By Stuart Bak, guest blogger and MSN TV columnist

Once again, the cream of the British television industry (and host Graham Norton) are gathering for the annual telly Baftas at London's Royal Festival Hall. Taking a well-earned break from blitzing zombies in Resident Evil 5, I, Stuart Bak, will be your guide to all of this evening's winners, losers, and wardrobe malfunctions. Will BBC Four drama Hancock and Joan do the hat-trick? Can June Brown scoop best actress gong for the brilliant kitchen sink drama of her Enders one-hander? And will The Apprentice right the ludicrous wrong of being beaten by Top Gear in 2008's National Television Awards? Join me here live at 8pm to find out...

8.00
And we're off... Hang on... Harry Enfield has been nominated for a Bafta? Is this the Bafta Television Awards 2009, or the Bafta Television Awards 1986?

8.04
Graham Norton cracks a few jokes. A single tumbleweed bounces past June Brown's feet. He's nothing if not reliable. Reliably unfunny, that is.

8.08
2008's best bits. What, no 'Lily Allen and Friends'?

8.10
Philip Glenister: presumably not nominated for his role in ITV's Demons, here to present the award for best drama series. The smart money's on Wallander.

8.12
And the winner is... Wallander. Well-deserved, I reckon - the best and bleakest Scandinavian cop drama starring Kenneth Branagh that I've ever seen. Probably.

8.16
Adrian Chiles: quite literally never off the telly. And the Bafta for best factual series goes to Amazon with Bruce Parry. Real-life action man Ross Kemp was robbed. I wish someone would stick Phil Mitchell in a war zone with nothing but a flak jacket and tin helmet for protection.

8.22
TV Burp gets the biggest laugh of the night so far, but is pipped to the best entertainment programme gong by the ever-worsening X Factor, a show now comprised entirely of sob stories, with about 12 seconds of 'music' thrown in for good measure. I can't even remember who won it last year. Answers on a postcard please.

8.25
A TV genre so far from my heart it may as well not exist: sport. Even Gary Lineker looks bored. And the winner is... ITV's F1 Brazilian Grand Prix coverage. Yawn.

8.29
I've just noticed Graham Norton's jacket. Insane.

8.32
Best continuing drama (i.e. soap). What, no Coronation Street? Is there some sort of conspiracy going on here?

8.33
Best continuing drama: The Bill. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Have the telly Baftas finally jumped the shark? Leave your comments below...

8.35
News coverage award now. I don't watch the news anymore. Far too depressing. Blah blah, we're all going to be trading with magic beans this time next year, blah blah blah.

8.37
It goes to News At Ten for their coverage of the Chinese earthquake. World's most tedious man makes world's most tedious speech.

8.40
"The nation's favourite music presenter?" Jools Holland? Speak for yourself, Norton. Jools is presenting best entertainment performance.

8.43
The nation's second favourite TV commentator, Harry Hill, scoops the award for best entertainment performance. And his speech gets the second biggest laugh of the night. By rights he should be presenting this whole show.

8.47
A surprise win for White Girl in the best single drama category. My money was on Hancock and Joan. Another tenner down the drain then. I though he said he was going to keep his speech short.

8.50
The state of British comedy today. Genuinely appalling. Oh for pity's sake: Harry Enfield and Paul Whitehouse have actually won. Next they'll be telling us they're giving the Academy Fellowship to Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders...

8.55
Jon Snow gets through his introduction to the specialist factual series showreel without fluffing a single line. Or wearing a silly tie. Will wonders never cease? A token win for David Attenborough's Life In Cold Blood. Proof, if proof were needed, that we'll never tire of watching footage of turtles having sex.

9.06
The post-9pm slump, and the catchily named 'features' category is won by The Choir: Boys Don't Sing. The award is collected by a chap who looks like he wants to be David Tennant when he grows up.

9.09
Potty humour from 'rising comedian' Michael McIntyre ("Hands up if you want to pee"). Not funny, not funny at all.

9.12
Best situation comedy: The IT Crowd. Somebody's having a laugh. But not, presumably, anyone who's ever actually watched it.

9.14
Last year's best actor winner, Andrew Garfield, to present the drama serial award. Expect to see him back next year to pick up a gong for Channel 4's Red Riding trilogy: officially the best thing on telly so far in 2009. FACT. And the Bafta goes to BBC1's Criminal Justice which was, admittedly, pretty good, though less fun than Charlie Brooker's Big Brother zombie-fest Dead Set.

9.19
That jacket gets more ludicrous the longer I look at it.

9.23
A very long advert for BBC drama. Clever.

9.30
The Bafta for best single documentary goes to The Chosen. To my eternal shame, I didn't see any of the four nominated programmes. Probably too busy watching Big Brother. I'm so low-brow I make Peter Andre look like Harold Pinter.

9.35
The Philips Audience Award now, the only award voted for entirely by the Great British Public. Go on, vote Wallander and do yourselves proud.

9.36
Nope, the winner is terrible teen sex-fest Skins. Presumably the only people voting were 12-year-olds who think Hollyoaks is a quality drama or grown men who've memorised the Pete Townsend defence...

9.40
The award for best comedy performance goes to the ubiquitous David Mitchell for Peep Show. He might at least have cracked a joke or two during his speech.

9.42
Jimmy Nesbitt takes the stage to present the Bafta for best actress. And completely misses the irony, presumably. This one surely goes to the wonderful Maxine Peake for Hancock and Joan...

9.43
Wrong again, it's Anna Maxwell Martin for Poppy Shakespeare. The bookies must be rubbing their hands together with glee right about now.

9.48
And the Bafta for best actor goes to... Stephen Dillane for Channel 4's The Shooting of Thomas Hurndall. Ken Stott looks suitably unimpressed. So, that's it: not a single Bafta for BBC Four's Hancock and Joan. An absolute travesty, in my humble opinion.

9.51
Final award of the night (phew) is the highest of all Bafta accolades: the Fellowship award. It goes to "the greatest female comedy double act in the history of British television": Dawn French and Jennifer Saunders. Doesn't say much for British female comedy double acts, does it?

9.53
French and Saunders. "Trailblazers"? Really, Dame Helen? "A legacy of brilliant work." What, even The Vicar of Dibley?

9.59
A standing ovation for French and Saunders (oh well, each to their own). Montage of awards the BBC couldn't be bothered to show includes Mad Men winning best international show over The Wire. I give up. All that remains is for me to thanks my editors, producers, readers, parents, and next-door-neighbour's dog. Thank you, thank you, and thank you again. Did you agree with the Bafta  judges' decisions? Or, like me, do you think Hancock and Joan was robbed. Leave your comments below. Until next year...

By Stuart Bak, guest blogger and MSN TV columnist

Winners In Full:

Best actor - Stephen Dillane - The Shooting of Thomas Hurndall (Channel 4)
Best actress - Anna Maxwell Martin - Poppy Shakespeare (Channel 4)
Best entertainment performance - Harry Hill - Harry Hill's TV Burp (ITV1)
Best comedy performance - David Mitchell - Peep Show (Channel 4)
Best single drama - White Girl (BBC Two)
Best drama serial - Criminal Justice (BBC One)
Best drama series - Wallander (BBC One)
Best continuing drama - The Bill (ITV1)
Best factual series - Amazon with Bruce Parry (BBC Two)
Best entertainment programme - The X Factor (ITV1)
Best situation comedy - The IT Crowd (Channel 4)
Best comedy programme - Harry and Paul (BBC One)
Best single documentary - Chosen (Channel 4)
Best feature - The Choir: Boys Don't Sing (BBC Two)
Best international show - Mad Men (BBC Four)
Best specialist factual - Life in Cold Blood (BBC One)
Best current affairs - Saving Africa's Witch Children - Dispatches (Channel 4)
Best news coverage - News at Ten - Chinese Earthquake (ITV1)
Best sport - ITV1 F1: Brazilian Grand Prix (ITV1)
Best interactivity - Embarrassing Bodies Online (Channel 4)
Audience award - Skins
Special Award - Jane Tranter
Bafta Fellowship - French and Saunders

Guest Blogger JJ Benson here reporting back on what was probably the coolest night of my year so far! Andy (my friend and camera man for the evening) and I got to meet and chat with the cast of Red Dwarf, one of our favourite TV shows. We were in a central London location for the brilliant press launch of the new three-part series. It will air on Dave this Easter; fans will be treated to the first batch of new episodes in 10 years. Red Dwarf: Back To Earth reunites human Dave Lister (Craig Charles), hologram Arnold Rimmer (Chris Barrie), feline evolved Cat (Danny John-Jules) and sanitation mechanoid Kryten (Robert Llewellyn).



If you don't know your holoships from your Talkie Toasters, here's a refresher of the series: it was about the hapless crew of the mining spaceship Red Dwarf. Set three million years in the future, it focussed on their attempts to return to Earth. It's impossible to sum up years of craziness in a couple of sentences, but if you can catch any of the old episodes, you just might see why people were, and remain, obsessed with this show. In the Dave episodes, the remaining crew finally discover a way to return to Earth. However in true Dwarf fashion things don't exactly go to plan.

The new episodes are written and directed by co-creator Doug Naylor. The show first aired on BBC2 back in February 1988, but took a three-year hiatus between series six and seven. Now let's cut to the chase: is Red Dwarf: Return To Earth any good? Answer: Yes! I enjoyed it and felt that it worked within the world of Red Dwarf, though it is remarkably different. As Doug Naylor told us, they were pushing up the levels of quality in this one with better sets, camera technology and CGI. And it did look a lot better than those wobbly sets from the early days (although that kind of added to its charm).

The series really is more of a film and deserves to be seen in one sitting. Luckily, we got to view it in one unadulterated showing, but for those watching it on TV, it will be broken up into pieces and that may spoil the experience.

This was pretty much a big celebration and the night lived up to the hype with loads of press and stars mingling together. Everyone associated with this programme are just fantastic. They made time to talk to us (we even had a chat with Doug Naylor's wife!) and - a real highlight for me - we ate duck rolls with Terry Pratchett. What a legend!

OK, I have to go to bed now as I have just got in from the after-party. The Red Dwarf team are right up there for the award of nicest people in the world - the only downside was that Craig Charles, who plays Dave Lister, was not there. He was busy filming Coronation Street but he did record a message for us all. We filmed the event for MSN so check back here for our video and you can get a flavour of a really memorable night.

Guest Bloggers JJ & Andy

Red Dwarf: Back To Earth airs on Dave - Friday April 10 at 9pm, Saturday April 11 at 9pm, Sunday April 12 at 9pm

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Tomorrow night, President Barack Obama will make his first live sit-down appearance, since becoming elected President, on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. The show will air on CNBC at 11pm. For those of you that haven't ventured past ITV2 on your EPG, you will find CNBC on the following platforms: Sky (channel 505), Virgin (613) and Tiscali TV (510).

Among other topics, President Obama will be sitting down to talk about his economic plan. This marks the first time a sitting US President has appeared on a late night talk show so it's a pretty big deal in America. As for the UK? Well, if it were any other man in the White House, I'd probably find something more interesting to watch - a blank screen, for example.

However, this is President Obama and although it's likely to be an extremely US-focused agenda, there's still so much goodwill for the man outside of America that I'll happily watch him yawn or belch. The show will be repeated on Saturday March 21 and Sunday March 22 at 8pm. Will Jay Leno ask his opinion of the controversial ending to The Sopranos? Somehow, I don't think so.....

• By the way, The Disney Channel are looking for kids to take part in a brand new game show. Fancy seeing your loved one on TV? Full details, terms and conditions are here on their website.

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Foxy Bingo is supporting Red Nose Day 2009. Well after sponsoring The Jeremy Kyle Show, in the words of Yazz and the Plastic Population, the only way is up (old skool reference: it was a No 1 hit way back in 1988). They will match every penny spent on their games with a donation to the Comic Relief Fund. Good for you Foxy Bingo! I applaud any company that gets involved in fundraising but I must say, I find this combination as bizarre as the infamous Foxy adverts themselves: Comic Relief and...Foxy Bingo. 

'Do something funny for money'; that's the charity's slogan this year so I'm inclined to view the Foxy Bingo collaboration as the most literal interpretation of that statement we're ever likely to see - it's almost too postmodern for words. You just know that somewhere, even Nietzsche is laughing his socks off. Comic Relief and Sainsbury's. Comic Relief and the BBC. Comic Relief and Oxfam. Comic Relief and...Foxy Bingo. On the face of it, they make strange bedfellows. OK, it's not Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie Presley but it's up there. Or at least, it is to me.

But, as I keep stressing, it's all good. It's for charity. Back in 2007, glamour model Jordan (as she was then) was the face of the Foxy Bingo campaign until her pay demands exceeded their budget. The irony is, after they changed the Man-Fox from a snooty, rather aristocratic type (a kind of fox-like Lawrence Lleweyln‐Bowen, if you will) to something that wouldn't be out of place in Peter Kay's Phoenix Nights, they became even bigger without her. These days, only the more fanatical are likely to recall Katie Price's involvement with Foxy Bingo. Not many companies can boast of humongous success after dropping a blonde with grossly-inflated silicone-enhanced boobs, but Foxy Bingo can. The laughs just keep coming with them, don't they? Want a reminder of Foxy the Man-Fox as he was? Here ye go:

Looking back, it's easy to see why the creative was changed. The message was garbled and unclear (why the hell would an Old Etonian-type care about bingo?) so the campaign went downmarket socially and struck gold; goodbye ABC1s, hello C2DEs, chavs, Jeremy Kyle-viewing chavs and Jeremy Kyle-guesting chavs - in that order. Out went the posh Man-Fox and in came the northern disco-dancing version, complete with the voice of Adam Catterall (a local radio station dj from the north west's Rock Fm). I have to admit to a repulsive fascination with the Foxy Bingo Man-Fox - mainly because it's such a naff concept. And yet, soooooooooo right. I think my hate-hate relationship started with the 2008 Pied Piper advertising campaign. You know the god-awful one that bastardised Sister Sledge's We Are Family?   

Clearly inspired by John Travolta's Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever, Pied Piper campaign's Man-Fox became a microcosm of how the film would've looked if it were transferred from New York City to Burnley town centre with Tony Manero renamed Lee Alcock or Dave Fisher instead. He's got a hairy chest a la Travolta and a variation of the suit; but criminally, he's missing the medallion as you can see from this - omigod it pains me to admit it - genuinely funny Comic Relief sketch with Strictly Come Dancing's Kristina Rihanoff (comprehensive coverage of Strictly here in MSN's blog). First John Sergeant and now the Man-Fox. It wouldn't surpise me if she danced with Rik Waller next...

     

And the Comic Relief efforts continue as you can see with the new advert...

         

So Lipps Inc classic Funky Town gets the "'By 'eck, 'ey up!" treatment this time (as long as they stay away from Cheryl Lynn's Got To Be Real or Shalamar's Take That To The Bank, I can still function as a human being) but what's up with the CGI? Get rid of it Foxy Bingo! You've killed the essence of the disco-dancing, he-thinks-he's-Lancashire's-answer-to-The Fonz, eeh-bah-gum Man-Fox. I'm almost beginning to miss the freak. And I *never* thought I'd say that.

Red Nose Day 2009 is this Friday - more information, including how to donate, here

Today I am mostly lovin' - I have finally received my press invite to the launch and first episode screening of The Apprentice. I can't wait! Yeah, there's more than a whiff of Big Brother about Sir Alan Sugar's monster hit these days, but it remains my favourite reality TV show.

Today I am mostly hatin' - During a GMTV commercial break, an advert for diarrhoea was followed by that ghastly advert with the child that wants to do a poo at Paul's house. What a load of cr*p.

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a pub. The landlord turns around and says: "What is this, some kind of joke?" Boom-boom! An Englishman, an Irishman and a Rabbi walk into a pub. The Rabbi suddenly stops and says: "I think I'm in the wrong joke." Boom-boom! 'Ere, 'eard the one about the disabled CBeebies presenter who's currently the victim of a vicious, nasty, abhorrent, vile and cruel campaign engineered by idiots who, having been blessed with working reproductive organs, are able to call themselves 'parents'? This is no joke. There is no 'boom-boom' to follow. These people say that Cerrie Burnell, born with one hand, is not suitable to appear on the digital children's channel because she is 'scaring' their offspring.

When I was young, I vaguely recall seeing Ironside and Sandy from Crossroads in their wheelchairs and I didn't really bat an eyelid. However, as thalidomide was often in the news, my mum said that I asked questions about the children who were affected by the drug. "You did say: 'why does that boy look like that'?" she recalled as we discussed this Cerrie Burnell issue. "I said, 'when he was inside his mum's tummy, she took some bad medicine and the medicine did something bad to his arms and legs'." I asked her if I accepted the explanation. She replied: "As a child, all you did was ask questions - it drove me mad. But afterwards, you'd forget all about it and you'd want to watch cartoons!" I asked my mum if I was scared. "No," she responded. "You were always curious."

I think you're all familiar with that advert for Cancer Research in which a little girl lists what she's not scared of. She mentions things children are traditionally frightened of: the dark, spiders, clowns etc. Well, I hate clowns and, to this day, I am still freaked out by the public information films that used to air during daytime TV in my formative years. Daytime TV y'know! Cerrie Burnell's got nothing on the likes of these:

      

With that in mind, allow me to give you an example of the views about Cerrie Burnell currently polluting message boards near you (please note that I will make no attempt to correct grammar or spelling errors as that would bestow a level of intelligence so clearly lacking):

• "What ever next! Will I be paying my licence fee to watch someone without any legs! Or will they be scaring my kids with someone with absolutely no limbs whatsoever! That'll give them nice DREAMS won't it! Give me my money back BBC and Pull your socks right up!!"
  Lionel Candsworth, London, UK,   
• "Is it just me, or does anyone else think the new woman presenter on CBeebies may scare the kids because of her disability? I didn't want to let my children watch the filler bits on The Bedtime Hour last night because I know it would have played on my eldest daughter's mind and possibly caused sleep problems. And yes, this is a serious post."
  Barry 
• "What is scary is the BBC's determination to show "minorities" on CBeebies at every available opportunity! Before everyone lyches me - take a second aside and actually think about it - I have no problem with it if it happens "organically" in the general making of a TV programme. But every programme seems to have a PC agenda - it has to tick this box and that box"
• I absolutely believe she is entitled to be doing this job, however, I just don't feel it is necessary to have it "on show". Why can't she have her sleeve tucked under or something - that way it povokes awareness of her disability without the "scarey" image. At the moment it seems like the BBC are simply "flaunting" her disability, totally unnecessary and does make you question the reason for her getting the job in the first place.
  Concerned mum, Berkshire

Just a few illustrations of how moronic human beings can be. In my eyes, it's a stoooooopidity and crassness that has reached such a low, even Jeremy Kyle would refuse to have them on his show. A BBC spokesman said they'd received nine formal complaints about Ms Burnell; fortunately, faith in common sense is somewhat validated by the huge number of people who have backed her.

The mother of a four-month-old daughter who works as a teaching assistant at a special needs school in London, Cerrie Burnell admitted to being upset by the comments. She branded her critics 'small minded' and their remarks 'terrible'. "Children come up to me in the street every day and say 'What's that'?" she said. "I wouldn't say they're frightened but certainly they're inquisitive. I would always take the time to explain to a child. All they want is an explanation. They want to know 'What's that?' and 'What's happened?' and 'Why are you different?' And then they will move on."

Got that 'concerned mum in Berkshire' et al? Children are naturally curious - it's how they learn. If your child is old enough to ask the question, they just might be old enough to hear the answer. "Mummy, why does that lady have one hand?" "Some people are born with two hands - like you and me. Some people are born with one hand, like the lady on the telly. Some people have black hair, like you. Some people have red hair. Some people have straight hair, like Aunty Carol. Some have curly hair, like daddy. Everybody's different." Just what is so bloomin' difficult about that? Have all you detractors completely lost your parenting skills in addition to your minds?

The ironic thing for all you objectors is that, in all probability, your child may be educated alongside children with a disability of some sort. How will you handle that situation then? Will you insist that the school throw them out so that your precious one doesn't have to see an infant who isn't exactly like them? Why stop there? Why not throw away the blind, the deaf, amputees from meningitis, kids with cleft lips and/or palates et al? Heck, why not go all out and keep your sprogs from anyone with bad teeth or bunions? I, for one, sincerely congratulate all you narrow-minded, ignorant, scaremongering bigots. You are the dictionary definition of namby-pamby, cry-baby, fraidy-cat, lily-livered, wussy, yellow-belly, wimpy, milksops who are unable to deal with aspects of society. With regard to Ms Burnell, you give your children far too little credit; they will probably turn out to be more grown-up about her disability than you are.

• If you disagree with me, please feel free to take me to task and explain your stance. Due to the fact that I like to think posters here have more imagination, I am issuing a challenge: see if you can express yourself without using the stock, pat and clichéd, 'get a life!' - it annoys the mucus out of me. Come on peeps, do me proud!

Today I am mostly lovin' - Robert De Niro in sense-of-humour shock at The Oscars. The man who, usually, can barely crack a smile, actually cracked a brilliantly funny joke about Sean Penn: "How did he do it? How, for so many years, did he get all those jobs playing straight men?" Cue laughter from everyone. Wow! Robert De Niro's funny! And it didn't stop there. Sean Penn memorably opened his Best Actor acceptance speech with the following: "You commie, homo-loving, sons of guns!" And well done to Slumdog Millionaire and Kate Winslet, of course.

Today I am mostly hatin' - Sky1's red-carpet Oscars coverage. I watched five minutes of Fearne 'rent-a-bubbly-bland' Cotton and my stomach rebelled; I had to turn over to E! The Americans, headed by Ryan Seacrest, are just as bland, ask da stoooooooopiest questions ("Are you excited to be here?") and their obsequiousness is such, that even Oprah - 'I just love you! Don't we all just love him/her, audience?' - Winfrey would balk, but they're infinitely less annoying and more entertaining.

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Another week, another channel re-brand. Say goodbye to UKTV People and hello to Blighty. Great excuse to throw a party! And nobody, but nobody, does channel launches quite like UKTV. The venue was Proud Camden, which used to be stables, located along Chalk Farm Road (a short walk from Camden) in north London. It's completely bizarre to be indoors, but on cobbles (I almost felt sorry for the women wearing heels). The old stalls were used cleverly to reinforce the Blightly theme and showcase other re-brands; we took afternoon tea in one room, passed on the opportunity to get our tea leaves read in another, walked through the room promoting new UKTV propositions Yesterday (guess what that channel used to be called) and Eden and passed on the cheese room (after all the gorgeous hors d'oeuvres I'd scoffed, I couldn't take the smell).


We were entertained by A Handbag Of Harmonies, a female choir from Chester who put their own unique spin on some Beatles classics before extending their repertoire to Britney Spears. David Abraham, the UKTV CEO followed and in a self-congratulatory speech, bullishly summarised the probable reasoning behind all the re-brands: "There are no prizes for obscurity," he said. Comedian Danny Wallace followed and had us all in stitches with a genius monologue extolling the virtues of the British: "We are Stephen Fry...but we are also Kerry Katona," he said. "We are Pat Butcher. We are Wun Tun. We are 20 B&H..." Unfortunately, I missed some of the other 'we ares...' as I was too busy laughing. The last bit of entertainment comprised some beautiful traditional Indian dancing and...fish and chips.

So - what's it all about Alfie? Well, according to the press book: "Blighty revels in what makes the country brilliant". There will be BBC acquisitions (Who Do You Think You Are, Coast etc), but I'll briefly outline three original commissions. First off, My Brilliant Britain. 'The full English breakfast. Being beside the seaside. The good old B&B. Britain has more than its fair share of quirky charms, so Blighty has gathered a host of unconventional British celebrities, including Danny Wallace, Goldie and Alan Cumming, to consider the eccentricities that make Britain, well British. Where else, for example, could you find a museum dedicated to lawnmowers?'

Secondly, The People's Pub (working title). 'The British boozer is an institution...independent public houses are closing at a rate of five every day. We are in danger of losing part of our national heritage and letting the lifeblood of our communities drain away. In this exclusive series, five communities are being given the chance to fight back, to bring back their very own British boozer.'

Finally, Made In Britain. 'If you were to throw out everything in your home that wasn't made in Britain, what would be left? Dom Joly is to restock his home and his wardrobe with British-made goods, and he'll have to travel all over the British isles to find them. Get ready for one remarkable road trip.' 

So there you have it. I note the current debate posters have raised - does the word 'Blighty' denote England only (irrespective of the dictionary meaning)? A couple of non-English posters appear to think it does. Time will tell whether Blighty the digital channel turns out to be, as its strapline cries, 'one nation under a channel'.
Watch the trailer for Blighty here

All this talk of Blighty neatly leads me from UKTV to UK TV. We may not have the enormous resources of American TV, but when we get it right, few can live with us. Yeah, OK, we're the nation of The Jeremy Kyle Show and Trisha. We're also the nation of Celebrity Wrestling, Babes In The Wood, The Girlie Show, Alastair Burnet's Royal Interviews (oh, the horror!), The Gaby Roslin Show and Davina. But, in terms of televisual achievement, you won't get much better than the following ten programmes. Rule Britannia! Britannia rules the TV waves!

Cathy Come Home - Made for the BBC's The Wednesday Play in 1968, this is the shattering story of Cathy (Carol White) and Reg (Ray Brooks), a young couple with kids that get caught in a poverty trap and end up homeless. Directed by Ken Loach, its combination of drama and factual programme-making techniques reinforced the sombre message. It shocked the nation when it was originally transmitted and it still retains the power to profoundly affect anyone that views it today.

The Up Series - Granada's landmark documentary series was inspired by the Jesuit saying: "Give me the child until he is seven and I will show you the man." The original Seven Up was broadcast on ITV in 1964 as a one-off World in Action special, featuring children who were selected from different backgrounds. Every seven years, Michael Apted has returned to film them and although they've all got compelling stories to tell and share, the one person who has touched the hearts of millions is Neil Hughes. A carefree child of seven, he was homeless and struggling mentally when the show revisited him for 21 and 28 Up. He is now a Lib Dem councillor. 

Brideshead Revisited - Less a TV series, more a national event and treasure. Evelyn Waugh's novel was majestically transformed into this classic, lavish 1981 presentation. It boasted an utterly faithful adaptation, a dream cast, memorable performances, sumptuous locations and the stately Castle Howard, ancestral home of the Marchmains both here and in that vastly inferior movie that came out recently. The story of one man's association with an aristocratic family, it starred Jeremy Irons, Anthony Andrews (rightly lauded for his unforgettable performance as the tragic Lord Sebastian Flyte), Diana Quick, Sir John Gielgud, Claire Bloom and Laurence Olivier in an Emmy Award-winning performance.

The Naked Civil Servant - "When I was coming to America, I went to the American Embassy and the man asked me: 'Are you a practicing homosexual?' And I said I didn't practice. I was already perfect." Wonderful 1975 drama about the life of the late Quentin Crisp. Defiant about his homosexuality at a time when it was illegal, John Hurt's performance as the flamboyant and witty gay icon rightly brought him international acclaim. Look out for the sequel, which deals with the Englishman's life in New York, soon.

Boys From The Blackstuff - Alan Bleasdale's hugely acclaimed 1982 series depicts the abject misery and despair of long-term unemployment in Thatcher's Britain. Set in Liverpool, we're presented with profoundly moving human dramas of five working-class men struggling to survive on the dole. The story that everyone remembers is the most tragic one; that of Yosser Hughes (brilliantly played by Bernard Hughes) whose desperate "Gissa job" plea became a national catchphrase. The 'black' here doesn't just apply to 'the black stuff' (the tarmac the men used to lay), it also sums up what little humour is on display. I haven't seen it since the original airing but I'll never forget one example of this black humour. One of the building projects the men were illegally working on (they were all signing-on so it was a cash-in-hand job) turned out to be a dole office. Essential viewing.

Doctor Who - Whenever I catch the classic series, I can't believe my generation used to watch it from behind the sofa when we were kids. How funny is that? Anyway, the Doctor has come face to face with a number of exciting and evil monsters and aliens since 1963. Travelling through time and space, various actors have thrilled millions as the Time Lord over the years.

Life On Earth - This is the first natural history programme I ever saw in my life and, to this day, I remember how enthralled I was by it. A groundbreaking BBC series, it first aired in the UK in 1979. David Attenborough (we are not worthy!) travels the globe, tracing the story of the evolution of life on our planet.

Fawlty Towers - "Listen, don't mention the war! I mentioned it once, but I think I got away with it all right. [returns to the Germans] So! It's all forgotten now, and let's hear no more about it. So, that's two egg mayonnaise, a prawn Goebbels, a Hermann Goering, and four Colditz salads." It's been making the world laugh since 1975. Inspired by a hotel John Cleese once stayed in, incredibly, only twelve episodes were ever filmed. Twelve!

Upstairs Downstairs - Upstairs, the aristocratic but scandal-prone Bellamys; downstairs, their lively servants (including co-creator/producer Jean Marsh as Rose) managed by the unswervingly loyal butler Hudson (Gordon Jackson); together, TV magic. Beautifully written and acted, this Bafta and Emmy-award winner is one of our most successful shows, seen by over 1 billion people worldwide since its 1971 debut.

Blue Peter - Now in its 50th year, it's the world's longest running children's TV series. The show that sent sales of sticky-back plastic soaring (probably) is struggling to retain its audience. Will the BBC do a Top Of The Pops and let it die in an ignominious manner? We celebrate fifty years of Blue Peter here.

Today I am mostly lovin' - Come Dine With Me. It's sooooo addictive (although I prefer the old format). Essentially, it's all about finding the hostest with the mostest but my goodness, if this isn't the bitchiest show on TV, I'd like to know what is. Totally loving Dave Lambert's sarcastic commentary.

Today I am mostly hatin' - I watched ITV1's coverage of The BRITs and an evil part of me gloried in James Corden and Mathew Horne dying so horrifically on stage. James Corden may be a very nice man for all I know, but he increasingly comes across as a right self-satisfied, too eager to believe his own publicity, smug geezer. Nice to see him brought down to Earth with a bump (I still like Gavin and Stacey though).

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It looks like Carol Thatcher is counting the cost of referring to a tennis player as a 'golliwog' after being axed from the BBC's The One Show. The journalist daughter of former Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher made the remark during a conversation with presenter Adrian Chiles and several guests. After being challenged about the comment, she apologised and dismissed it as a "joke". Her position on the show is understood to have become untenable after she declined to issue an unconditional apology to those she had offended. A BBC spokesman said: "We will no longer be working with Carol Thatcher on The One Show."

Conscious of the fact that younger readers of this blog may be ignorant of the term (it's entirely a possibility), a teeny explanation (courtesy and © Dr David Pilgrim, Professor of Sociology, Ferris State University, Nov 2000): "Golliwogs are grotesque creatures, with very dark, often jet black skin, large white-rimmed eyes, red or white clown lips, and wild, frizzy hair... The golliwog image, popular in England and other European countries, is found on a variety of items, including postcards, jam jars [Robertson's used a golliwog called Golly as its mascot from 1910 until the late 20th century], perfume bottles, clocks, books [as featured in some Enid Blyton tales and Agatha Christie's Ten Little Niggers, which showed a golliwog lynched, hanging from a noose], greetings cards..." etc.

May I direct you to Wikipedia's page if further explanation is required? In short, and depending on your point of view, a golliwog is either deeply offensive on every level racially, or a loveable, cuddly childhood icon.

This brouhaha is rumbling on, as brouhahas tend to do: viewers are complaining to the BBC about their decision to drop Ms Thatcher from The One Show and her spokesperson is demanding an apology. Four things instantly crossed my mind when the story first broke. 

1. Why do we even know about all this? If the remark was made in the relative privacy of a BBC green room, that's where it should've stayed. I thought the Beeb had internal disciplinary processes.  

2. It immediately brought back my childhood memories of being called 'golliwog' at school (I'd almost forgotten that). My mum instructed me to turn the other cheek, but my attitude instead was always 'wot a bloody cheek!'. Needless to say, I'd then get into trouble for fighting.

3. Where's Big Ron these days? Ron Atkinson's ITV punditry came to an abrupt halt in 2004 after an off-air conversation with commentator Clive Tyldesley. Big Ron thought his mike was off and let rip at then Chelsea player Marcel Desailly in an utterly disgusting manner: "He is what is known in some schools as a f***ing lazy thick n***r!" The irony of this is, as manager of West Bromich Albion in the 1970s, Ron Atkinson championed black players. He signed the late great Laurie Cunningham, Brendan Batson and Cyrille Regis who became known as 'The Three Degrees' (they even posed with the lovely ladies of Prince Charles' favourite group as this picture shows).

4. I am 100% not surprised that jolly-hockey-sticks Carol, totally uninhibited, frank and tewwwwwibly upper middle-class, used an antiquated term to refer to a black man. She's not alone in displaying a bit of cultural insensitivity. Prince Phillip is the classic example (too many gaffes to list, but during a Royal visit to China in 1986 he told British students: "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed.") and his grandson Harry's clearly a chip off the old block as the Nazi costume faux pas and recent P*ki row show. 

For her part, Carol Thatcher told the Daily Mirror she was "completely baffled by all the fuss". In one respect, I can understand why she's befuddled. I watched an instalment of Five's topical morning show The Wright Stuff last year and, while discussing stories from the newspapers, she bemoaned the Jean Charles de Menezes inquest in a manner that exhibited brutal disregard for the feelings of his family. Matthew Wright had to jump in and point out why his loved-ones might have been feeling aggrieved. For all her Academia, she can be rather clueless when it comes to social niceties. Lest we forget, this is the woman that had a wee in the I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here! camp, in full view of the cameras, and let EastEnders' Sid Owen take the blame for it.

BBC arts correspondent David Sillito said the row was about "what is and what is not acceptable to say in a workplace" No it isn't. Not entirely, anyway. The way I see it, Thatcher-gate is about the BBC being in a post Jonathan Ross/Russell Brand/Sachs-gate/Manuel-gate/whatever-gate-you-want-to-call-it era. The powers-that-be have acted swiftly rather than risk being caught on the back foot again. Some may wonder if Auntie has acted a little too swiftly by axing Ms Thatcher as a roving reporter for The One Show. After all, if private conversations in the workplace are fair game, lord help us all.

Her spokesman told The Times that she made, and I quote, "a light aside about this tennis player and his similarity to the golliwog on the jam pot when she was growing up." Maybe so but whichever way you look at it, it isn't the most flattering of comparisons to make. There's just no nice way of saying that a black man looks like a golliwog.

* As this is an emotive subject, I will be deleting any messages that overstep the mark or stray too far from the topic. No swearing please; racial terms must be in context with the originating subject only. 

* Due to the fact that I like to think posters here have more imagination, I am issuing a challenge: see if you can express your frustration without using the stock, pat and clichéd, 'get a life!' - it annoys the mucus out of me. Come on peeps, do me proud!

Today I am mostly lovin' - ITV4 are currently using a trailer to promote their Cult Classics strand that parodies The Beastie Boys' Sabotage video, which in turn parodied 1970s American cop films/TV. The segments with The Sweeney and The Professionals work best (for obvious reasons). But I am absolutely LOVIN' it. Watch it here - it's genius.  

Today I am mostly hatin' - Here's my review of Five's new comedy/drama Minder starring Shane Richie. Says it all really.

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I have watched a great deal of TV over the years; I've viewed the good (Brideshead Revisited, The Sweeney, Boys From The Blackstuff, Cheers, the 'Up' documentaries - 7 Up, 14 Up, 21 Up etc); I have dissed the bad (Jeremy Kyle, Trisha, Celebrity Wrestling, Babes In The Wood etc); I have shuddered at the ugly (Alastair Burnet's Royal Interviews, The Girlie Show, The Black And White Minstrel Show, Minipops).

I have prided myself on my impenetrability. I haven't so much as blinked as bodies were cut to pieces in The Sopranos. I laugh at profane (but hilarious) language and scenarios in comedy routines from the likes of Bill Hicks, Richard Pryor and Chris Rock. I even absorbed the sight of Keith 'Cheggers' Chegwin's doughy starkers body on Channel 5's Naked Jungle without puking.

But ladies and gentlemen, I am finally defeated. To the extent that I am considering therapy: "Hello. My name is MSN Editor Coops and I am getting all Daily Mail over an item on TV..." This thing actually repulses me. It makes me physically recoil in horror. And what is it? What's proved to be my Kryptonite? It's an advert featuring a child wanting to go to the loo. Except this child doesn't say what my mother taught me at that age.

In my formative years, it was drilled into me that I wanted to go 'to the toilet please'. But not this sprog. In the advert for Glade Touch n Fresh, the kid wants to do, and I quote, "a poo". But he doesn't want to do said poo at his house because his stupid thicko of a mother didn't buy a Glade Touch n Fresh for their loo. So he wants to do his poo at his friend Paul's house because they've got that Glade thing. And to think that when I was a kid, I wanted to go to my mate's house because they had a VCR.

I honestly thought Glade ads couldn't get any worse than the "it's all gorrrrrrrrrn! It's all gorrrrrrrrrn!" commercials. But that's practically Shakespearean in tone compared to this latest one. Feel free to disagree with me, but the word 'poo' in an advert is just plain wrong. I don't care if it's uttered by a child or an adult - it's just not cricket! Especially when the commercial airs at mealtimes. In my opinion, there is a definite (and misplaced) case of: 'kids say the darndest things' [deliberate use of Americanism] going on here. That's the only logical explanation for "it's all gorrrrrrrrrn! It's all gorrrrrrrrrn!" and "I want to do a poo". If the law of diminishing returns is applied, the next advert will probably feature a kid saying: "Ewwwwwww, mum! My diarrhoea is all yellow and stinky and it's running down my leg and it's on the floor!"

Who-the-hell is creating these Glade ads anyway? Medieval torturers used The Rack, metal pincers to rip pieces of flesh from victims, The strappado to dislocate bones, the head crusher, the garrotte, flagellation, the wheel, flaying et al. Noughties torturers just make Glade adverts.
Watch the Glade Touch n Fresh 'poo' advert here

• Am I being ulta-sensitive about this 'poo' advert? Or do you agree? Add a comment below...
• Controversial TV Adverts - check out the adverts that offended the great British public

Today I am mostly lovin' - Season two of the fab The Big Bang Theory is on Channel 4 from Tuesday at 11.05pm. It revolves around geeky physicists who are also complete and utter social misfits. Watch out for Jim Parsons as the hilarious Sheldon in a show that's big on popular culture references and big on laughs. If you missed the E4 run, now's your chance to catch up.  

Today I am mostly hatin' - Caught ten minutes of American Idol. Why do these type of shows persist in putting people of questionable mental state in front of a judging panel so that they can be belittled for a TV audience's amusement? I'm not talking about the arrogant, deluded ones - they'll be OK thanks to their egos. However, I'm uncomfortable seeing hopefuls who are clearly mentally fragile. It is not clever. It is also not funny. It is downright cruel.

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The adage goes, 'he who laughs last, laughs longest'. Over the years, I have howled at Dick Van Dyke's excruciating attempt at a Cockney accent in Mary Poppins. No list of the worst movie accents ever is complete without it. "'Ello Me-ary Poppinz, 'ow arrr yow?" Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, it was not. After such an insult, it's a wonder Anglo-US relations weren't set back a hundred years.

Fast forward to today, and any Americans who've caught ITV1's new drama Demons must be bustin' a gut laughing at us thanks to Philip Glenister (Life on Mars, Ashes to Ashes). Demons, the fantastical series bearing more than a slight resemblance to Buffy The Vampire Slayer, is a contemporary spin on the legacy of Bram Stoker's Dracula set in modern-day London. Philip Glenister plays Rupert Galvin, a larger-than-life American. He tells his teenage godson Luke (Christian Cooke) that he is the last descendent of the Van Helsing line. In short, he must assume his destiny and destroy the 'half-lives' (demons, vampires, zombies) stalking the streets. I don't know about you, but I am still mopping up the blood after subjecting my delicate eardrums to Philip Glenister's inflection bastardisation. Have a listen here.

Firstly, the crucial acknowledgement: there is no such thing as an 'American' accent. In the same way that there is no such thing as an 'English' accent or an 'Irish' accent. We all know that there are regional variations within the geographical umbrella - Scouse, Brummie, Cornish etc. However, I haven't got a bloody clue which part of America Demons' Rupert Galvin is supposed to be from. Hugh Laurie's House? North-east of America I'd say. Dominic West who played Jimmy McNulty in The Wire? Born and raised in Sheffield, I'm told that his Baltimore accent is spot on. But Philip Glenister? Stick a pin on a map. That's as good a method of determination as any.

I can't speak for anyone else, but after the first episode, I resolved to watch no more. I just can't take that accent. Perhaps there are like-minded people out there as early figures suggest Demons lost almost a million viewers. It made an encouraging start last week with 5.75m watching, but the second episode averaged 4.83m. Not good.

On the subject of his character, Philip Glenister said: "I was quite nervous about the American accent at first. I came straight off the back of Ashes to Ashes, but thought from the off that Galvin would be a nice removal from playing Gene. I did have a voice coach. A very nice lady called Judith who was very expressive with her language. She was on set for the first week and after that I was OK. I've swapped 'Huntisms' for Americanisms." Or so he thinks.

Now I ask ya, would it really have been so bad if Rupert Galvin had been English rather than American? Wouldn't you prefer not to cringe as Philip Glenister attempts to sound like he's from the other side of the Atlantic? Can't you just see him going up to some zombie and saying: "You great, soft, sissy, girlie, nancy, bender, half-life! Get smited gobsh*te!"

Today I am mostly lovin' - I am absolutely cracking up laughing watching Celebrity Big Brother. There isn't anything major going on - no 'race row', no 'Prestelle' romance, no madness of Michael Barrymore - but it's ticking along nicely all the same.  

Today I am mostly hatin' - I tuned into the Golden Globe highlights on Sky1 at 8pm. I'd barely reached for my cup of coffee when the first set of adverts popped up at 8.05pm. I turned over in disgust. What's the reason for this, pray tell? It wasn't a live broadcast, where UK channels are often at the mercy of US commercial ad slots. If I want to watch TV in America, I'll fly there, thank you very much Sky1.

In addition, I think we have just reached a nadir as far as TV adverts are concerned. Tonight, during Corrie, I caught an advert with a child repeatedly saying that he wanted to do a poo and that he wanted to do this poo at his friend Paul's house because they've got some kind of air freshener thingie. If I hadn't heard and seen it for myself, I would never have believed it.   

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I was 13 years of age the very first time I tasted Orangina, courtesy of a school trip to Dieppe. Back then, for me and my mates, drinking a carbonated concoction of orange juice and pulp out of a bulb-shaped, pebbly-textured bottle was the height of sophistication. After all, we were bred on a diet of intensely fizzy, scarily orange-coloured Fanta, Tango and own-brand supermarket orangeade - the kind so lethal to teeth, a year's brushing wasn't enough to remove all the sodium benzoate. This is how I remember the drink being marketed back in the 1980s (select link to play).... 

How times have changed. Thanks to a controversial commercial conceived around the concept of 'pulpeuse' (which in French has a double meaning: 'containing pulp' and also 'sexy' or 'voluptuous'), the Orangina advert of 2008 makes Campaign's list of this year's Top 10 Worst Ads. Personally, I think it should've been higher - it's a shocker! What's more, there are glaring omissions...where's Davina's Garnier Nutrisse abomination? Where's Pierce Brosnan's L'Oreal cheese-fest telling me, "You're worth it"? Watch the Top 10, as detailed below. Do you agree with Campaign's list? Let me know...

10. DFS - A load of people lip-synching to Nickelback's song Rockstar (because we all live out our 'rock star' fantasies on the sofa, don't we)? It's bad enough to make me nostalgic for Courts. Funnily enough, the advert is now banned. According to The Advertising Standards Authority (ASA), the sofas looked too big "in relation to the actors". That's the posh way of saying that the sofas were inflated (geddit?).

9. Samsung - Four Chelsea players play around with a ball and look like mugs (don't they always? Sorry, that's the Gooner in me talking). For non-footy fans, the South Korean electronics giant is the team's sponsor, hence the presence of the players. The advert is for their LCD Series 6 HDTVs but the creative is woeful. It's so poor, you'll be left with the impression that Samsung is muscling into couture and flogging suits rather than TVs.

8. Premier Inn - Isn't there a cruel irony in Lenny Henry fronting budget hotels? "Hey, I've found something small time!" he shouts to his manager in the advert. I'm guessing it's his recent CV, but no - it's the bill...

7. Orangina - Forget clowns, spiders, dentists and, if you're reading this P Diddy, long second toes - this advert truly is the stuff of nightmares. A million times more terrifying than flying cockroaches, it's a veritable anthropomorphic orgy of inter-species erotica. Or at least, that was the line complainants took when they contacted Ofcom and The ASA. Aside from viewers, the objectors included children's charities and equal rights groups up in arms over its sexual (and sexist, they said) content. According to French agency FFL Paris, here's what you need to sell Orangina in 2008: animals with bigger breasts than yer average page three model; pole-dancing creatures shaking their bootys; bikini-clad peacocks; gyrating giraffes; an octopus squeezing her 'oranges'; a fig leaf-wearing bear and....I can't do it justice. Watch it for yourself.

6. Kellogg's Wake Up To Breakfast - Dame Kelly Holmes is a legendary Olympian, but she can't read an autocue for toffee. She is human after all. Did I say human? After seeing her excruciatingly robotic delivery in this ad, I'm now convinced she's a cyborg sent from the future to kill John Connor.

5. Country Life - It was The Sex Pistols' Johnny Rotten who once snarled, "Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?" and as his alter ego John Lydon flogs butter to us, hordes of aging punks just might find themselves nodding in agreement with the younger incarnation...No wonder The Who sang the line: 'hope I die before I get old' in the classic My Generation.
MSN Music's Tom Townsend defends John Lydon here

4. Warburtons (click here to watch) - Mr Hatano, a businessman from the Far East, arrives in Britain, only to find the Warburtons name everywhere. It's all very Being John Malkovich and/or The Twilight Zone, but it doesn't really convince and it's barely memorable. I forgot I'd seen this ad until Campaign reminded me...

3. Renault (click here to watch) - It's entitled 'Le Cheque' and it commits the cardinal sin of being hideously dubbed. Cheap as frites...

2. Specsavers - The great Edith Piaf, La Môme Piaf, (The Little Sparrow) and her iconic song Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien used to push glasses? Zut alors!

1. Gillette - Here it is. The worst advert of 2008 according to Campaign. Personally, I'd argue that the cheesier-than-a-Gorgonzola-factory creative has actually succeeded in giving both Roger Federer and Tiger Woods a personality. But maybe that's just me and my warped sense of humour. Conversely, remember how cool Thierry Henry (we are not worthy! We are not worthy! We are not worthy!) was in those fab Renault Clio Va Va Voom commercials (refresh your memory here and here)? Well, the Gillette ads have sucked out every ounce of his je ne sais quoi-hipness. Instead, he comes across as the sort of person who shopped in Mr Byrite when he was a yoot. Hey Bobby, what's the French for 'naff'?

Today I am mostly lovin' - I can't get enough of Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory. This E4 US import about a group of geeks is getting better and better. The snappy script is a paean to the geek-hood. Take this snippet for example: the deeply anally retentive but vengeful-when-crossed Sheldon was described as: "one lab accident away from being a super-villain" - sheer genius. Then there's Sheldon's reluctance to watch The Clone Wars TV series because he hadn't seen the film: "I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended," he said. Ha,ha,ha! And best of all, the 'rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock' method of settling disputes....except it doesn't, as everyone opts to be Spock! If you haven't seen this show yet, check it out.

Today I am mostly hatin' - Tabloid-fed hysteria over the various utterances of TV personalities. In some cases, it's understandable - but in others, it's ridiculous. 

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9.26: Time for the first award; it's the British Comedy Entertainment Personality Award and 30 Rock star Alec Baldwin (no less) is handing it over. He's picked up on Angus' diss and asks if Five is the "Siberia of UK TV channels." The audience roars with laughter and a very funny exchange follows about Five. After much merriment, the award goes to............Alan Carr! That's a surprise; I would've put money on Ant and Dec. They've been on top form this year: from Britain's Got Talent right through to I'm A Celebrity. A visibly shocked Alan Carr wastes his big moment; his speech is about as funny as a heart attack. He gushes ("I love everybody!), looks at his award and gushes again. He obviously didn't prepare a speech (and admits it). On the basis of that acceptance performance, he deserves to never, ever, ever win another award again. "Thank you very much. See you on Celebair," he ends. The lesson here is; fail to prepare, prepare to fail.

9.30: Best Female Performer has gone to Sharon Horgan. The most notable thing about this award was comedian Stephen K Amos. He attempted a joke about being the second black comedian there and the sound that followed was not laughter; it was the tumbleweed rolling across the stage. Stephen, we know you're black - we can see it. What's more, you say it every single time you're on TV. The bigger surprise is that you're gay. Make a joke about black gay men and I just might be able to stifle my yawn next time. Either change the record or nick something from Chris Rock. Now there's a man who can make gut-busting race observations.

21: 45: Anthony Head and Eva Mendes show up to present the next award. A strange pairing indeed. Angus tries to find out how much of an Anglophile Eva Mendes is and asks her what she knows about Brit comedies. She mentions growing up loving Benny Hill. He tells her to try someone who's alive. "He's dead!!!??" she replies, genuinely shocked. Cue a roar of laughter from the audience. They announce the award (why are two people needed to do this?) Best Comedy Entertainment Programme goes to..........Harry Hill's TV Burp. Yep, well-deserved. He has me on the floor with his pinpoint accurate TV observations. The entire production team, minus an absent Harry Hill, go up to collect the award. That's my cue to put the kettle on.

21:49: The award for Best Live Stand Up Performer goes to.....Russell Brand! Much enthusiastic cheering - one senses that the star-studded audience feel any endorsement of the Manuelgate/Sachsgate/whatever-gate you want to call it, duo is akin to striking a blow for freedom, democracy or revolution; like they're all Che Guevara or something. Russell can't be there (he's filming in LA, dahhhhhhhhhhling) so we go to VT and there's the incredibly unfunny Adam Sandler (stubbing your toe is funnier) standing next to the incredibly dandy-ish Russell Brand. He makes a nice speech and generously dedicates his award to his Manuelgate/Sachsgate/whatever-gate you want to call it, partner-in-crime Jonathan Ross. The only thing missing was him sticking two fingers up at the Daily Mail.

21:56: Ronnie Corbett is wheeled out for The Writers' Guild Ronnie Barker Award. Hooray for both Ronnies! What legends. The award goes to David Renwick, best known for sitcom One Foot in the Grave and the mystery series Jonathan Creek. His speech includes a touching tribute to recently deceased comedy writers and producers.

22:03: It's another American A-lister! What is this, the Emmys? Anyway Juliette Lewis, a former girlfriend of Brad Pitt no less, shows up to present the next award. "How are The Licks?" Angus asks, before explaining to anyone who's not-with-it that The Licks is the name of her rock band. An older looking Juliette (how did that happen? When did those lines appear on her neck?) goes into a long and not very interesting spiel about why the band's name may have to change. After what seems like a year, Juliette finally announces that the Best Television Comedy Drama goes to....Drop Dead Gorgeous. A bit of a surprise as Channel 4's Skins was the much-hyped likely winner.

22:10: The Outstanding Contribution To British Comedy is awarded posthumously. It's gone to Geoffrey Perkins who was a comedy producer, writer and performer and a central figure in British comedy broadcasting. Recently deceased (he died from injuries after an accident involving a lorry) his CV includes the likes of Spitting Image, The Fast Show, Benidorm, Father Ted and Friday Night Live. His children go up to receive the award. Bless.

22:18: That bloomin' gory advert warning people to wear a seat belt has just been on. Y'know the one I mean? The one with the graphic illustration of internal organs being damaged. I was eating pizza too. Yuck.

22:21: Lucy Davis (now living and working in LA) and Adrian Chiles are on hand to present the next award. Angus quips that The One Show is so-called because "it was the one show that nobody thought would work". Hahahaha! The award for Best Comedy Panel Show goes to......QI. Phil Jupitus goes up to collect the gong from the lovely Lucy. He opens with "Yeah, and they can stick it too!" To nobody's surprise, it doesn't get much of a response. But then he observes: "I got into comedy because I didn't want to be a fat, middle-aged bloke, stuck behind a desk doing the same thing every week...." Cue laughter from the audience and Phil wisely decides to quit while he's ahead.

22:25: Heston Blumenthal and Tamsin Outhwaite step up to present the next award. Angus clearly struggles to make the requisite pointless-introductory-chatter-at-the-podium and when he eventually finds a hook (Little Chef restaurants - the celeb chef is making them over), Heston takes too long trying to find something to say and there isn't time to shoot the breeze with Tamsin. Hilarious! Now that's what I call TV gold. She graciously moves on with the show and announces that the Best TV Comedy Actor Award goes to......Ricky Gervais for 2007's Extras Christmas Special. There's disappointment and resentment in the room and one heckler audibly shouts out "B*ll*cks!" as Ricky's VT is rolling. You couldn't make it up. Is it anger that Peep Show's David Mitchell didn't win? Who knows. The VT shows Ricky Gervais in his pyjamas: "I can't be bothered to be here, there in person," he says. "This is beneath me to be honest. I've won real awards, Golden Globes and Emmys." Laughter ensued when he revealed a string vest-wearing George Michael in bed with him, surrounded by all his awards. A bit of double entendre followed (Gervais' hand is under the covers and he pulls out something hard - it's a DVD of his shows). The VT ends but the audience is a tad slow to clap and cheer. "Ricky Gervais, a popular winner," says Angus Deayton. 

22: 36: Robert Powell steps up to announce the winner of the British Comedy Lifetime Achievement Award (why do I still only think of him as Jesus of Nazareth?). The recipient is Jasper Carrott. Daughter Lucy has tears in her eyes - I'm wondering if it's tears of embarrassment cos her dad's dying up there courtesy of his strangely humourless acceptance speech. At the end, he says comedy is a young person's game. Yeah? Try telling that to Larry Sandler.

22: 40: Frank Skinner and someone from the sponsor of the event go up to the podium for the last award of the night. Frank Skinner quips: "Your suspension's dragging on a bit, innit?" Cue huge cheers and laughter. Yes BBC, get him back and give him a show. He may be a Man Utd supporter, but even I've forgiven him for that. Frank Skinner announces that the Best TV Comedy is......Gavin and Stacey. Funniest thing is the audible heckler who cries out: "F**k off!" Ladies and gents, I don't think I could've put it better. Just for good measure, he shouts it again. The ITV1 awards ends in a rush because we have to turn over to ITV2 for the last three gongs (which are featured in a programme also including the after-show party). What kind of poxy programming is that? OK, I'm turning over. Bloody lot of nonsense if you ask me....

ITV2

22:47: Some bird (no idea who she is) is at the podium with Angus Deayton to present the Best New British Comedy gong. It goes to The Inbetweeners. It's a Channel 4 comedy about a group of sixth-form teenagers in surbubia. They're not cool enough to be popular and they're not geeky enough to be shunned - hence, The Inbetweeners. Everyone gets up on stage to accept the award and much mayhem ensues.

22:55: It's time for the Best Television Comedy Newcomer (Female) and the award goes to...Katy Brand. How is that possible? Gordon Brown is funnier than she is. That Big Ass show of hers is big ar*e. Oh well.

22:59: It's time for the Best Television Comedy Newcomer (Male) and the award goes to...Simon Bird, star of The Inbetweeners. Channel 4 will be happy.

And that's it. I can see why the last three awards are shoved onto ITV2 now, but my work here is done. That's it for another year. On Angus Deayton's showing, I don't think Jonathan Ross has got too much to worry about. Admittedly, this hasn't been a vintage British Comedy Awards by any means. Absent stars, rubbish speeches - that was nearly two hours of my life that I will never get back...g'night.

Today I am mostly lovin' - How good is the BBC's comedy TV gem Outnumbered? If you haven't heard of it, don't worry - you're not the only one. I'm a relative newcomer to this show and I'm kicking myself that I didn't discover it earlier. Largely improvisational, it's a neat twist on the family sitcom. And it's funny as hell. I'll go into more detail about this series in a forthcoming blog entry. See it on Saturday nights on BBC1 or catch-up with the latest instalment on Wednesdays on BBC2 or the BBC's iPlayer.

Today I am mostly hatin' - The fact that there'll be no more Terry Wogan on Eurovision. What a legend. It's the end of an era, peeps. 

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Foam fingers at the ready because a new series of Sky1 hit Gladiators is on the way this January. Airing first on ITV from 1992-2000, it was presented by Ulrika Jonsson, John Fashanu and later, Jeremy Guscott. Gladiators made household names of the likes of Wolf, Trojan, Shadow, Jet, Nightshade and Hunter. To this day, they are all still fondly remembered; little wonder Sky1 took the decision to revive this fondly-remembered favourite.

The hit show will see six new Gladiators join the team for the second series. Sadly, veteran referee John Anderson will not be back; he'll be replaced by boxing referee John Coyle. However, in news that will excite hardcore fans, one old-timer is returning: everyone's favourite baddie, 56-year-old Wolf.

Will the Wolfman strike fear into the hearts of all those budding contestants, just as he did way back in the ITV days? Let's hope so because in truth, this is arguably what the resurrected series has lacked and sorely missed: a 'boo! Hiss!' pantomime villain for everyone to love to hate. Born in Bombay, Wolf's real name is Michael Van Wijk. Commentating on his return he said: "I was blown away by the buzz I felt competing in the Gladiators arena again. It was like I'd never been away. The audience was phenomenal and clearly wanted more of the Wolfman. And now I'm back as manager, and I'm in charge."

The new Gladiators are as follows:  
    

Amazon - (real name, Zoe Williams. She's 5ft 10", weighs 10 stone 6lbs and her specialist event is Powerball).

Cyclone - (real name, Donna Williams. She's 5ft 4", weighs 9 stone 3 lbs and her specialist event is Hang Tough).

Doom - (real name, Wayne Gordon. He's 6ft 3", weighs 15 stone and his specialist event is Pursuit).

Goliath - (real name, Barri Griffiths. He's 6 ft 6", weighs 19 stone 9lbs and his specialist event is Earthquake).

Siren - (real name, Amy Guy. She's 5ft 9", weighs 9 stone and her specialist event is hang tough).

Warrior - (real name, Daniel Singh. He's 6ft 3", weighs 17 stone 8lbs and his specialist event is Hang Tough).

Steve Jones, Commissioning Editor, Sky1, 2 and 3, said: "Our new Gladiators are an awesome sight to behold. Bigger, stronger, and even more unstoppable than before. We have found some brilliant characters and they will all be at the top of their game for fear of getting a rollicking from their new manager. I actually feel a bit sorry for our contenders this series."

Really? Well Steve mate, I actually felt a bit sorry for the Gladiators in the first series; some of them appeared far less bulky than their 1990s counterparts. And that's just the women. I swear I saw flesh wobbling on a couple of them - Jet would be horrified. You can see how the newbies perform when Gladiators returns to Sky1 in January. Me? I'm looking forward to seeing whether the Wolfman can turn back time...

Today I am mostly lovin' - Did anyone see High Society's Favourite Gigolo on Channel 4 last night? It was a remarkable story of the meteoric rise and pitiful fall of Britain's first black superstar. An obsessive womaniser (who was also bisexual), Leslie 'Hutch' Hutchinson's many lovers included Cole Porter, Ivor Novello and Tallulah Bankhead. But it was his affair with Lady Mountbatten that created a huge scandal in 1932. Absolutely fascinating programme. A great watch.

Today I am mostly hatin' - I hate to say it, but I think Heroes is losing its way. I really hope it bounces back... 

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Hello everyone. It's good to be back. I don't know about you, but I am kicking myself for falling for a prime piece of hype. I blame myself; I work in this industry, I should know better. But when I saw a headline screaming: '£1 million find on Antiques Roadshow!', visions of Del Boy and Rodney danced before my eyes and I excitedly mentioned the programme to my family. This was a must-watch event, a once in a lifetime TV moment and I didn't want to miss it.

Earlier in the week, the BBC reported that Antiques Roadshow would screen the first ever object to be valued by a show expert at £1 million. The item of interest was kept under wraps and kudos to them because I didn't get a sniff of said closely-guarded secret until the show aired last Sunday at 7.15pm on BBC1. According to the BBC, fine art expert Philip Mould made 'the find' and broke the news to the owner at a venue in Gateshead. The owner knew it was valuable, but, said the press release, the actual value 'shocked' apparently.

At home, my family all wondered what it could be: an Old Master bought for a tenner at a car boot sale? A piece of old China handed down from generation to generation? An old Roman coin found at the bottom of a garden? Answer? None of the above.

Instead, the reveal was.....a design model of Anthony Gormley's Angel of the North sculpture. The model was one of a number he made to win over sceptical councillors ahead of the statue's commissioning. And why was it valued at £1m? Because a larger design model had recently sold at auction for £2m. The model on Antiques Roadshow was OWNED BY GATESHEAD COUNCIL. It had been in council offices for 13 years! What a disappointment. "Is that it??!?" my mum cried in disbelief. "You made us watch this...for that??!!?" said my sister. What could I say? I tried to explain that I'd been taken in, but my family were having none of it and took their frustration out on me.

I'm resolved never to fall for anything that cheap and underhanded again. I'd expect a move like that from a digital broadcaster desperate to get viewers watching some sort of salacious celebrity tat - I certainly don't expect it from Auntie and most definitely not for Horlicks-and-comfy-slippers TV such as the likes of Antiques Roadshow. What annoys me is that this tactic simply wasn't needed; the show has been storming the ratings in recent weeks, beating ITV's much-trumpeted drama Britannia High into the ground. Ever seen The Real Hustle? It tends to air on BBC Three and demonstrates confidence tricks, flimflams, hoaxes, frauds and various other nefarious deeds for a trusting public so that we can avoid becoming victims. May I humbly suggest they add 'The Great Antiques Roadshow Rip-off Scam' to that series?

Today I am mostly lovin' - I am still loving watching the Tina Fey as Sarah Palin Saturday Night Live skits. Absolutely hilarious! She totally nailed that impersonation.

Today I am mostly hatin' - That bloomin' Garnier Nutrisse advert with Davina McCall. Aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggghhh!   

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