I discovered Gladiators. As far as my circle of friends and family are concerned, that is. Back in the early 1990s, ITV's Night Time strand included an odd programme called American Gladiators. I'd get in from a night out and tune in to this over-the-top and hugely camp extravaganza in the wee hours of the morning. I'd never seen anything like it and instantly fell in love. So did a million or so other night owls. Realising the potential of their cult hit, ITV cashed in with a UK version.

The Saturday night primetime incarnation was presented by Ulrika Jonsson, John Fashanu and later, Jeremy Guscott; it ran from 1992-2000 and made household names of the likes of Trojan, Wolf, Shadow, Jet, Nightshade and Hunter. To this day, it is still fondly remembered. Little wonder Sky One is bringing it back in May; Kirsty Gallacher and Ian Wright are your hosts and legendary referee John Anderson ("Contender READY!") resumes his iconic role.

Yesterday, I attended a press launch for the revamped series. And boy, did Sky One put on an impressive (and expensive) show. Pyrotechnics, fire, thunderous music - the works.

John Anderson strode out to enthusiastic applause, folded his arms and then opened his lungs: "Photographers READY!". That man's got some serrrrrrrrrious pipes on him - he must've been a nightmare as a baby. And then it was time to bring out the 12 new lycra-clad, bicep-bulging Gladiators. My initial impression? Most of them appear far less bulky than their 1990s counterparts. And that's just the women. Even I could take on some of the geezers. As a couple of the female Gladiators walked away, I spotted flesh wobbling - Jet would be horrified. Anyway, I made quick notes about each of them as they strutted their stuff down the runway and posed. Here goes:

Destroyer (Damar Martin): Huge thighs. Wow.
Spartan (Roderick Bradley): Ooooh, he looks all Ancient Greek. Talk about chiselled! You could cut glass on his cheekbones
Enigma (Jenny Pacey): I think the enigma is why? She looks really weedy
Inferno (Jemma Palmer): Wow! A real-life Lara Croft. Her breasts are huge and they don't move - not one wobble. They're more solid than the economy. She'll be an audience fave.
Predator (Du'aine Ladejo): He's wearing a bra top. With the muscles and posing - it's beyond camp. Who styled him? Jean-Paul Gaultier?
Tempest (Lucy Boggis): Pretty. Pretty vacant too.
Panther (Kara Nwidobie): Now you're talking! Toned, athletic, strong and strutting her stuff to Missy Elliot's Get UR Freak On. She's wicked. Love her already.
Atlas (Sam Bond): Tall, huge, very muscled, pretty with ridiculously long, curly-girly hair. The overall effect is more camp than The Village People; teen girls (and some gay men) will love him. He's the new Hunter.
Battleaxe (Shirley Webb): Solid-looking woman.
Ice (Caroline Pearce): Toned, blonde, striking looks; men'll love her. But she doesn't look all that strong
Oblivion (Nick Aldis): He doesn't look strong enough to take on a puppy.
Tornado (David McIntosh): It's hard to look mean in lycra. Like the tattoos though.

Richard Woolfe, the director of programming for Sky One, Two and Three, says: "The games are bigger, the contenders are stronger and the Gladiators are even more unbelievable...It's a colossus of a programme and it's going to blow people's socks off." I won't be able to watch the new series because I'm a Virgin Media subscriber and the two broadcasters are, as you all may know, in dispute. Bummer.

I'm out of here for two weeks. Patricia, I will answer your query about advert breaks on my return.

Today I am mostly lovin' - BBC4's Curse Of Comedy season was good. My favourite was definitely The Curse Of Steptoe. Unfortunately, Rather You Than Me proved an ineffectual dramatisation about Frankie Howerd with a weak David Walliams in the lead role. He was acted off the screen by Rafe Spall (son of Brit great Timothy). Still, the season overall was a great watch.

Today I am mostly hatin' - I can't be the only person Tyra Banks annoys the heck out of on American's Next Top Model?

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...except UKTV Gold. If you want a perfect example of a broadcaster disrespecting their viewers - just check out what UKTV Gold has done to Dallas fans. Reflecting on this as I prepared my tribute to the soap's 30th anniversary made me a very unhappy bunny. The channel aired the iconic series from the first episode, giving it a daytime push and a red-eye slot for repeats and catch-ups. There were highly frustrating, unexpected pauses in the UKTV Gold run for the likes of The Bill and Doctor Who but, in the main, Dallas continued on its merry way. And then came season five.

J.R. wooed Sue Ellen and put the boot into Cliff Barnes, driving him to a suicide attempt. Cliff's in a coma and he's been there since the last episode aired on Friday October 12 2007. So where's Dallas? The broadcaster hasn't bothered to inform the loyal fans who tuned in daily when, or

if, subsequent season(s) will be shown. Understandably, viewers have been venting about the lack of communication on UKTV Gold's Dallas message board. Pleas and requests for information have fallen on deaf ears and some users complaining about the absence of the soap report that their posts have been deleted: from Mikeblag: "all 3 of my posts have been removed, none of which were insulting or rude." From DALLAS FANtastic: "why have my posts been deleted? They were not rude. Very J.R. like." And you thought free speech was alive and well? Not the freedom to criticise UKTV Gold it seems.

Some of you may be wondering what all the fuss is about. For my money, until Pam's dream, Dallas was the best-scripted, most highly-addictive slice of family dysfunction ever. Its gift to the world was J.R. Ewing, a phenomenal pantomime villain with stronger lines than Keef Richards: "Once you give up integrity the rest is a piece of cake" and "What's a family for if it can't take care of its losers?" are just two of many gems.

In the early years, all the characters were soooo right: tough patriarch Jock Ewing; firm but fair earthy Miss Ellie (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!); amoral, devious, bed-hopping J.R.(WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY!); handsome, goody-goody Bobby (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!); lip-quivering, sexually frustrated, southern-belle Swellin' (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!), plastic porcelain Pammy; sly vixen Lucy; perennial loser Cliff (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!)...memories!

UKTV Gold allowed older fans to revisit Dallas, but it also introduced the fussin', fightin', feudin' Ewings and Barneses to a new generation of fans. And now they're all left high and dry. Shame on you UKTV Gold. It's not much, but I'll take any Dallas fix I can get - check out this brief taster of a fantastic show that still holds up after 30 years.

Today I am mostly lovin' - The fact that I am now the proud owner of series 1-7 of Minder on DVD. Uncut. Take that, UK censors!

Today I am mostly hatin' - OK. Why does that bloomin' annoying woman have to go all the way to London to buy Heat magazine?

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Regular readers of this blog will know that the first entry of the new month is about looking back. I've perused all the feedback and mail sent in during March. Here's what you've been saying...

Bernie wrote in with regard to my blog entry about Channel 4's Stephen Hawking: Master Of The Universe to say:
"I agree with you. In the grand scheme of things, it is petty fighting over religion and all the other mundane things we find so important in our daily lives. Stephen Hawking is an amazing man." Thank you for your view Bernie. I was extremely humbled to be in the great man's presence...

alyssa felt that my gallery of Trash TV shows was missing a programme or two:
"Just a quick one. Looked at your Trash TV pics at the bottom of your feature and you have missed the chaviest of the lot: JORDAN AND PETER."
Yeah, I know. I ummed and aahed and couldn't decide whether to include them or not (I must admit, their show is such a guilty pleasure of mine). At some point, I'll add them in...On the same subject, I've upset a fan of Gladiators:

"The inclusion of Gladiators is WRONG WRONG WRONG! How dare you include this magnificent and beautiful programme on a trash list; it was always a childhood favourite, and I am delighted there is to be a new series. Get your facts right before you start knocking good TV, and stop wasting your life watching TV and career. You are not Harry Hill!"
Of course I'm not Harry Hill; he's a bloke for a start...As for Gladiators, I stand by every word I said in that feature: "It was entertaining at first, but in its final years, it was like sitting through a sub-standard pantomime." That's why Gladiators made it into the gallery...

It's another request from a user whose tolerance level is at an all-time low:
"Hi it's me again. You couldn't do anything about Miss Fiona Phillips and I don't suppose you can do anything about Miss Mylene Klass? I'm just letting off steam because every bloody time I turn on the telly, there she is. Thanks for letting me bend your ear; talk to you soon."
Ubiquitous TV personalities seems to go in cycles; at one time, I couldn't turn on my TV without Fearne bloomin' Cotton's perky face bouncing off my screen. I can't do anything about Mylene Klass, but Fiona Phillips is listed in my article about TV's Most Annoying.

Joe wrote in to say:
"LOVED your article on The Apprentice...you're not able to tell me who goes out are you? I would love to know beforehand...although I guess you're not allowed to tell me! Anyway thanks for your time reading this :)"
Nice words Joe mate - cheers. In future, if you'd like me to e-mail you back, change your settings.  We've got a massive Apprentice special this year so do make sure you check it out.

Final word goes to young Michaela:
"Hiya...I just wanted to let you know that I think you are AMAZING!! All of the pieces that you write are so truthful and
your frankness makes me laugh. I will aspire to be like you one day. Thanks for your time."
Thank you for your kind words Michaela; I calls 'em as I sees 'em. Heed the words of Stratford-upon-Avon's famous Bard and you won't go far wrong: "This above all: to thine own self be true."

Thanks for all your comments and messages guys. Keep them coming in. That's it for this month as far as the mailbag is concerned.

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