Is anyone watching Channel 4's latest US import Brothers And Sisters? One look at its ratings, which have fallen to around the million mark, would indicate that we're not. I sat through the first episode, although I needed ten gallons of coffee in order to do so. What a self-reverential yawner of a drama. It has good solid writing and an impressive cast (barring Calista Flockhart who I can't stand), but for some reason it simply isn't catching on.

 

This isn't the show that gets our office buzzing with animated chatter and I do wonder how long Channel 4 will persevere with it. There is a silver lining though and that's Rob Lowe. Ever since his astounding rebirth via mighty performances on The West Wing, he's proved that there's more to him than just a (very) pretty face. If he can do for Brothers And Sisters what Robert Downey Jr did for Ally McBeal, all is not lost.

 

Who am I kidding though? When it comes to family dramas, there's still only one show doing it for me: get a load of UKTV Gold's daily Dallas repeats. Ignore the atrocious 80s fashion (at Lucy's wedding, Sue Ellen's shoulder-padded dress was wider than the wingspan of an aeroplane) and just savour the cast (Larry Hagman - give that man a medal), the performances and the script (yes, it really was good in the first few years). Brothers And Sisters has got a long way to go before it can rival an ounce of the intensity in JR and 'Swellin's marriage...

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - Heroes. Quality television.

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - The Mitchell Sisters. Puhleeez.

 

This weekend, part of my TV viewing revolved around Channel 4's Gay Season. In 1967, the Homosexual Reform Act was passed, decriminalising homosexual acts in private between two adult men aged 21 and over in England and Wales. To mark the 40th anniversary, dramas and documentaries revolving around gay issues are being screened.

 

A Very British Sex Scandal kicked off the season, and what a moving viewing experience this turned out to be. In January 1954, Peter Wildeblood, the newly-appointed diplomatic correspondent of the Daily Mail, was arrested for homosexual offences. His crime? Having consensual sex with an adult male. Back then, it was against the law. Alongside him in the dock were Lord Montagu of Beaulieu, a 28-year-old aristocratic socialite, and Michael Pitt-Rivers. All three ended up serving time in prison. Set against the backdrop of the famous Wolfenden Committee (their resulting Report paved the way for decriminalisation), this high society court case scandalised and electrified the nation, but it also changed the course of British history. 

 

Using a combination of period dramatisation and real-life testimony from gay men who lived through that era, the film graphically conveyed the reality and consequences of being gay at a time when it was illegal and, in addition, believed to be a contagious disease or a perversion that could be cured with electric shock treatment or a lobotomy. Wildeblood's story was sympathetically recounted, but it was the little everyday details from the contributors that struck home more powerfully: anonymous sex (no names given) to avoid blackmail and reduce the risk of getting caught; burning mementoes and love letters so that they wouldn't be found by family or the police; getting snared by 'agents provocateurs', undercover officers acting as gay men; the joy (still so apparent after all these years) one couple felt at an aspect of the Act's passing; they could finally throw out their single beds and buy a double one together. Very poignant.

 

Conversely, Clapham Junction was a mixed experience. A much-hyped drama from writer Kevin Elyot, it's the centrepiece of Channel 4's Gay Season.  A one-off contemporary drama of interweaving stories involving several gay men, it depicted the closet, discrimination, prejudice and violence. We all know that there are still gay men struggling with their identity, gay men who get assaulted, gay men who constantly have to deal with homophobia, but where were the positive gay stories? Even one would've been welcome. And considering that this was called 'Clapham Junction' and not 'Isle Of Skye' - where were all the ethnic minorities?

 

Despite impressive performances from a sterling cast (including former EastEnder Paul Nicholls and Maurice stars James Wilby and Rupert Graves), the writing was clichéd and weak in places. Some of the characters sorely lacked depth, consequently, not all the elements worked. It made for disjointed, frustrating viewing. What's more, it put me in mind me of a 1970s 'BBC Play For Today' rather than a dynamic Channel 4 noughties offering. Above the stereotypical 'gays as sexual predators' and 'gays as hedonistic druggies', two strands stood out: the queer basher played by Paul Nicholls (was he a self-loathing gay man?) and the 14-year-old boy who seduced his 29-year-old neighbour (was he a convicted paedophile?). Both of these elements were graphic, disturbing and thought-provoking. Shame about the rest of it.

 

Finally, something that made my mouth drop so far on the floor, my tongue could've vacuumed the carpet. Jean Genet's 1950 film Un Chant d'Amour is only 26 minutes long. While Hollywood was making Father Of The Bride with Elizabeth Taylor and Spencer Tracy, Genet told an erotic story about a voyeuristic, sadistic prison guard who spies on his sexually frustrated inmates, even when they masturbate. Amongst them, two men unable to consummate their love who express it via other means: sharing cigarette smoke via a straw poked through a hole, knocking on the wall to each other etc. Unbelievably beautiful imagery. 

 

Talking of which, we're so used to the camera lingering on women's breasts and hips that Un Chant d'Amour's celebration of the male body and male sexuality is an eye-opener: stroked and fondled semi erect penises, ripped torsos, bulging biceps all filmed in stunning close-ups and soft lighting. A silent film made in black and white, it was so far ahead of its time that it still has the power to astound today. Poetic, lyrical and unforgettable.

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - Corrie legend Vera Duckworth. I'll cherish every appearance until she goes. 

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - The fact that I didn't win the lottery.

 

Channel hopping can be an eye-popping experience these days as you're never quite sure what you'll find out there in TV land. A couple of days ago, I zapped and landed on Flavor Flav, the clock-wearing showman of controversial rap group Public Enemy. Currently on MTV UK in a dating reality series, he's the wealthy bachelor looking for love. Now admittedly, I didn't see the original pool of 20 females, but the final three bursting out of their dresses looked like a bevy of yer typical rap video hootchie hos. The names the women go by include: Bootz, Buckeey, Buckwild, Krazy, Like Dat, Saaphyri and Toastee. Considering that their prize is Flavor Flav, this is obviously a match made in heaven.

 

During the commercial break, a promo ran for Totally Jodie Marsh. The tabloid favourite is scouring the nation for a hubby. As sick and tired of the single life as we are of her, the Tango-tastic Essex girl hopes to find her very own Prince Charming. There's something so right about Jodie Marsh resorting to a tacky reality show, with contestants pooled from the general public no less, in order to find love. If there's one house I'd beg and plead to sit down and watch this in, it's the home of the Andres. Oh to see Jordan's (no doubt smug) face as she watches her desperate rival.

 

Not so long ago, I stopped the remote on Living 2's US import Maury. Now that Jenny Jones is no more (remember her?), veteran broadcaster Maury Povich has taken her crown for fronting the tackiest, trashiest talk show on TV. "What about Jerry Springer?" I hear some of you cry. That programme doesn't count because it descended into self-parody yonks ago. And Jerry knows it too. It's all about Maury now. "So what about Jeremy Kyle/Trisha?" Puhleez. I'm not even going there.

 

Back to Maury and there's absolutely nothing I can say that South Park hasn't said for me. If you've seen the episode Freak Strike, you'll know that South Park served Maury on a platter; it was satire with a capital S. Cartman dressed as a girl and pretended to be an out of control kid in order to get a gift from Maury. "Whatever! I do what I want!" he frequently yelled at the audience. However, he was bested by a four-month-old baby girl named Chantal who took her clothes off in front of everybody. Genius stuff.

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - The BBC for buying Heroes. No more annoying adverts!

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - Black actors who can't do Jamaican accents - you know who you are (anyone watch The Bill and EastEnders yesterday?). They make my ears bleed.

 

Remember the Richard and Judy 'You Say We Pay' fiasco (viewers were still asked to ring in despite a winner already being chosen)? Do you recall Panorama exposing the way some GMTV competitions were run (potential winners were short-listed before phone lines closed, meaning some callers never had the chance of getting through)?

 

Let's not forget our beloved Blue Peter - Blue bloody Peter, of all shows! - faking a competition result, earning the BBC a huge fine. Who remembers the shock when it was first revealed that Five's Brainteaser show had also faked winners? How about the phone-in controversy prompted by ITV play? The competitions came under fire for being almost impossible to solve. One asked viewers to name items found in a woman's handbag and the answers included a balaclava and rawlplugs. Oh yeah, forget lipstick and perfume 'cos yer average WAG wouldn't be seen dead without her balaclava and rawlplugs. Definitely two things I never leave the house without.  

 

These phone-in scandals, and so many more besides, prompted media regulator Ofcom to launch an enquiry. They concluded that there has been a "systemic failure" in the way TV channels have run premium rate phone services. Well, duh.

 

Ofcom also accused broadcasters of being "in denial" about their responsibilities to viewers. Probably because they were blinded by the revenue the phone-ins brought in. The Ofcom inquiry, which was led by Richard Ayre, concluded that broadcasters must be made directly responsible for using premium rate phonelines despite services often being handled by outside companies.

 

Despite my smugness at the fact that I am not a victim (I have never phoned, and will never phone, a premium rate quiz show/competition. I do not vote people off Big Brother or into the next round of The X Factor either), millions of people put their trust, and their money, into the channels concerned. If these premium line phone-in entrants want to waste their time and their money, that's their choice. But at the very least, they should not have to deal with duplicity.

 

One of the great ironies of all of this is GMTV's exposure by Panorama. Despite peppering the show with numerous premium rate competitions, they still love positioning themselves as the champion of the consumer. I really wish people wouldn't enter rip-off TV competitions and I pray for the day annoying quiz shows, which are a piss-poor excuse for entertainment, are dropped. I never thought I'd miss the phrase: "Answers on a postcard please" as much as I now do...

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - Brian. For his hilarious Diary Room chat with a 'depressed' Big Brother

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - Daytime TV. No wonder so many people are on Prozac.

 

Matt Lucas and David Walliams are to make a US version of Little Britain for HBO. The channel is home to The Sopranos, Sex And The City, Six Feet Under and Entourage; it has also showcased British hits Extras and Da Ali G Show. Thanks to BBC America, the original series of Little Britain has been a cult hit in the US where it has enjoyed a healthy gay following in particular.

 

Little Britain US (not the name it will go by) will feature a mix of brand new characters and Little Britain favourites such as "yeah but no but" chav teenager Vicky Pollard and "only gay in the village" Daffyd. David Walliams said: "The new series will be a sketch show set in contemporary America. We are taking some existing characters and writing new material for them, as well as introducing new characters and ideas."

 

News of a US version is a bit of a surprise considering the visual nature of some of the humour and sketches. Off the top of my head there's: rubbish transvestite Edward 'Emily' Howard, the Prime Minister's smitten aide Sebastian Love, unhelpful Carol "computer says no" Beer, Maggie the vomiting racist and homophobe,  kind carer Lou and manipulative wheelchair-bound Andy, grand-MILF youngster Jason (sexually obsessed with his mate Gary's grandmother)...are these characterisations really so alien to the country that gave us Jerry Springer and his infamous episode 'I Married A Horse'?

 

Still, I hope we Brits get a chance to see the new show. I'd like to know what Matt Lucas and David Walliams come up with for our cousins across the pond. Let me know if you think a US version of Little Britain will work.

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - Catch-ups. I missed FX's hot new drama Dexter on Sunday night. However, I have at least 3 more chances to catch the second episode this week. Bliss.  

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - Saturday night on terrestrial TV. It's enough to make you lose your will to live.

 

In addition to terrestrial channels, I regularly watch the following: The Biography Channel; E4 (Big Brother, Scrubs, Friends); More4 (The West Wing, Hill Street Blues, ER, Curb Your Enthusiasm, Father Ted, River Cottage, F Word, Come Dine With Me); ITV2 (Judge Judy, Katie & Peter); Living (CSI, Wonder Woman, I Dream Of Jeannie, The Golden Girls); Paramount Comedy (Sex & The City, Cheers, Frasier, South Park, Short Cuts); The Hallmark Channel (House); MTV (South Park); BBC3 (Family Guy); Sci Fi (Heroes, Star Trek, The Twilight Zone, V); Sky Movies; Film4; TCM; UKTV Gold (Dallas); FX (Dexter, Family Guy); E! Entertainment; UKTV Drama (Butterflies, Steptoe And Son, Just Good Friends); UKTV G2 (Classic Top Of The Pops); Five US (Happy Days, House, CSI, Dirt); ITV4 (The Professionals, Planet Of The Apes, Randall And Hopkirk (Deceased); Men & Motors (Miami Vice) and finally, ITV3 (Columbo, Tales Of The Unexpected).

 

The more discerning may have noticed that Sky One is missing from my list. I am a Virgin Media subscriber and because of a row with Sky over the price of their basic channels, a row that has seen both media giants display all the maturity of a two-day old baby, we Virgin Media subscribers are without said channels. But that's for another blog entry...

 

Anyway, with a few exceptions, the channels above share one extremely annoying trait: BLOODY LOUD ADVERTS!! Every day I set my video (yes, I am still stuck in the 90s) to record Dallas on UKTV Gold, and the difference in sound between the programme and the commercial breaks has to be heard to be believed. It's loud enough to wake the dead. Not the recently deceased, I'm talking Plato and Aristotle here. And why is it that no matter how quickly I reach for the remote control, I'm never in time to mute the promo for UKTV Gold's much-hyped new sitcom 'The New Adventures of Old Christine'?

 

Why must we be subjected to this? WHY? There are laws to prevent neighbours from being a nuisance, but advertisers and TV channels get away with abusing our ears every 15 mins. The Television Advertising Standards Code contains this rule: "Advertisements must not be excessively noisy or strident. Studio transmission power must not be increased from normal levels during advertising breaks." The accompanying note to the Rule advises that: "A fairly constant average level of sound energy should be maintained in transitions from programmes to advertising breaks and vice versa so that listeners do not need to adjust the volume." HAH! They might as well have printed it in Swahili for all the notice anyone takes of it (yes, I mean you Paramount Comedy Channel and UKTV).

 

I can complain to Ofcom of course, but isn't this a question of common sense? I fail to see how annoyingly loud adverts can possibly benefit the advertiser or channel concerned. Invariably, viewers are driven to mute the commercial break or turn to the BBC for 5 mins. Either way, the message in the advert will not be heard. A rather fitting irony...

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - An old video tape that I didn't even know I had. It's got an episode of Grange Hill spin off Tucker's Luck on it.

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - TV quiz phone-in shows. What a rip-off. Don't call in! Hopefully they'll all die horrible deaths eventually.

 

MSN Editor Coops

 

The next time Davina McCall squeaks excitedly about a must-see Big Brother twist, take that as your cue to go and do something more interesting instead: like collecting paperclips or bookbinding. The sad truth is that, like last year, the people working on one of the UK's biggest reality shows, couldn't organise an orgy in a brothel containing 100 nubile Marilyn Monroe look-alikes.

 

A case in point, one element of Big Brother 8's much-trumpeted Fake Week is over: false housemate Pauline (Pooooohline), played by actress Thaila Zucchi, has left the house. She was exposed. Rumbled. Found out. And by a set of housemates who, with a couple of exceptions, have the intelligence of a goldfish. How embarrassing is that? I'd love to be at her next audition: "Thaila, what was your last part?" "I played a fake Australian housemate in Big Brother 8's Fake Week. I had to convince the housemates that I was genuine." "How long did you last?" "Two days."

 

Even if you allow for the possibility that, as the shopping task, Big Brother didn't intend for Pooooohline to go the distance, this is still a huge let-down after all the hype that preceded it. Remember that feeling of high anticipation after Laura's eviction show? She was just starting to stir things up in there too: adding the green-eyed monster to the wearisome toxic 'showmance' between Chanelle and Ziggy (Chiggy); flirting with both Durham's favourite plank Liam and endearingly-blank Essex boy Brian, messing with the single brain cell rattling around in each of their heads; allowing us to use our Dulux paint colour cards to chart the shades of Charley's increasingly brown nose (it had been rooted up Pooooohline's bum since her arrival). For the record, her hooter matched Dulux's Bitter Chocolate 2.

 

If nothing else, at least Big Brother has been consistently useless. It's not as if they didn't warn us with the very first pointless twist (one lone male in an oestrogen-filled house) - it's just that we didn't believe the stupidity would be so brilliantly sustained. Another damp squib of a twist that also spectacularly backfired was the 'surprise' cash giveaway. Nominated housemates Jonathan, Carole and Seany had one minute to pick someone to win £100,000 and they all chose Durham's favourite plank Liam. The twist? Housemates believe his money has replaced the prize given to the series winner. The hoped-for reaction? Conflict, confrontation and confusion. The reality? Lead balloon. Like Davina's BBC chat show, a resounding flop.

 

One senses that Fake Week is just about a last throw of the dice for this series. Although not the turgid bore that Big Brother 7 was (Snoozy Susie anyone?), the show is still a million miles away from its glory year of 2004 which saw Nadia Almada emerge as the winner of Big Brother 5, the year Big Brother turned 'Evil'. Truth is, Big Brother 8 has become background noise; the telly's on while the dishes are being washed or the internet is being surfed. For this reason, the second part of Fake Week, the fake eviction, must be a success. Charley and Nicky are nominated and the 'loser' will go straight back into the house after being interviewed by Davina McCall. If nothing else, at least Fake Week kept Charley in, and as a result, viewers watching what would otherwise be a very Big Yawner. A lot hinges on Friday for the people behind Big Brother; if it's a disaster, all Fake Week would've done is made Big Charley's of them all.

Got a view on Big Brother 8's twists? Are you still watching avidly watching the show, or have you given up? Share your views here and check out our fab Big Brother coverage.
 
Today I am mostly lovin' - Big Brother 8's Brian. Soooo nice but dim. "Happy Birthday Brian!" "Happy Birthday Big Brother!" Genius.
 
Today I am mostly hatin' - Chiggy's 'showmance'. Slamming my tongue in a door would be less painful.

 

MSN Editor Coops

 

 

A bit of an own goal for Manchester United and England defender Rio Ferdinand as his ITV show All-Star Wind-Ups has been axed. For viewers that displayed extraordinarily good judgement and avoided it like the plague, it was as near to a pitiful rip-off of MTV's Punk'd as it's possible to get. Only, they had bigger stars, better pranks and an aesthetically pleasing host in Ashton Kutcher. 

   

We were first introduced to the All-Star Wind-Ups concept during last year's World Cup. The prank? Rio trying to convince Wayne Rooney that his dog was dead, although it wasn't really. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. There's more imagination to 'Knock Down Ginger'. 

 

The show got off to a poor start after Jayne Middlemiss was trapped in a lift - she required medical attention because she suffers from claustrophobia. It was downhill from there. In addition to stunts going wrong, there's the little matter of the presenter. The ITV bod who gave this rubbish the green-light can't have seen a post-match Rio interview. If so, it would've been apparent that the man can barely form a sentence, let alone communicate one. And he has about as much charisma as a tin of sago pudding. It was doomed from the start. Still, one less minging programme clogging up the TV schedules is fine by me. However, it got me thinking about other TV shows footballers would be useless at hosting: David Beckham - Mastermind; Wayne Rooney - How To Look Good Naked and Ashley Cole - Deal Or No Deal. Any other suggestions? Send them in...

 

Today I am mostly lovin' - UKTV Gold's Dallas re-runs. JR Ewing has just been shot. "'Citin'!" as Russell Brand would say.

 

Today I am mostly hatin' - That bloomin' freshener advert with the precocious kid on the toilet crying: "It's all gawn! It's all gawn!" Fer Pete's sake, bugger off!

 

MSN Editor Coops