-gate is about the BBC being in a post Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand/Sachs-gate/Manuel-gate/whatever-gate-you-want-to-call-it era. The powers-that-be have acted swiftly rather than risk being caught on the back foot again. Some may wonder if Auntie has acted a little too swiftly by axing Ms Thatcher as a roving reporter for The One Show. After all, if private conversations in the workplace are fair game, lord help us all.

Her spokesman told The Times that she made, and I quote, "a light aside about this tennis player and his similarity to the golliwog on the jam pot when she was growing up." Maybe so but whichever way you look at it, it isn't the most flattering of comparisons to make. There's just no nice way of saying that a black man looks like a golliwog.

* As this is an emotive subject, I will be deleting any messages that overstep the mark or stray too far from the topic. No swearing please; racial terms must be in context with the originating subject only. 

* Due to the fact that I like to think posters here have more imagination, I am issuing a challenge: see if you can express your frustration without using the stock, pat and clichéd, 'get a life!' - it annoys the mucus out of me. Come on peeps, do me proud!

Today I am mostly lovin' - ITV4 are currently using a trailer to promote their Cult Classics strand that parodies The Beastie Boys' Sabotage video, which in turn parodied 1970s American cop films/TV. The segments with The Sweeney and The Professionals work best (for obvious reasons). But I am absolutely LOVIN' it. Watch it here - it's genius.  

Today I am mostly hatin' - Here's my review of Five's new comedy/drama Minder starring Shane Richie. Says it all really.

MSN Editor Coops

Don't miss a trick - Add MSN Reality TV Agent to your IM contacts
Share It

del.icio.us	Digg	Facebook	Google
Live Spaces	MySpace	Newsvine	Reddit
StumbleUpon	Technorati	Twitter	Yahoo! My Web