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5月28日
Ladies and gents, lightning has struck twice. Kevin Shaw, the Apprentice's only merchant banker in the village, escaped my clutches as detailed here. I'm still cursing my rotten luck; I'd been desperate to get my hands on him (figuratively speaking, of course). Unfortunately, and this is unprecedented as far as my experience of The Apprentice goes, it's happened again.
Michael 'Teflon' Sophocles is not doing any interviews. Rumour has it that he's sold his story, exclusively, to one of the tabloids. And what a great way of avoiding awkward, sticky questions too...or is it? Y'see, I thought I'd have a little fun imagining how Teflon might've responded had I been able to interview him.
Fake Apprentice Interview
Me: Kosher. Any nearer to knowing what it means now?
Teflon: Yes. According to Del Boy, it's unlaundered money.
Me: No. That's not it.
Teflon: I'm such a dum-dum! It's not Del Boy. It's Arthur Daley.
Me: Outside of classic 80s TV shows; are you any nearer to knowing what Kosher means?
Teflon: Isn't it a line in that Diddy song Come To Me?
Me: Nah. That's 'come closer' not 'come Kosher'.
Teflon: Is it the where the phrase 'under the cosh' comes from? So it means that you're even more under the thumb?
Me: In a word, no.
Teflon: Oh. Is it a popular name? A Christian name, perhaps?
Me: Good one Teflon! The irony...
Teflon: What? I don't get it.
Me: On the whole, you were pretty useless really. You can't inspire, you can't lead, you can't sell, you can't manage....Can you do anything at all? Can you breathe unaided, for example?
Teflon: Next to selling, breathing's what I was born to do. I am a fantastic breather. There is no one better at breathing than me. I inhale just the right amount of air needed to fill my lungs and I'm very, very, very considerate with regard to the amount of carbon dioxide I exhale and the people that don't are just dum-dums.
Me: Teflon - we're gonna miss your stupidity...
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See our Apprentice special for more on this show.
Our Big Brother 9 special has now launched. It's got loads of fun features including Big Brother Mingers (spoilt for choice) and Big Brother Babes (ditto).
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Today I am mostly lovin' - Watching clips of classic Sesame Street (none of this Elmo rubbish!). I am now convinced that I will never, ever grow out of my childhood.
Today I am mostly hatin' - The weather's too obvious, isn't it? What da heck. It's our national obsession...
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5月22日
A little while ago, I made my selection of TV's Most Annoying and invited MSN users to do the same on the Talk TV message board. Unsurprisingly, the name Fiona Phillips crops up again and again and again. For a variety of reasons, the GMTV presenter grates (although, to be fair, she has her fans too).
In addition to just about everything she does on GMTV, it's the non-stop wittering about Chelsea FC from the former Southampton supporter that sets my teeth on edge. Where was she when they were Jurassic-sized dinosaur poo? And no, famouseccles, my Spurs-supporting mate, this isn't a bitter Gooner talking (much). The switch to Chelsea was due to the fact that her sons support them. Fair enough (or is it?). However, like many a convert before her - she's gone overboard. Thus, the decision to fly her out to Moscow to cover the Champions League final for GMTV seemed a very strange one indeed. Whatever happened to neutral reporting?
Andrew Castle may be an Arsenal fan, but he at least has some connection to sport, having played tennis professionally and commented on numerous tournaments. If anyone should've gone, surely it should've been him? Unsurprisingly, Ms Phillips didn't exactly cover herself in glory - her performances at the press conferences were cringe-inducing and her questions were inane in the extreme. Over the past few weeks, I've bit my tongue and kept my bile in check; all I wanted was the footballing gods to answer my silent and ever-so-fervent prayers. And oh! How they've been answered: Drogba off! Terry misses! Cashley a loser! Terry cries like a girl at a McFly concert! Me? I was laughing my head off. Funniest thing I've seen in ages. And thinking of the GMTV presenter watching it all unfold made it funnier.
A win for Chelsea would surely have made Fiona Phillips the smuggest woman on Earth and that would be a sight my delicate stomach should be spared. I was dreading catching her on GMTV if Chelski had done it. Instead, in the words of Sir Alan Sugar: "Ya lost!"
Our Big Brother 9 special has now launched. It's got loads of fun features including Big Brother Mingers (spoilt for choice) and Big Brother Babes (ditto).
Today I am mostly lovin' - Schadenfreude!
Today I am mostly hatin' - No more Raef...shame.
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5月17日
A couple of nights ago, I watched a very old VHS tape (Cheers, Just Good Friends, Channel 4's Starsky and Hutch Night etc). Up popped some great old adverts that had me squealing in excitement. One in particular is genius: it was a McDonald's advert (yes, McDonald's!) for their Indian menu: the Lamb McSpicy (£1.39!), the McChicken Korma Naan, vegetable samosa and pineapple sundae. It cleverly spoofed those old 70s cinema ads for the local curry house. Complete with scratchy audio, bad acting and a 1960s-sounding BBC-accented narrator, it ended: "For curry in a hurry, poppadom to McDonald's restaurant". Laugh? I nearly wet myself.
Unfortunately, I have not been able to track down a version of this advert on the net and it'll be a cold day in hell before I get around to uploading it. However, I did find some press about it. Here's what Campaign's Karen Yates reported back in 1999:
"Leo Burnett has resurrected the style of 70s low-budget cinema advertising for the launch of the McDonald's Indian range. Three films, which parody the classic local curry house ad, deliberately use outmoded film techniques to create a dated effect. Each execution begins with a cliched shot of Indian people or beauty spots, such as the Taj Mahal, and goes on to show people in 70s clothing enjoying food at McDonald's. The script, meanwhile, features some awful puns ('kormalong to our friendly restaurant').
The director, Steve Reeves, enhanced the self-conscious and stilted atmosphere of the ads by casting catalogue models rather than actors. He gave deliberately bad directions to the cast and rolled the cameras before calling 'action' to enhance the effect. The editor, Adam Spivey, then hand-spliced the film, sometimes using Sellotape, while the dialogue was manipulated by Wave to recreate the typical mono style of degraded sound. Music for the soundtrack was lifted straight from a 60s public information film, and the ads also feature dated typography and end-frames that appear to have been added on at the last minute."
It's no fun hearing about this advert and not being able to see it, so as a compromise, I instead present Pearl & Dean's 'pa-pa, pa-pa' theme tune and a selection of 1970s cinema ads. Brilliant.
Today I am mostly lovin' - The fact that Bravo has chosen to re-run classic hit The A-Team. I pity da fool who ain't seen it!
Today I am mostly hatin' - OK, whose daft idea is it to recreate teen smash Beverly Hills 90210 for the noughties? When will these TV execs learn that sometimes, you've got to draw a line under a show and move on.
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5月12日
Last summer's Big Brother gave us a chance to assess sister show Big Brother's Big Mouth without the indefatigable Russell Brand. In short, it was a mess. Some days it was worth watching (Ian Wright was good), but in the main, it was symptomatic of the mess Big Brother (UK) itself is in; directionless, unfocused, sloppy.
The loss of Dermot O'Leary, the face of companion show Big Brother's Little Brother, has compounded the problems. How to replace him? Well for a start, it takes two. George Lamb and Zezi Ifore have been confirmed as the new presenters of Big Brother's Little Brother. The pair - said to be hugely excited about their new challenge - worked together on E4 Music and breakfast entertainment show Freshly Squeezed. For anyone unfamiliar with them, here you go...
 George Lamb has interviewed some of the biggest names in music and film, including 50 Cent, Gwen Stefani, Kiefer Sutherland, Ian Brown, and Lindsay Lohan, to name but a few. Not bad for someone who has only been presenting for a year or so. He's the son of actor Larry Lamb who's been in The Bill and Gavin and Stacey.
 South East London 'It' girl Zezi Ifore seems to have tried it all before becoming an E4 Music presenter; past jobs included DJing and editing a fashion magazine. She's also one half of DJ duo 'Zapotecsoundsystem' with E4's Nick Grimshaw.
It's definitely a new era for Big Brother; George and Zezi have enormous shoes to fill. If you believe the constant rumours that Big Brother 9 is Davina McCall's swansong, change is something fans will have to grow accustomed to. Time will tell whether that will turn out to be a good or a bad thing.
Today I am mostly lovin' - The fact that I have finally worked out how to connect additional external equipment to my TV using a scart splitter (it should be a GCSE qualification!). Also, Birmingham's relegation (it's called karma for Eduardo). I'm only sorry Bolton didn't go down too.
Today I am mostly hatin' - The change to the Come Dine With Me theme music.
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5月1日
On the day I assert that The Apprentice is becoming a victim of its own success (see TV Shows That Lost It), the best episode of this fourth series so far airs. D'oh! So much for my timing. I still stand by what I wrote though.
 It has to be said, every single second of Wednesday night's card task was glorious. From the moment SurrrAlan chose Kevin Shaw as project manager, I knew we were in for TV gold. And so it proved. The only merchant banker in the village turned in a performance of such astounding incompetence, he should seriously consider working for HM Revenue and Customs delivering child benefit computer discs.
I watched Kevin closely on The Apprentice: You're Fired! He didn't enjoy having his short-comings exposed so mercilessly (and hilariously!) for the nation's amusement. After puffing himself up with a vastly inflated degree of his own self-importance, he was brought back to Earth with a resounding bump. I rubbed my hands in glee at the thought of interrogating...sorry, interviewing him.
I prepared for my Thursday tête-à-tête with the fired candidate as usual. But after a bit of a delay, I received a call from the PR rep informing me that Kevin had a "personal problem" and regrettably, interviews for the day were now cancelled and there would be no re-scheduling. My one chance had gone. Naturally, I tried to ascertain the exact nature of this "personal problem" but no further explanation was available.
My own theory as to why Kevin Shaw was a no-show? Well...of course it's entirely possible that he really did have a "personal problem" so I scanned the papers and internet for bad news: bereavement, house falling down, period pain even! Anything. No mention of Kevin other than a story about some girlie reportedly trying to kiss him (be still my stomach).
So what am I left to conclude? Let's try this one on for size: after enduring interview after interview in which he was probably (and rightly) slated, ridiculed and belittled, it's possible that he went all Naomi/Mariah/diva on everyone, decided he'd had enough of having his monumental failings rubbed in his cherubic-like face and pulled out of further interviews. Good old Kevin Shaw-t; top entertainment to the bitter end.
Our Apprentice special featuring a fun blog, fab features, galleries, profiles, interviews and more
Today I am mostly lovin' - The running, naked Visa man. Drooooooooool! Nice bum too...
Today I am mostly hatin' - Football. That's all I'm gonna say.
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Regular readers of this blog will know that the first entry of the new month is about looking back. I've perused all the feedback and mail sent in during April. Here's what you've been saying...
 I have received a great deal of e-mails in response to my article about The TV Shows That Lost It. Most vehemently oppose my selection of the likes of The Apprentice and ER however, it's the Friends fans who are really up in arms. The e-mail I received from MSN user Andrew is fairly typical of the outrage: "I mean come on - Friends - you will find looking at the television viewing figures for this shot up towards the end of the series! Madness! Re-write this article please! P.S You should have gone to Specsavers."
Good grief, you guys are sooooooo in denial! I loved Friends in the early days but there is no doubt in my mind that its best years were at least five years behind it by the time the final episode aired in 2004. It was much fresher and funnier pre Ross/Emily saga (yawn). In short, I stand by every single word I wrote.
Kirsty sent in an e-mail saying: "Just saw your article Pop Stars Made On TV - boy did it give me a huge chuckle re-living some of those who were good - and those who were incredibly BAD!" Kirsty continues: "Also read your Blog about Easter TV! I REALLY miss UK TV (having lived here for 4 years now), especially around the holidays (Easter, Xmas etc). TV here in Oz is absolutely awful. I enjoy your articles/features - will keep logging on to read!
Regards and many thanks."
Kirsty, pleased to hear we're making your time in Oz easier. I've given you tons of memories of UK TV, haven't I? If you'd like me to answer some of the questions in your original e-mail, please change your settings so that I can respond.
MSN user Deezy wrote in to say: "I have just noticed your blog for the first time today. I read through some of your articles and enjoyed them. I also think you look like a really interesting person so, I wanted to ask you if you have ever watched or written on South Park?"
I LOVE South Park but I haven't had the opportunity to write specifically around the show yet - something else always seems to come up. I will do something in time so stick around!
Dohdohbird and Paul sent e-mails in response to my Dallas blog entry about UKTV Gold's disgraceful treatment of the soap's fans. Paul said: "How right you are about UKTV annoying the hell out of many of us Dallas fans..."
Indeed. It's a shame Dallas fans have been treated so shabbily by the broadcaster, but the earlier years are still being aired.
Thanks for all your comments and messages guys. Keep them coming in. That's it for this month as far as the mailbag is concerned.
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