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Why You Must Watch Criminal Justice

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 12:56:32 GMT

Summer TV. Usually, it's nothing more than an assortment of sport, Big Brother, tacky documentaries from the school of 'my baby weighs more than a baby elephant' and endless repeats. However, I'm pleased to say that the BBC is breaking the mould with its five-part thriller Criminal Justice. To be screened daily over five nights starting from Monday June 30, this compelling drama offers a thought-provoking insight into the criminal justice system.

Actor Ben Whishaw plays happy-go-lucky youngster Ben Coulter who's just yer average bloke, if a little sensitive. After 'borrowing' his dad's black taxi cab, his life is changed forever following a wild encounter with a woman he picks up. Some drink, drugs and sex later, he wakes up to find her stabbed to death. Panicked, Ben flees. However, fate conspires against him and a traffic accident results in capture. Charged with murder, he can't remember what happened the night before and Ben's world descends into a labyrinth of foreign places: a police station, a prison, a courtroom. Naive and petrified, he has to learn to survive alongside disturbed cellmates, dodgy screws and hardcore career criminals of the likes of Hooch (Pete Postlethwaite) and Freddie Graham (David Harewood).

Fans of American shows Law & Order and Murder One will be familiar with the dramatic premise employed here as Criminal Justice follows Ben's story from the crime through to the police investigation, court case and verdict. It's not perfect - the pace is uneven at times (especially at the beginning and in the middle) but the brilliant cast make up for that. With every instalment, the tension racks up to almost unbearable levels and Ben's memory blank proves a highly effective suspense-driver. Did he really do it? Is he truly guilty? Are we sympathising with a man capable of murder? By the time the verdict is in, you'll have no nails left.

Criminal Justice is written by former barrister Peter Moffat who also gave us the brilliant Cambridge Spies and Kavanagh QC. A rollercoaster ride through the Criminal Justice system, it's well worth investing your time and emotions over its five-day run. Why? Yes, it's well written and acted - that goes without saying. But crucially, the unsettling lesson to learn is that in the Criminal Justice system, the truth is optional. Moreover, it can be a luxurious liability. What really counts is playing the game, and the system, in order to get the best result possible. Suspects do it to win their freedom; barristers do it to win their case and police officers do it to meet their targets. After watching this intriguing drama, you may no longer be surprised at why, for example, figures for rape convictions remain disgracefully low.

Criminal Justice: preview

Today I am mostly lovin' - House. Yes it is occasionally silly and yes it does stretch credulity at times, but I can't get enough of it (and Hugh Laurie).

Today I am mostly hatin' - Has anyone told Toyota that there's a credit crunch on? Where are they getting the money to advertise that bloomin' advert using The Feeling's Join With Us every five minutes? 'Ring, ring, beep, beep'? I'll give you 'wring, wring' in a minute Toyota. Grrrrr!

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Will Pushing Daisies Return To ITV1?

Tue, 17 Jun 2008 17:38:12 GMT

Back in January, I was invited to the press screening for new ITV1 show Pushing Daisies. My write-up was extremely enthusiastic as you'll see if you read the blog entry Why Anna Is The Real Friel. However, I also expressed a reservation that I am now inclined to view as incredibly portentous. I said: "I must admit, I can't help feeling that this show's UK success may be curtailed by the channel that's bought it. It just doesn't feel like an ITV1 series (more BBC2, Channel 4 or E4). I really hope I'm wrong..."

As it turned out, I was right. Ratings for the quirky drama dropped from a solid debut of 5.7million viewers to 2.4million for Corpsicle, the last season one episode. And not even a massive 13 million lead-in from the final of Britain's Got Talent, the most-watched TV programme of the year so far, could help it.

Once upon a time, we were fed a steady diet of reputable American imports on ITV: Happy Days, Mork & Mindy (utterly lame - but that's the benefit of hindsight), Laverne And Shirley, CHiPs (dance Ponch, dance!), TJ Hooker (calling all lovers of bad TV!) Soap, The Incredible Hulk, The Man From Atlantis (it didn't last long, but it had cult status - even back then), The A-Team...Somehow, somewhere along the line ITV lost their Uncle Sam Midas touch. Oh they can do shows about obese children and finding the next new British 'star' until the cows come home, but getting a US series to work primetime on ITV1? As arduous a task as enduring Fiona Phillips' Chelsea love-ins.

In a way, ITV were arbiters of their own doom. They splashed out on Pushing Daisies, their first imported peaktime drama since 1996's Millennium (Chris Carter's follow-up to The X Files), only to drop the second episode. According to the broadcaster, it had to be skipped because they could only fit in eight of the nine shows before Euro 2008.

What they didn't anticipate was the absolute fury of fans whose posts on forums up and down the country forced the furore into the media spotlight (the BBC could barely contain its glee in its news bulletins). ITV had to publicly acknowledge their action: "Episode two was the only show we could drop without spoiling the storyline," a spokesman reportedly said. A promise to show the missing link at a later date was also dutifully dispatched. However the damage was done. ITV's casual disregard for viewers led some to vote with their remote controls and boycott the rest of the series. Others headed for torrent sites and/or swore that they'd wait for the (June 23) DVD release.
Get Pushing Daisies on DVD here

Re-commissioned for a second US season, Pushing Daisies stars Lee Pace, Anna Friel (Goal!, Rogue Trader, Brookside), Chi McBride, Kristen Chenoweth, Swoosie Kurtz, Ellen Greene and is narrated by 'Carry On' star Jim Dale. I can't see ITV1 sticking with it - not in a primetime slot anyway. The Pushing Daisies fiasco has illustrated yet again that US imports are ITV's bête noire.

Today I am mostly lovin' - Come Dine With Me. I prefer the old format, but the new Channel 4 shows are simmering along nicely (did you see what I did there?) and Dave Lambert's sarcastic contributions are hilarious!

Today I am mostly hatin' - Am I the only person creeped-out by 10 Years Younger's Nicky Hambleton-Jones?

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My Objection To A Controversial Advert

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 21:02:00 GMT

Acknowledging that I'd complained about one of the Trident commercials (featured in my piece on Controversial TV Adverts) prompted some users to write in and slate me. (no name) said: "Would you like me to get you a peice [sic] of fish, for the chips on your shoulder. Pulling the 'race card'. How original. Im [sic] actually black myself, and I nor anyone I know found that offensive. All idiots like you acheive [sic] by playing the 'its so offensive and racist' card is an even worse sterotype [sic] that we all out to claim the white man is victimising us yet again. Grow up, your [sic] pathetic."

Conversely, I've had e-mails and messages from other users genuinely interested in my reasons for objecting. Sonia wrote to say: "I read your article about the TV ads and needed to ask you why you felt offended about the Trident gum ad?"

I really hope a previous blog entry I penned entitled Leave Tom And Jerry Alone will throw some light on the subject. Have a read of it first and then watch the videos below. Contrary to the opinion of a few, I am not easily offended and I am no Mary Whitehouse. However, this advert prompted a heated reaction within my circle of family and friends every time it aired as we all felt it was insensitive. If my explanation hasn't satisfied you, feel free to let me know. By the way, I am not looking for converts here; I realise that many people liked this Trident TV commercial and found it hilarious. We'll agree to disagree on its merits. However, I've been asked to explain myself and so....

Is this noughties advert.......(watch)

....any different to these plus half-century old depictions of black people featured in the ending montage of Spike Lee's Bamboozled? I made my decision. You can make yours. [watch]

Today I am mostly lovin' - How utterly cool of ITV to use Marlena Shaw's classic rare groove 'California Soul' to advertise their summer programming. If you want to hear the track in full, check out my music list at the left hand side of my blog.

Today I am mostly hatin' - Alexandra's attitude (Big Brother). Listen luv, respect isn't a birthright. You have to earn it...

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May Mailbag

Wed, 04 Jun 2008 13:17:32 GMT

Regular readers of this blog will know that the first entry of the new month is about looking back. I've perused all the feedback and mail sent in during May. Here's what you've been saying...

Rather controversially, I included The Apprentice, ER and Friends in my list of TV Shows That Lost It. Suffice it to say, some of you weren't impressed. Bradley wrote in to say:
"I have just finished reading your article, and have to say I think most of your comments are widely off the mark."
Jason said: "I think you're losing the plot. The Apprentice is the best thing on TV at the moment and each series goes from strength to strength."
Andrew said: "I mean come on - Friends - you will find looking at the television viewing figures for this shot up towards the end of the series ! Madness ! ER- its still going strong... Re-write this article - please ! For modern entertainments sake. P.S You should have gone to Specsavers."
Andy said: "Sorry Lorna, you're talking c**p about The Apprentice. If these individuals were any good at their job, then the whole programme would be a complete waste of time - don't think you've grasped that! It's because they are so useless at their chosen tasks, that's what makes' this programme so entertaining. As for referring to 'French wording' in your criticism of the programme, please remember what country you live in, do the French use any our wordings..NO!"

My response? Well, I pretty much explained my point of view in the original article. However I will add that irrespective of the entertainment value of useless Apprentice hopefuls (Michael Sophocles, for example), the entire premise is seriously undermined if the calibre of the contestants is too low; Sir Sir Alan Sugar himself has acknowledged this. As for 'French wording' - a quick scan of your history books will tell you that this country was conquered by the Normans and elements of the language remain in colloquial use today. Every word I've used is in the Oxford English Dictionary and you can't get more British than that, can you? Tally ho!

So last month, I put together a page of Apprentice Look-Alikes. I think this one is my favourite - a tad cruel perhaps. But then again, so was Jenny Celerier at times. Abby wrote in to say: "Your page with the pictures or the look-alike Apprentice candidates from past and present was very good, esp the ginger one (provides some very much needed relief from revision).
Thanks Abby - hope you passed those exams! Gareth wrote in on the same subject:
"You said that Claire Young from the Apprentice looks like Kerry Katona and I must agree there is some resemblance, but I feel you're missing out on a far closer resemblance between Claire and podgy Trowbridge based snooker player Stephen Lee (picture of him here). Not that I'm trying to tell you how to do your job or anything..." Gareth, if your settings had allowed, I would've written you back to thank you for giving me a much-needed laugh that day. Very funny!

MuBeE wrote in regarding a gallery feature for Britain's Got Talent: "I was reading the little paragraph that you wrote about Suleman/Signature...I couldn't help but notice that you referred to Michael Jackson as the 'former' king of pop....what was that about...? So you're trying to say that Elvis is the 'former' king of rock...? I can't get it why people like YOU from the media are so against the dude; you are so delusional that you really think that by bad mouthing the biggest star the world has ever seen, you'll get a bit more views on you're stupid page."
MuBeE, me and Michael go back a long way; right back to Jackson 5 days. As great as he undoubtedly is musically, his crown has slipped somewhat. But that's just my opinion.

Fraser wrote in with regard to a feature I compiled on the Top Footy Shows: "Not one Scottish show in the top 16? No Sportscene with Archie "Wooof!" Macpherson? No Scotsport (Britain's longest-running football show) with Arthur Montford's famous jackets? No "Only An Excuse?" which has become essential viewing every Hogmanay? Is this MSN UK or MSN England?" Fraser, you make a very good point. I can only say in my defence that I tried to include shows that are broadcast nationally on terrestrial and multi-channel platforms, rather than regional variations. Unfortunately I have never seen the shows you refer to and despite input from two Scots in the office, neither mentioned your faves! I will definitely bear this in mind for the future.

My blog entry Let's All Laugh At Fiona Phillips! continues to cause a stir and opinion is firmly divided. Jonathon wrote in to say: "You are so right. I have been a United fan for 32 years and my son likes Chelski, but I would never support them. Any chance you could get this trailer-park-trash off GM.TV and leave the beautiful Penny Smith to present?" Thank you for your comment Jonathon. Unfortunately, this is one area where I am unable to assist you. On the other hand, Cheryl takes a different view: "If you do not like GMTV when Fiona Phillips is on...either turn the TV over or try exercising your fingers and turn it OFF. I happen to like her and so do many others - grow up and whinge about something worthwhile." Cheryl, something tells me you're whistling in the wind but it's always good to have an opposing point of view.

Finally this month, acknowledging that I'd complained about the Trident commercial, featured in my piece about Controversial TV Adverts, has prompted some users to write in and slate me: (no name) said: "Would you like me to get you a peice [sic] of fish, for the chips on your shoulder. Pulling the 'race card'. How original. Im [sic] actually black myself, and I nor anyone I know found that offensive. All idiots like you acheive [sic] by playing the 'its so offensive and racist' card is an even worse sterotype [sic] that we all out to claim the white man is victimising us yet again. Grow up, your [sic] pathetic." Ooooooooh! I did hit a nerve there, didn't I! As so many of you are genuinely interested in my reasons for objecting, I shall explain fully in a day or two. Stay tuned...

Thanks for all your comments and messages guys. Keep them coming in. That's it for this month as far as the mailbag is concerned.

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Apprentice Star's Interview No-show - Part 2

Wed, 28 May 2008 00:42:42 GMT

Ladies and gents, lightning has struck twice. Kevin Shaw, the Apprentice's only merchant banker in the village, escaped my clutches as detailed here. I'm still cursing my rotten luck; I'd been desperate to get my hands on him (figuratively speaking, of course). Unfortunately, and this is unprecedented as far as my experience of The Apprentice goes, it's happened again.

Michael 'Teflon' Sophocles is not doing any interviews. Rumour has it that he's sold his story, exclusively, to one of the tabloids. And what a great way of avoiding awkward, sticky questions too...or is it? Y'see, I thought I'd have a little fun imagining how Teflon might've responded had I been able to interview him.

Fake Apprentice Interview

Me: Kosher. Any nearer to knowing what it means now?

Teflon: Yes. According to Del Boy, it's unlaundered money.

Me: No. That's not it.

Teflon: I'm such a dum-dum! It's not Del Boy. It's Arthur Daley.

Me: Outside of classic 80s TV shows; are you any nearer to knowing what Kosher means?

Teflon: Isn't it a line in that Diddy song Come To Me?

Me: Nah. That's 'come closer' not 'come Kosher'.

Teflon: Is it the where the phrase 'under the cosh' comes from? So it means that you're even more under the thumb?

Me: In a word, no.

Teflon: Oh. Is it a popular name? A Christian name, perhaps?

Me: Good one Teflon! The irony...

Teflon: What? I don't get it.

Me: On the whole, you were pretty useless really. You can't inspire, you can't lead, you can't sell, you can't manage....Can you do anything at all? Can you breathe unaided, for example?

Teflon: Next to selling, breathing's what I was born to do. I am a fantastic breather. There is no one better at breathing than me. I inhale just the right amount of air needed to fill my lungs and I'm very, very, very considerate with regard to the amount of carbon dioxide I exhale and the people that don't are just dum-dums.

Me: Teflon - we're gonna miss your stupidity...
____________________________________________
See our Apprentice special for more on this show.

Our Big Brother 9 special has now launched. It's got loads of fun features including Big Brother Mingers (spoilt for choice) and Big Brother Babes (ditto).
____________________________________________

Today I am mostly lovin' - Watching clips of classic Sesame Street (none of this Elmo rubbish!). I am now convinced that I will never, ever grow out of my childhood.

Today I am mostly hatin' - The weather's too obvious, isn't it? What da heck. It's our national obsession...

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'Let's All Laugh At' Fiona Phillips!

Wed, 21 May 2008 23:51:07 GMT

A little while ago, I made my selection of TV's Most Annoying and invited MSN users to do the same on the Talk TV message board. Unsurprisingly, the name Fiona Phillips crops up again and again and again. For a variety of reasons, the GMTV presenter grates (although, to be fair, she has her fans too).

In addition to just about everything she does on GMTV, it's the non-stop wittering about Chelsea FC from the former Southampton supporter that sets my teeth on edge. Where was she when they were Jurassic-sized dinosaur poo? And no, famouseccles, my Spurs-supporting mate, this isn't a bitter Gooner talking (much). The switch to Chelsea was due to the fact that her sons support them. Fair enough (or is it?). However, like many a convert before her - she's gone overboard. Thus, the decision to fly her out to Moscow to cover the Champions League final for GMTV seemed a very strange one indeed. Whatever happened to neutral reporting?

Andrew Castle may be an Arsenal fan, but he at least has some connection to sport, having played tennis professionally and commented on numerous tournaments. If anyone should've gone, surely it should've been him? Unsurprisingly, Ms Phillips didn't exactly cover herself in glory - her performances at the press conferences were cringe-inducing and her questions were inane in the extreme. Over the past few weeks, I've bit my tongue and kept my bile in check; all I wanted was the footballing gods to answer my silent and ever-so-fervent prayers. And oh! How they've been answered: Drogba off! Terry misses! Cashley a loser! Terry cries like a girl at a McFly concert! Me? I was laughing my head off. Funniest thing I've seen in ages. And thinking of the GMTV presenter watching it all unfold made it funnier.

A win for Chelsea would surely have made Fiona Phillips the smuggest woman on Earth and that would be a sight my delicate stomach should be spared. I was dreading catching her on GMTV if Chelski had done it. Instead, in the words of Sir Alan Sugar: "Ya lost!"

Our Big Brother 9 special has now launched. It's got loads of fun features including Big Brother Mingers (spoilt for choice) and Big Brother Babes (ditto).

Today I am mostly lovin' - Schadenfreude!

Today I am mostly hatin' - No more Raef...shame.

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Remember This Classic TV Advert?

Sat, 17 May 2008 13:06:06 GMT

A couple of nights ago, I watched a very old VHS tape (Cheers, Just Good Friends, Channel 4's Starsky and Hutch Night etc). Up popped some great old adverts that had me squealing in excitement. One in particular is genius: it was a McDonald's advert (yes, McDonald's!) for their Indian menu: the Lamb McSpicy (£1.39!), the McChicken Korma Naan, vegetable samosa and pineapple sundae. It cleverly spoofed those old 70s cinema ads for the local curry house. Complete with scratchy audio, bad acting and a 1960s-sounding BBC-accented narrator, it ended: "For curry in a hurry, poppadom to McDonald's restaurant". Laugh? I nearly wet myself.

Unfortunately, I have not been able to track down a version of this advert on the net and it'll be a cold day in hell before I get around to uploading it. However, I did find some press about it. Here's what Campaign's Karen Yates reported back in 1999:

"Leo Burnett has resurrected the style of 70s low-budget cinema advertising for the launch of the McDonald's Indian range. Three films, which parody the classic local curry house ad, deliberately use outmoded film techniques to create a dated effect. Each execution begins with a cliched shot of Indian people or beauty spots, such as the Taj Mahal, and goes on to show people in 70s clothing enjoying food at McDonald's. The script, meanwhile, features some awful puns ('kormalong to our friendly restaurant').

The director, Steve Reeves, enhanced the self-conscious and stilted atmosphere of the ads by casting catalogue models rather than actors. He gave deliberately bad directions to the cast and rolled the cameras before calling 'action' to enhance the effect. The editor, Adam Spivey, then hand-spliced the film, sometimes using Sellotape, while the dialogue was manipulated by Wave to recreate the typical mono style of degraded sound. Music for the soundtrack was lifted straight from a 60s public information film, and the ads also feature dated typography and end-frames that appear to have been added on at the last minute."

It's no fun hearing about this advert and not being able to see it, so as a compromise, I instead present Pearl & Dean's 'pa-pa, pa-pa' theme tune and a selection of 1970s cinema ads. Brilliant.

Today I am mostly lovin' - The fact that Bravo has chosen to re-run classic hit The A-Team. I pity da fool who ain't seen it!

Today I am mostly hatin' - OK, whose daft idea is it to recreate teen smash Beverly Hills 90210 for the noughties? When will these TV execs learn that sometimes, you've got to draw a line under a show and move on.

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Dermot's Big Brother Replacements Announced

Mon, 12 May 2008 12:30:21 GMT

Last summer's Big Brother gave us a chance to assess sister show Big Brother's Big Mouth without the indefatigable Russell Brand. In short, it was a mess. Some days it was worth watching (Ian Wright was good), but in the main, it was symptomatic of the mess Big Brother (UK) itself is in; directionless, unfocused, sloppy.

The loss of Dermot O'Leary, the face of companion show Big Brother's Little Brother, has compounded the problems. How to replace him? Well for a start, it takes two. George Lamb and Zezi Ifore have been confirmed as the new presenters of Big Brother's Little Brother. The pair - said to be hugely excited about their new challenge - worked together on E4 Music and breakfast entertainment show Freshly Squeezed. For anyone unfamiliar with them, here you go...

George Lamb has interviewed some of the biggest names in music and film, including 50 Cent, Gwen Stefani, Kiefer Sutherland, Ian Brown, and Lindsay Lohan, to name but a few. Not bad for someone who has only been presenting for a year or so. He's the son of actor Larry Lamb who's been in The Bill and Gavin and Stacey.

South East London 'It' girl Zezi Ifore seems to have tried it all before becoming an E4 Music presenter; past jobs included DJing and editing a fashion magazine. She's also one half of DJ duo 'Zapotecsoundsystem' with E4's Nick Grimshaw.

It's definitely a new era for Big Brother; George and Zezi have enormous shoes to fill. If you believe the constant rumours that Big Brother 9 is Davina McCall's swansong, change is something fans will have to grow accustomed to. Time will tell whether that will turn out to be a good or a bad thing.

Today I am mostly lovin' - The fact that I have finally worked out how to connect additional external equipment to my TV using a scart splitter (it should be a GCSE qualification!). Also, Birmingham's relegation (it's called karma for Eduardo). I'm only sorry Bolton didn't go down too.

Today I am mostly hatin' - The change to the Come Dine With Me theme music.

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Apprentice Star's Interview No-show

Thu, 01 May 2008 22:41:58 GMT

On the day I assert that The Apprentice is becoming a victim of its own success (see TV Shows That Lost It), the best episode of this fourth series so far airs. D'oh! So much for my timing. I still stand by what I wrote though.

It has to be said, every single second of Wednesday night's card task was glorious. From the moment SurrrAlan chose Kevin Shaw as project manager, I knew we were in for TV gold. And so it proved. The only merchant banker in the village turned in a performance of such astounding incompetence, he should seriously consider working for HM Revenue and Customs delivering child benefit computer discs.

I watched Kevin closely on The Apprentice: You're Fired! He didn't enjoy having his short-comings exposed so mercilessly (and hilariously!) for the nation's amusement. After puffing himself up with a vastly inflated degree of his own self-importance, he was brought back to Earth with a resounding bump. I rubbed my hands in glee at the thought of interrogating...sorry, interviewing him.

I prepared for my Thursday tête-à-tête with the fired candidate as usual. But after a bit of a delay, I received a call from the PR rep informing me that Kevin had a "personal problem" and regrettably, interviews for the day were now cancelled and there would be no re-scheduling. My one chance had gone. Naturally, I tried to ascertain the exact nature of this "personal problem" but no further explanation was available.

My own theory as to why Kevin Shaw was a no-show? Well...of course it's entirely possible that he really did have a "personal problem" so I scanned the papers and internet for bad news: bereavement, house falling down, period pain even! Anything. No mention of Kevin other than a story about some girlie reportedly trying to kiss him (be still my stomach).

So what am I left to conclude? Let's try this one on for size: after enduring interview after interview in which he was probably (and rightly) slated, ridiculed and belittled, it's possible that he went all Naomi/Mariah/diva on everyone, decided he'd had enough of having his monumental failings rubbed in his cherubic-like face and pulled out of further interviews. Good old Kevin Shaw-t; top entertainment to the bitter end.

Our Apprentice special featuring a fun blog, fab features, galleries, profiles, interviews and more

Today I am mostly lovin' - The running, naked Visa man. Drooooooooool! Nice bum too...

Today I am mostly hatin' - Football. That's all I'm gonna say.

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April Mailbag

Thu, 01 May 2008 21:19:11 GMT

Regular readers of this blog will know that the first entry of the new month is about looking back. I've perused all the feedback and mail sent in during April. Here's what you've been saying...

I have received a great deal of e-mails in response to my article about The TV Shows That Lost It. Most vehemently oppose my selection of the likes of The Apprentice and ER however, it's the Friends fans who are really up in arms. The e-mail I received from MSN user Andrew is fairly typical of the outrage: "I mean come on - Friends - you will find looking at the television viewing figures for this shot up towards the end of the series! Madness! Re-write this article please! P.S You should have gone to Specsavers."
Good grief, you guys are sooooooo in denial! I loved Friends in the early days but there is no doubt in my mind that its best years were at least five years behind it by the time the final episode aired in 2004. It was much fresher and funnier pre Ross/Emily saga (yawn). In short, I stand by every single word I wrote.

Kirsty sent in an e-mail saying: "Just saw your article Pop Stars Made On TV - boy did it give me a huge chuckle re-living some of those who were good - and those who were incredibly BAD!" Kirsty continues: "Also read your Blog about Easter TV! I REALLY miss UK TV (having lived here for 4 years now), especially around the holidays (Easter, Xmas etc). TV here in Oz is absolutely awful. I enjoy your articles/features - will keep logging on to read!
Regards and many thanks."
Kirsty, pleased to hear we're making your time in Oz easier. I've given you tons of memories of UK TV, haven't I? If you'd like me to answer some of the questions in your original e-mail, please change your settings so that I can respond.

MSN user Deezy wrote in to say: "I have just noticed your blog for the first time today. I read through some of your articles and enjoyed them. I also think you look like a really interesting person so, I wanted to ask you if you have ever watched or written on South Park?"
I LOVE South Park but I haven't had the opportunity to write specifically around the show yet - something else always seems to come up. I will do something in time so stick around!

Dohdohbird and Paul sent e-mails in response to my Dallas blog entry about UKTV Gold's disgraceful treatment of the soap's fans. Paul said: "How right you are about UKTV annoying the hell out of many of us Dallas fans..."
Indeed. It's a shame Dallas fans have been treated so shabbily by the broadcaster, but the earlier years are still being aired.

Thanks for all your comments and messages guys. Keep them coming in. That's it for this month as far as the mailbag is concerned.

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Bafta TV Awards 2008

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 18:35:03 GMT

22.00

A standing ovation for Brucie, and all that remains for me to do now is thank my editors, producers, readers, parents and goldfish. Thank you, thank you, and thank you once more. Did you agree with the Bafta judges' decisions? Or do you, like me, think Capaldi was robbed? Leave your comments below. Until next time...

Visit our own tribute to the great Bruce Forsyth here.

21.58

Oh wait - there are more. Hang on... a news coverage Bafta award for kneejerk breaking news enthusiasts and digital reconstruction obsessives Sky News? Whatever next? Jimmi Harkishin (Corrie's Dev) given a gong for best soap actor? I despair, really I do.

21.54

Final award of the night (phew) is the highest of all Bafta accolades: the Fellowship Award. It goes to Bruce Forsyth, one of British television's longest-serving entertainers and a man about whom it's nearly impossible to say anything nasty. Paul Merton - a life-long Brucie fan - presents the award. Ah, here he comes. Nice to see him, to see him nice. Didn't he do well?

21.48

At last: a Bafta for Cranford! Eileen Atkins beats bookies' fave Dame Judi Dench to the best actress gong.

21.45

And the winner of the Bafta award for best actor is... Andrew Garfield for his portrayal of a child criminal released back into society in Channel 4's Boy A. This kid has stage school written all over him. Still, one to watch, I reckon.

21.41

The big ones now: the Baftas for best actor and actress. Brace yourself...

21.40

Peep Show wins the Bafta for best sitcom. Benidorm misses out. If it hadn't been for Harry Hill and his chips chippy chips, it could have been a dark night indeed for ITV.

21.35

A show designed to strip away the last vestiges of dignity from the nation's chavs? A bunch of corporate monkeys vying for a job on an industrial estate in Essex? No, the Sky+ audience award goes not to Britain's Got Talent or The Apprentice, but to Gavin & Stacey (or Gavin & Tracey as Paul Watson would have it). Come on, Corden, you can do better than that!

21.31

Heroes beats Family Guy to the international award. Stewie will not be impressed. I guess the Bafta judges have yet to see any of Heroes season two...

21.29

Jim Robinson! With a beard!

21.28

OK wrap it up now please, Watson. We don't have all night.

21.22

Ah... John Hurt. Now there's a real class act. Not sure what he's come as though.

21.19

Blah blah factual series. Blah blah A Tale Of Two Cities. The post-9pm slump. Even Nick Hewer's yawning. Has Cranford still not had an award yet? Zzzzz.

21.15

In my humble opinion, the Bafta for best comedy performance should have gone to Peter Capaldi for his hilarious portrayal of Malcolm Tucker in The Thick Of It. Instead it goes to James Corden, who was lucky not to unravel all the goodwill he'd garnered from Gavin & Stacey with his toe-curling stint presenting Big Brother's Big Mouth in January. Sadly, an 'hilarious' acceptance speech from James was not forthcoming.

21.08

The Mark Of Cain snatches Bafta glory from right under the nose of Boy A in the best single drama category. Another in the bag for Channel 4, either way.

21.00

Chips chippy chips!

20.56

Best single documentary doesn't, surprisingly, go to Malcolm and Barbara: Love's Farewell, ITV's controversial and moving portrayal of an Alzheimer victim's final days. The winner instead is Channel 4's Lie Of The Land. Turning into a good night for Channel 4.

20.52

Cranford robbed! Britz wins best drama serial! Shocker! Still can't believe Murphy's Law was even nominated for this. Director Peter Kosminsky seems genuinely surprised by the win. Bless.

20.47

Best features programme? Please don't let it be 'kitchen alchemist' (i.e. bore) Heston Blumenthal. Or The Secret Millionaire - the world's most benevolent and patronising TV show all rolled into one; middle-class guilt assuaged by lending a helping hand to the peasants for a couple of hours... Justice is served: the winner is swearword generator Gordon Ramsay for Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares.

20.41

And the Bafta for continuing drama goes to... eh? Holby City? Surely there's been some mistake? And where on earth is Coronation Street? Graham Norton's about to tell us the whole thing was a wind-up and the real winner is Corrie. Oh, no he isn't. What do you think? Was Corrie robbed? Leave your messages below...

20.35

Best current affairs award goes to China's Stolen Children - A Dispatches Special. I never saw it, but I'm sure it's a worthy winner. I did see the Panorama dog-fighting special and was struck at the time by how much better it could have been had it been narrated by Donal McIntyre. Or Tim Westwood.

20.32

Is Ross Kemp drunk?

20.30

Best entertainment performance. And the winner is... the UK's number two TV commentator Harry Hill for his star turn in one of telly's last remaining laugh-out-loud comedy programmes: TV Burp. Cracking acceptance speech. Chips chippy chips indeed.

20.25

World's most boring man makes acceptance speech for ITV F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live. A nation nods off.

20.23

A TV genre so far from my heart it might as well not exist: sport. Deciding between these four nominees would, for me, be like choosing whether to burn, freeze, starve or be flayed to death. What, no nomination for November's England v Croatia match?

20.20

Best comedy programme now and, lordy, what a dreadful line-up. Is this really the cream of British comedy? Fonejacker - a poor man's Trigger Happy TV - takes the gong. Wonder if he'll phone in his acceptance speech?

20.12

And the Bafta for best drama series goes to... The Street. No, not Coronation Street. I had my money on Life On Mars. Another tenner down the drain then.

20.08

2007's best bits. What, no Deal Or No Deal?

20.05

Time for a few crappy jokes at the audience's expense, courtesy of the ubiquitous Graham Norton. Oh well, at least it's not Fearne Cotton. Or JK and Joel. No more close-ups of Justin Lee Collins, please.

20.00

The stars are lining up on the red carpet, and we're off. Hang on... was that Jim Robinson?

It's that time of year again when the cream of the British television industry (and Graham Norton) get together to give themselves a great big collective slap on the back. Yes, tonight is Baftas night and, as Coops has taken two weeks off to watch her Knight Rider and Remington Steele video box sets in their entirety I, Stuart Bak, will be your guide to all the winners, losers, fumbled acceptance speeches and wardrobe malfunctions of the night. Will period drama and bookies' favourite Cranford sweep the board as expected? Or will it be pipped to best drama serial by Murphy's Law? (No chance). Join me here live at 8.00pm to find out...

Bafta TV Awards: Sunday, April 20th 8:00pm

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:46:23 GMT

Hello World!

Don't forget that our TV columnist Stuart Bak will be covering the Bafta TV Awards live here this Sunday from 8.00pm onwards.

Watch this space...

"Contender READY! Gladiator READY!"

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 19:01:48 GMT

I discovered Gladiators. As far as my circle of friends and family are concerned, that is. Back in the early 1990s, ITV's Night Time strand included an odd programme called American Gladiators. I'd get in from a night out and tune in to this over-the-top and hugely camp extravaganza in the wee hours of the morning. I'd never seen anything like it and instantly fell in love. So did a million or so other night owls. Realising the potential of their cult hit, ITV cashed in with a UK version.

The Saturday night primetime incarnation was presented by Ulrika Jonsson, John Fashanu and later, Jeremy Guscott; it ran from 1992-2000 and made household names of the likes of Trojan, Wolf, Shadow, Jet, Nightshade and Hunter. To this day, it is still fondly remembered. Little wonder Sky One is bringing it back in May; Kirsty Gallacher and Ian Wright are your hosts and legendary referee John Anderson ("Contender READY!") resumes his iconic role.

Yesterday, I attended a press launch for the revamped series. And boy, did Sky One put on an impressive (and expensive) show. Pyrotechnics, fire, thunderous music - the works.

John Anderson strode out to enthusiastic applause, folded his arms and then opened his lungs: "Photographers READY!". That man's got some serrrrrrrrrious pipes on him - he must've been a nightmare as a baby. And then it was time to bring out the 12 new lycra-clad, bicep-bulging Gladiators. My initial impression? Most of them appear far less bulky than their 1990s counterparts. And that's just the women. Even I could take on some of the geezers; anti-drugs campaigns must be finally working (Jefferson King, who was 'Shadow' on the 1990s series, was sacked following allegations of drug use in a tabloid paper). As a couple of the female Gladiators walked away, I spotted flesh wobbling - Jet would be horrified. Anyway, I made quick notes about each of them as they strutted their stuff down the runway and posed. Here goes:

Destroyer (Damar Martin): Huge thighs. Wow.
Spartan (Roderick Bradley): Ooooh, he looks all Ancient Greek. Talk about chiselled! You could cut glass on his cheekbones
Enigma (Jenny Pacey): I think the enigma is why? She looks really weedy
Inferno (Jemma Palmer): Wow! A real-life Lara Croft. Her breasts are huge and they don't move - not one wobble. They're more solid than the economy. She'll be an audience fave.
Predator (Du'aine Ladejo): He's wearing a bra top. With the muscles and posing - it's beyond camp. Who styled him? Jean-Paul Gaultier?
Tempest (Lucy Boggis): Pretty. Pretty vacant too.
Panther (Kara Nwidobie): Now you're talking! Toned, athletic, strong and strutting her stuff to Missy Elliot's Get UR Freak On. She's wicked. Love her already.
Atlas (Sam Bond): Tall, huge, very muscled, pretty with ridiculously long, curly-girly hair. The overall effect is more camp than The Village People; teen girls (and some gay men) will love him. He's the new Hunter.
Battleaxe (Shirley Webb): Solid-looking woman.
Ice (Caroline Pearce): Toned, blonde, striking looks; men'll love her. But she doesn't look all that strong
Oblivion (Nick Aldis): He doesn't look strong enough to take on a puppy.
Tornado (David McIntosh): It's hard to look mean in lycra. Like the tattoos though.

Richard Woolfe, the director of programming for Sky One, Two and Three, says: "The games are bigger, the contenders are stronger and the Gladiators are even more unbelievable...It's a colossus of a programme and it's going to blow people's socks off." I won't be able to watch the new series because I'm a Virgin Media subscriber and the two broadcasters are, as you all may know, in dispute. Bummer.

I'm out of here for two weeks. Patricia, I will answer your query about advert breaks on my return.

Today I am mostly lovin' - BBC4's Curse Of Comedy season was good. My favourite was definitely The Curse Of Steptoe. Unfortunately, Rather You Than Me proved an ineffectual dramatisation about Frankie Howerd with a weak David Walliams in the lead role. He was acted off the screen by Rafe Spall (son of Brit great Timothy). Still, the season overall was a great watch.

Today I am mostly hatin' - I can't be the only person Tyra Banks annoys the heck out of on American's Next Top Model?

MSN Editor Coops
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"Nobody Beats Ol' J.R.!"

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 19:27:30 GMT

...except UKTV Gold. If you want a perfect example of a broadcaster disrespecting their viewers - just check out what UKTV Gold has done to Dallas fans. Reflecting on this as I prepared my tribute to the soap's 30th anniversary made me a very unhappy bunny. The channel aired the iconic series from the first episode, giving it a daytime push and a red-eye slot for repeats and catch-ups. There were highly frustrating, unexpected pauses in the UKTV Gold run for the likes of The Bill and Doctor Who but, in the main, Dallas continued on its merry way. And then came season five.

J.R. wooed Sue Ellen and put the boot into Cliff Barnes, driving him to a suicide attempt. Cliff's in a coma and he's been there since the last episode aired on Friday October 12 2007. So where's Dallas? The broadcaster hasn't bothered to inform the loyal fans who tuned in daily when, or

if, subsequent season(s) will be shown. Understandably, viewers have been venting about the lack of communication on UKTV Gold's Dallas message board. Pleas and requests for information have fallen on deaf ears and some users complaining about the absence of the soap report that their posts have been deleted: from Mikeblag: "all 3 of my posts have been removed, none of which were insulting or rude." From DALLAS FANtastic: "why have my posts been deleted? They were not rude. Very J.R. like." And you thought free speech was alive and well? Not the freedom to criticise UKTV Gold it seems.

Some of you may be wondering what all the fuss is about. For my money, until Pam's dream, Dallas was the best-scripted, most highly-addictive slice of family dysfunction ever. Its gift to the world was J.R. Ewing, a phenomenal pantomime villain with stronger lines than Keef Richards: "Once you give up integrity the rest is a piece of cake" and "What's a family for if it can't take care of its losers?" are just two of many gems.

In the early years, all the characters were soooo right: tough patriarch Jock Ewing; firm but fair earthy Miss Ellie (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!); amoral, devious, bed-hopping J.R.(WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY!); handsome, goody-goody Bobby (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!); lip-quivering, sexually frustrated, southern-belle Swellin' (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!), plastic porcelain Pammy; sly vixen Lucy; perennial loser Cliff (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!)...memories!

UKTV Gold allowed older fans to revisit Dallas, but it also introduced the fussin', fightin', feudin' Ewings and Barneses to a new generation of fans. And now they're all left high and dry. Shame on you UKTV Gold. It's not much, but I'll take any Dallas fix I can get - check out this brief taster of a fantastic show that still holds up after 30 years.

Today I am mostly lovin' - The fact that I am now the proud owner of series 1-7 of Minder on DVD. Uncut. Take that, UK censors!

Today I am mostly hatin' - OK. Why does that bloomin' annoying woman have to go all the way to London to buy Heat magazine?

MSN Editor Coops
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