MSN TV Blog: The Remote Control

Fancy Being MSN's Big Brother Blogger?

Thu, 08 May 2008 16:12:44 GMT

Our reality TV blogger is taking some time off so we're looking for a dedicated and enthusiastic Big Brother fan to keep MSN users up to date with the latest news and gossip.

The successful candidate's duties will involve:
Posting up-to-date Big Brother news and gossip
Writing live blog entries, complete with opinion and reaction, as the daily highlights show airs on Channel 4
Detailing Big Brother spoilers, and recaps
Reporting on the content of sister shows (Big Brother's Little Brother, Big Brother's Big Mouth, Diary Room Uncut etc)
Conforming to MSN's editorial style

The successful candidate will have:
Good writing skills, including a grasp of grammar and the ability to proof and sub-edit your own copy
An informed opinion
A sense of humour
Initiative

This is not an office-based role; you must have the ability to work from home (i.e. computer with suitably fast internet connection) as most of the work will be out of office hours. Previous writing experience would be advantageous, but is not essential.
To apply candidates must write a short piece about Big Brother contestant Shanessa's time on the show, in no more than 200 words.

Applications, complete with name, age, contact details and occupation, should be sent to: msnukTV@hotmail.co.uk with the subject heading of Big Brother Blogger. The position is a paid one; terms will be discussed with the successful applicant. It will last at least four weeks from the first week of June, but there may be a possibility of more projects. Please bear in mind the level of commitment this show will demand before applying. Applications submitted without the required sample piece will not be considered and only the successful candidate will be contacted. The deadline is May 22, 2008 and applications will not be accepted after that date.

Good luck!

Apprentice Star's Interview No-show

Thu, 01 May 2008 22:41:58 GMT

On the day I assert that The Apprentice is becoming a victim of its own success (see TV Shows That Lost It), the best episode of this fourth series so far airs. D'oh! So much for my timing. I still stand by what I wrote though.

It has to be said, every single second of Wednesday night's card task was glorious. From the moment SurrrAlan chose Kevin Shaw as project manager, I knew we were in for TV gold. And so it proved. The only merchant banker in the village turned in a performance of such astounding incompetence, he should seriously consider working for HM Revenue and Customs delivering child benefit computer discs.

I watched Kevin closely on The Apprentice: You're Fired! He didn't enjoy having his short-comings exposed so mercilessly (and hilariously!) for the nation's amusement. After puffing himself up with a vastly inflated degree of his own self-importance, he was brought back to Earth with a resounding bump. I rubbed my hands in glee at the thought of interrogating...sorry, interviewing him.

I prepared for my Thursday tête-à-tête with the fired candidate as usual. But after a bit of a delay, I received a call from the PR rep informing me that Kevin had a "personal problem" and regrettably, interviews for the day were now cancelled and there would be no re-scheduling. My one chance had gone. Naturally, I tried to ascertain the exact nature of this "personal problem" but no further explanation was available.

My own theory as to why Kevin Shaw was a no-show? Well...of course it's entirely possible that he really did have a "personal problem" so I scanned the papers and internet for bad news: bereavement, house falling down, period pain even! Anything. No mention of Kevin other than a story about some girlie reportedly trying to kiss him (be still my stomach).

So what am I left to conclude? Let's try this one on for size: after enduring interview after interview in which he was probably (and rightly) slated, ridiculed and belittled, it's possible that he went all Naomi/Mariah/diva on everyone, decided he'd had enough of having his monumental failings rubbed in his cherubic-like face and pulled out of further interviews. Good old Kevin Shaw-t; top entertainment to the bitter end.

Our Apprentice special featuring a fun blog, fab features, galleries, profiles, interviews and more

Today I am mostly lovin' - The running, naked Visa man. Drooooooooool! Nice bum too...

Today I am mostly hatin' - Football. That's all I'm gonna say.

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April Mailbag

Thu, 01 May 2008 21:19:11 GMT

Regular readers of this blog will know that the first entry of the new month is about looking back. I've perused all the feedback and mail sent in during April. Here's what you've been saying...

I have received a great deal of e-mails in response to my article about The TV Shows That Lost It. Most vehemently oppose my selection of the likes of The Apprentice and ER however, it's the Friends fans who are really up in arms. The e-mail I received from MSN user Andrew is fairly typical of the outrage: "I mean come on - Friends - you will find looking at the television viewing figures for this shot up towards the end of the series! Madness! Re-write this article please! P.S You should have gone to Specsavers."
Good grief, you guys are sooooooo in denial! I loved Friends in the early days but there is no doubt in my mind that its best years were at least five years behind it by the time the final episode aired in 2004. It was much fresher and funnier pre Ross/Emily saga (yawn). In short, I stand by every single word I wrote.

Kirsty sent in an e-mail saying: "Just saw your article Pop Stars Made On TV - boy did it give me a huge chuckle re-living some of those who were good - and those who were incredibly BAD!" Kirsty continues: "Also read your Blog about Easter TV! I REALLY miss UK TV (having lived here for 4 years now), especially around the holidays (Easter, Xmas etc). TV here in Oz is absolutely awful. I enjoy your articles/features - will keep logging on to read!
Regards and many thanks."
Kirsty, pleased to hear we're making your time in Oz easier. I've given you tons of memories of UK TV, haven't I? If you'd like me to answer some of the questions in your original e-mail, please change your settings so that I can respond.

MSN user Deezy wrote in to say: "I have just noticed your blog for the first time today. I read through some of your articles and enjoyed them. I also think you look like a really interesting person so, I wanted to ask you if you have ever watched or written on South Park?"
I LOVE South Park but I haven't had the opportunity to write specifically around the show yet - something else always seems to come up. I will do something in time so stick around!

Dohdohbird and Paul sent e-mails in response to my Dallas blog entry about UKTV Gold's disgraceful treatment of the soap's fans. Paul said: "How right you are about UKTV annoying the hell out of many of us Dallas fans..."
Indeed. It's a shame Dallas fans have been treated so shabbily by the broadcaster, but the earlier years are still being aired.

Thanks for all your comments and messages guys. Keep them coming in. That's it for this month as far as the mailbag is concerned.

MSN Editor Coops
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Bafta TV Awards 2008

Sun, 20 Apr 2008 18:35:03 GMT

22.00

A standing ovation for Brucie, and all that remains for me to do now is thank my editors, producers, readers, parents and goldfish. Thank you, thank you, and thank you once more. Did you agree with the Bafta judges' decisions? Or do you, like me, think Capaldi was robbed? Leave your comments below. Until next time...

Visit our own tribute to the great Bruce Forsyth here.

21.58

Oh wait - there are more. Hang on... a news coverage Bafta award for kneejerk breaking news enthusiasts and digital reconstruction obsessives Sky News? Whatever next? Jimmi Harkishin (Corrie's Dev) given a gong for best soap actor? I despair, really I do.

21.54

Final award of the night (phew) is the highest of all Bafta accolades: the Fellowship Award. It goes to Bruce Forsyth, one of British television's longest-serving entertainers and a man about whom it's nearly impossible to say anything nasty. Paul Merton - a life-long Brucie fan - presents the award. Ah, here he comes. Nice to see him, to see him nice. Didn't he do well?

21.48

At last: a Bafta for Cranford! Eileen Atkins beats bookies' fave Dame Judi Dench to the best actress gong.

21.45

And the winner of the Bafta award for best actor is... Andrew Garfield for his portrayal of a child criminal released back into society in Channel 4's Boy A. This kid has stage school written all over him. Still, one to watch, I reckon.

21.41

The big ones now: the Baftas for best actor and actress. Brace yourself...

21.40

Peep Show wins the Bafta for best sitcom. Benidorm misses out. If it hadn't been for Harry Hill and his chips chippy chips, it could have been a dark night indeed for ITV.

21.35

A show designed to strip away the last vestiges of dignity from the nation's chavs? A bunch of corporate monkeys vying for a job on an industrial estate in Essex? No, the Sky+ audience award goes not to Britain's Got Talent or The Apprentice, but to Gavin & Stacey (or Gavin & Tracey as Paul Watson would have it). Come on, Corden, you can do better than that!

21.31

Heroes beats Family Guy to the international award. Stewie will not be impressed. I guess the Bafta judges have yet to see any of Heroes season two...

21.29

Jim Robinson! With a beard!

21.28

OK wrap it up now please, Watson. We don't have all night.

21.22

Ah... John Hurt. Now there's a real class act. Not sure what he's come as though.

21.19

Blah blah factual series. Blah blah A Tale Of Two Cities. The post-9pm slump. Even Nick Hewer's yawning. Has Cranford still not had an award yet? Zzzzz.

21.15

In my humble opinion, the Bafta for best comedy performance should have gone to Peter Capaldi for his hilarious portrayal of Malcolm Tucker in The Thick Of It. Instead it goes to James Corden, who was lucky not to unravel all the goodwill he'd garnered from Gavin & Stacey with his toe-curling stint presenting Big Brother's Big Mouth in January. Sadly, an 'hilarious' acceptance speech from James was not forthcoming.

21.08

The Mark Of Cain snatches Bafta glory from right under the nose of Boy A in the best single drama category. Another in the bag for Channel 4, either way.

21.00

Chips chippy chips!

20.56

Best single documentary doesn't, surprisingly, go to Malcolm and Barbara: Love's Farewell, ITV's controversial and moving portrayal of an Alzheimer victim's final days. The winner instead is Channel 4's Lie Of The Land. Turning into a good night for Channel 4.

20.52

Cranford robbed! Britz wins best drama serial! Shocker! Still can't believe Murphy's Law was even nominated for this. Director Peter Kosminsky seems genuinely surprised by the win. Bless.

20.47

Best features programme? Please don't let it be 'kitchen alchemist' (i.e. bore) Heston Blumenthal. Or The Secret Millionaire - the world's most benevolent and patronising TV show all rolled into one; middle-class guilt assuaged by lending a helping hand to the peasants for a couple of hours... Justice is served: the winner is swearword generator Gordon Ramsay for Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares.

20.41

And the Bafta for continuing drama goes to... eh? Holby City? Surely there's been some mistake? And where on earth is Coronation Street? Graham Norton's about to tell us the whole thing was a wind-up and the real winner is Corrie. Oh, no he isn't. What do you think? Was Corrie robbed? Leave your messages below...

20.35

Best current affairs award goes to China's Stolen Children - A Dispatches Special. I never saw it, but I'm sure it's a worthy winner. I did see the Panorama dog-fighting special and was struck at the time by how much better it could have been had it been narrated by Donal McIntyre. Or Tim Westwood.

20.32

Is Ross Kemp drunk?

20.30

Best entertainment performance. And the winner is... the UK's number two TV commentator Harry Hill for his star turn in one of telly's last remaining laugh-out-loud comedy programmes: TV Burp. Cracking acceptance speech. Chips chippy chips indeed.

20.25

World's most boring man makes acceptance speech for ITV F1: Canadian Grand Prix Live. A nation nods off.

20.23

A TV genre so far from my heart it might as well not exist: sport. Deciding between these four nominees would, for me, be like choosing whether to burn, freeze, starve or be flayed to death. What, no nomination for November's England v Croatia match?

20.20

Best comedy programme now and, lordy, what a dreadful line-up. Is this really the cream of British comedy? Fonejacker - a poor man's Trigger Happy TV - takes the gong. Wonder if he'll phone in his acceptance speech?

20.12

And the Bafta for best drama series goes to... The Street. No, not Coronation Street. I had my money on Life On Mars. Another tenner down the drain then.

20.08

2007's best bits. What, no Deal Or No Deal?

20.05

Time for a few crappy jokes at the audience's expense, courtesy of the ubiquitous Graham Norton. Oh well, at least it's not Fearne Cotton. Or JK and Joel. No more close-ups of Justin Lee Collins, please.

20.00

The stars are lining up on the red carpet, and we're off. Hang on... was that Jim Robinson?

It's that time of year again when the cream of the British television industry (and Graham Norton) get together to give themselves a great big collective slap on the back. Yes, tonight is Baftas night and, as Coops has taken two weeks off to watch her Knight Rider and Remington Steele video box sets in their entirety I, Stuart Bak, will be your guide to all the winners, losers, fumbled acceptance speeches and wardrobe malfunctions of the night. Will period drama and bookies' favourite Cranford sweep the board as expected? Or will it be pipped to best drama serial by Murphy's Law? (No chance). Join me here live at 8.00pm to find out...

Bafta TV Awards: Sunday, April 20th 8:00pm

Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:46:23 GMT

Hello World!

Don't forget that our TV columnist Stuart Bak will be covering the Bafta TV Awards live here this Sunday from 8.00pm onwards.

Watch this space...

"Contender READY! Gladiator READY!"

Sat, 12 Apr 2008 19:01:48 GMT

I discovered Gladiators. As far as my circle of friends and family are concerned, that is. Back in the early 1990s, ITV's Night Time strand included an odd programme called American Gladiators. I'd get in from a night out and tune in to this over-the-top and hugely camp extravaganza in the wee hours of the morning. I'd never seen anything like it and instantly fell in love. So did a million or so other night owls. Realising the potential of their cult hit, ITV cashed in with a UK version.

The Saturday night primetime incarnation was presented by Ulrika Jonsson, John Fashanu and later, Jeremy Guscott; it ran from 1992-2000 and made household names of the likes of Trojan, Wolf, Shadow, Jet, Nightshade and Hunter. To this day, it is still fondly remembered. Little wonder Sky One is bringing it back in May; Kirsty Gallacher and Ian Wright are your hosts and legendary referee John Anderson ("Contender READY!") resumes his iconic role.

Yesterday, I attended a press launch for the revamped series. And boy, did Sky One put on an impressive (and expensive) show. Pyrotechnics, fire, thunderous music - the works.

John Anderson strode out to enthusiastic applause, folded his arms and then opened his lungs: "Photographers READY!". That man's got some serrrrrrrrrious pipes on him - he must've been a nightmare as a baby. And then it was time to bring out the 12 new lycra-clad, bicep-bulging Gladiators. My initial impression? Most of them appear far less bulky than their 1990s counterparts. And that's just the women. Even I could take on some of the geezers; anti-drugs campaigns must be finally working (Jefferson King, who was 'Shadow' on the 1990s series, was sacked following allegations of drug use in a tabloid paper). As a couple of the female Gladiators walked away, I spotted flesh wobbling - Jet would be horrified. Anyway, I made quick notes about each of them as they strutted their stuff down the runway and posed. Here goes:

Destroyer (Damar Martin): Huge thighs. Wow.
Spartan (Roderick Bradley): Ooooh, he looks all Ancient Greek. Talk about chiselled! You could cut glass on his cheekbones
Enigma (Jenny Pacey): I think the enigma is why? She looks really weedy
Inferno (Jemma Palmer): Wow! A real-life Lara Croft. Her breasts are huge and they don't move - not one wobble. They're more solid than the economy. She'll be an audience fave.
Predator (Du'aine Ladejo): He's wearing a bra top. With the muscles and posing - it's beyond camp. Who styled him? Jean-Paul Gaultier?
Tempest (Lucy Boggis): Pretty. Pretty vacant too.
Panther (Kara Nwidobie): Now you're talking! Toned, athletic, strong and strutting her stuff to Missy Elliot's Get UR Freak On. She's wicked. Love her already.
Atlas (Sam Bond): Tall, huge, very muscled, pretty with ridiculously long, curly-girly hair. The overall effect is more camp than The Village People; teen girls (and some gay men) will love him. He's the new Hunter.
Battleaxe (Shirley Webb): Solid-looking woman.
Ice (Caroline Pearce): Toned, blonde, striking looks; men'll love her. But she doesn't look all that strong
Oblivion (Nick Aldis): He doesn't look strong enough to take on a puppy.
Tornado (David McIntosh): It's hard to look mean in lycra. Like the tattoos though.

Richard Woolfe, the director of programming for Sky One, Two and Three, says: "The games are bigger, the contenders are stronger and the Gladiators are even more unbelievable...It's a colossus of a programme and it's going to blow people's socks off." I won't be able to watch the new series because I'm a Virgin Media subscriber and the two broadcasters are, as you all may know, in dispute. Bummer.

I'm out of here for two weeks. Patricia, I will answer your query about advert breaks on my return.

Today I am mostly lovin' - BBC4's Curse Of Comedy season was good. My favourite was definitely The Curse Of Steptoe. Unfortunately, Rather You Than Me proved an ineffectual dramatisation about Frankie Howerd with a weak David Walliams in the lead role. He was acted off the screen by Rafe Spall (son of Brit great Timothy). Still, the season overall was a great watch.

Today I am mostly hatin' - I can't be the only person Tyra Banks annoys the heck out of on American's Next Top Model?

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"Nobody Beats Ol' J.R.!"

Sun, 06 Apr 2008 19:27:30 GMT

...except UKTV Gold. If you want a perfect example of a broadcaster disrespecting their viewers - just check out what UKTV Gold has done to Dallas fans. Reflecting on this as I prepared my tribute to the soap's 30th anniversary made me a very unhappy bunny. The channel aired the iconic series from the first episode, giving it a daytime push and a red-eye slot for repeats and catch-ups. There were highly frustrating, unexpected pauses in the UKTV Gold run for the likes of The Bill and Doctor Who but, in the main, Dallas continued on its merry way. And then came season five.

J.R. wooed Sue Ellen and put the boot into Cliff Barnes, driving him to a suicide attempt. Cliff's in a coma and he's been there since the last episode aired on Friday October 12 2007. So where's Dallas? The broadcaster hasn't bothered to inform the loyal fans who tuned in daily when, or

if, subsequent season(s) will be shown. Understandably, viewers have been venting about the lack of communication on UKTV Gold's Dallas message board. Pleas and requests for information have fallen on deaf ears and some users complaining about the absence of the soap report that their posts have been deleted: from Mikeblag: "all 3 of my posts have been removed, none of which were insulting or rude." From DALLAS FANtastic: "why have my posts been deleted? They were not rude. Very J.R. like." And you thought free speech was alive and well? Not the freedom to criticise UKTV Gold it seems.

Some of you may be wondering what all the fuss is about. For my money, until Pam's dream, Dallas was the best-scripted, most highly-addictive slice of family dysfunction ever. Its gift to the world was J.R. Ewing, a phenomenal pantomime villain with stronger lines than Keef Richards: "Once you give up integrity the rest is a piece of cake" and "What's a family for if it can't take care of its losers?" are just two of many gems.

In the early years, all the characters were soooo right: tough patriarch Jock Ewing; firm but fair earthy Miss Ellie (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!); amoral, devious, bed-hopping J.R.(WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY!); handsome, goody-goody Bobby (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!); lip-quivering, sexually frustrated, southern-belle Swellin' (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!), plastic porcelain Pammy; sly vixen Lucy; perennial loser Cliff (WE ARE NOT WORTHY!)...memories!

UKTV Gold allowed older fans to revisit Dallas, but it also introduced the fussin', fightin', feudin' Ewings and Barneses to a new generation of fans. And now they're all left high and dry. Shame on you UKTV Gold. It's not much, but I'll take any Dallas fix I can get - check out this brief taster of a fantastic show that still holds up after 30 years.

Today I am mostly lovin' - The fact that I am now the proud owner of series 1-7 of Minder on DVD. Uncut. Take that, UK censors!

Today I am mostly hatin' - OK. Why does that bloomin' annoying woman have to go all the way to London to buy Heat magazine?

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March Mailbag

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 23:37:01 GMT

Regular readers of this blog will know that the first entry of the new month is about looking back. I've perused all the feedback and mail sent in during March. Here's what you've been saying...

Bernie wrote in with regard to my blog entry about Channel 4's Stephen Hawking: Master Of The Universe to say:
"I agree with you. In the grand scheme of things, it is petty fighting over religion and all the other mundane things we find so important in our daily lives. Stephen Hawking is an amazing man." Thank you for your view Bernie. I was extremely humbled to be in the great man's presence...

alyssa felt that my gallery of Trash TV shows was missing a programme or two:
"Just a quick one. Looked at your Trash TV pics at the bottom of your feature and you have missed the chaviest of the lot: JORDAN AND PETER."
Yeah, I know. I ummed and aahed and couldn't decide whether to include them or not (I must admit, their show is such a guilty pleasure of mine). At some point, I'll add them in...On the same subject, I've upset a fan of Gladiators:

"The inclusion of Gladiators is WRONG WRONG WRONG! How dare you include this magnificent and beautiful programme on a trash list; it was always a childhood favourite, and I am delighted there is to be a new series. Get your facts right before you start knocking good TV, and stop wasting your life watching TV and career. You are not Harry Hill!"
Of course I'm not Harry Hill; he's a bloke for a start...As for Gladiators, I stand by every word I said in that feature: "It was entertaining at first, but in its final years, it was like sitting through a sub-standard pantomime." That's why Gladiators made it into the gallery...

It's another request from a user whose tolerance level is at an all-time low:
"Hi it's me again. You couldn't do anything about Miss Fiona Phillips and I don't suppose you can do anything about Miss Mylene Klass? I'm just letting off steam because every bloody time I turn on the telly, there she is. Thanks for letting me bend your ear; talk to you soon."
Ubiquitous TV personalities seems to go in cycles; at one time, I couldn't turn on my TV without Fearne bloomin' Cotton's perky face bouncing off my screen. I can't do anything about Mylene Klass, but Fiona Phillips is listed in my article about TV's Most Annoying.

Joe wrote in to say:
"LOVED your article on The Apprentice...you're not able to tell me who goes out are you? I would love to know beforehand...although I guess you're not allowed to tell me! Anyway thanks for your time reading this :)"
Nice words Joe mate - cheers. In future, if you'd like me to e-mail you back, change your settings. We've got a massive Apprentice special this year so do make sure you check it out.

Final word goes to young Michaela:
"Hiya...I just wanted to let you know that I think you are AMAZING!! All of the pieces that you write are so truthful and
your frankness makes me laugh. I will aspire to be like you one day. Thanks for your time."
Thank you for your kind words Michaela; I calls 'em as I sees 'em. Heed the words of Stratford-upon-Avon's famous Bard and you won't go far wrong: "This above all: to thine own self be true."

Thanks for all your comments and messages guys. Keep them coming in. That's it for this month as far as the mailbag is concerned.

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5 Things I Learnt From Easter TV

Wed, 26 Mar 2008 16:14:19 GMT

1. You can never have too much Hugh Laurie. Never. I watched him in the new series of House (he blew me away - but he does that every week); I laughed at his befuddled Prince George in Blackadder The Third and I adore him alongside Stephen Fry in Jeeves And Wooster.

2. Nothing will erase the memory of Franco Zeffirelli's Jesus Of Nazareth (starring Robert Powell). I mentioned this production in an article looking back at TV In 1977 and for me, it remains the definitive portrayal of the life of Jesus Christ; visually stunning with a wonderful cast, who give excellent performances. The BBC gave it a fair go with The Passion but it was a case of close, but no cigar.

3. The No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency was a fitting tribute to the late Anthony Minghella. Directed by him, from a script he co-wrote with Richard Curtis, it's based on the first novel in the best-selling series by Alexander McCall Smith. R&B singer Jill Scott was a revelation in the lead role as Mma Ramotswe. Anika Noni Rose (Dreamgirls) played her secretary Mma Makutsi and Lucian Msamati (Spooks) was first-class as Mma Ramotswe's suitor, JLB Matekoni. Special mention to David Oyelowo (The Last King Of Scotland, Spooks) as the sleazy Kremlin Busang; he made me laugh so hard, I got hiccups.
Some critics accused this production of being "rose-tinted" and "twee". OK fine. It did veer on that side a tad (Richard Curtis has a knack of doing that to every single thing he touches). However it was, without doubt, one of the funniest, most refreshing, poignant and life-affirming programmes I've seen on TV in a long while. And its massive 6 million showing in the ratings indicates that many more enjoyed it too.
African women in the lead roles would've made The No.1 Ladies' Detective Agency perfect - but I guess this is a necessary concession in order to tap into that all-important American market. Look out for the series on BBC1 later this year. In the meantime, enjoy one of my favourite Jill Scott songs. It's called Family Reunion and it's about family get-togethers; y'all know the kinds I mean, right? Just picture a hot day, loadsa food and all your relatives popping round...including their kids.

4. There's no point screening Airplane!, and the like, in the daytime. My enjoyment of this classic movie was seriously ruined by Five who butchered it. I really wish broadcasters would desist from screening shows, sitcoms and films that are unsuitable pre-watershed if all they're going to do is cut them to pieces.
UKTV Gold? Stop showing Porridge and Only Fools And Horses if the political incorrectness or fruity language is not to your liking because the editing is not to ours! E4 and Channel 4? Forget about Friends in the daytime if the result is going to be cuts and chops so obvious, even a brain cell-challenged WAG wannabe can see it. Grrrrrrrrrrr!

5. I'm sick and tired of the long-running Sky/Virgin Media dispute. I was unable to see Terry Pratchett's The Colour Of Magic on Sky One due to the fact that I am a Virgin Media subscriber. Sky's basic channels have been unavailable to us for well over a year and it's time this dispute was resolved. Ultimately, it's customers that are losing out.

Today I am mostly lovin' - The Apprentice is back! I love this show. The first episode is a must-see so don't miss it.

Today I am mostly hatin' - The BBC should stop defending that buried alive/coffin EastEnders scene because they're starting to look stooooopid. It's indefensible. It's as simple as that. I'm no prude - I abhor censorship of all kinds, but there's a line...and EastEnders is one soap that persists in crossing it. Where is the common sense as far as pre-watershed content is concerned? UKTV Gold cuts out fruity (not profane) language from Only Fools And Horses in the afternoon and the BBC shows a man in a coffin because his wife intends to bury him alive before the 9pm mark. Hypocrites - the lot of 'em.

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Steptoe and Son - Tears Of The Clowns

Fri, 21 Mar 2008 03:26:02 GMT

The thin line between comedy and tragedy; that's what classic sitcom Steptoe and Son always represented to me.
As far as British situation comedy is concerned, you won't get much bigger or better than this tale of rag and bone men. It ran for eight series between 1962 and 1974, had massive viewing figures and made stars of Harry H Corbett and Wilfrid Brambell. The

often fraught, toxic relationship between Harold Steptoe and his father Albert never fails to raise a laugh. "You dir-----ty old man!" the son will often cry in utter revulsion at his father antics, including bathing in the living room. Y'see pater is uncouth, unkept and unrefined while poor Harold, with his delusions of grandeur, had ambitions and dreams beyond the claustrophobic confines of his wily old dad and the messy scrapyard. The show starts in the 1960s but there's no Swinging for Harold because the old man thwarts him at every turn. Deep down we know that he'll never leave his father and get out of the junkyard. The real tragedy is that Harold knows it too thus the despair and desperation jumps out of every single frame.

In a twist of fate that should redefine the concept of life imitating art, BBC Four's excellent dramatisation The Curse Of Steptoe scratched beneath the surface to bring us the pain of the pair that brought us the laughter. Starring Jason Isaacs as Harry H Corbett and Phil Davis as Wilfrid Brambell, both turn in absolutely superb performances as the chalk and cheese actors.

The story begins as Harry H Corbett, winning rave reviews for his serious stage work, is dubbed Britain's Marlon Brando. Writers Ray Galton and Alan Simpson are, therefore, astonished when he agrees to appear in their one-off comedy about a father and son who are rag and bone men. However, Corbett viewed it as a postmodern drama: "It's not a sitcom, it's more like Beckett," he says. When it's a huge success, they pen a series. And then another. And another. And another…Before long, the two actors are both typecast - forever cemented as "'Arrrold!" and "You dir-----ty old man!" Harry H Corbett's dazzling stage career is ruined, while closet homosexual and heavy drinker Wilfrid Brambell found his secret private life hitting the headlines in the worst possible way.

The sad truth is they created a monster from which there was no escape. Watching Steptoe and Son now, and hearing Harold moan about being trapped, is like a punch in the face. It truly adds to the poignancy, as if there wasn't enough already. "Actors - they're all poofs!" old man Steptoe sneers as his son prepares for a new career, his latest attempt to escape. The irony is painful given Brambell's sexuality, but the writers aren't finished: they pen Harold practicing Marlon Brando's "I coulda been a contender" speech from On The Waterfront. It's enough to make you weep.

Today I am mostly lovin' - House is back! My TV life has meaning again. And Hugh Laurie? Phwoar!

Today I am mostly hatin' - Broadcasters plan more TV commercial breaks. Yes, you read that right...

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Germans In Sense Of Humour Shock

Tue, 11 Mar 2008 00:52:11 GMT

BBC News 24 is on all day in our office (for obvious reasons) and so it was impossible to miss the crowing as newsreader after newsreader announced that World War II sitcom 'Allo 'Allo has been sold to the Germans. Who said they don't have a sense of humour? No wonder the BBC was loving the irony.

'Allo 'Allo ran on BBC1 from 1982-1991 and remains one of Britain's best-loved sitcoms. A massive hit, it was set in Nazi-occupied France, poking fun at the Gestapo, Hitler and just about everybody else. It will be broadcast in Germany for the first time and dubbed into German in its entirety. A shame in a way as some of the comedy accents will probably get lost in translation.

How funny will Officer Crabtree be in the new German version? He was the British spy posing unconvincingly as a Gendarme, often mangling the French language with his Inspector Clouseau-like diction. "Good Moaning," was his catchphrase (of course, he meant 'good morning') and it became one of the most famous associated with the show.

Other memorable characters included the put-upon Rene Artois (played by Gordon Kaye) who constantly faced drama in his home life due to the uneasy line he trod between appeasing the local Nazis and aiding the Resistance. A long-running joke had Renee hiding a painting, The Fallen Madonna With The Big Boobies, inside a garlic sausage (always got to get the phallic joke in there somewhere).

Herr Flick was the emotionless Gestapo officer with the exaggerated limp. Always dressed in a long leather trench coat and steel-rimmed glasses, his secret relationship with Nazi double agent Helga Geerhart provided an endless source of jokes.

Captain Bertorelli was the Italian stereotype; disorganised, flirtatious and in command of troops who were a shambles. Often uttering, "The beautiful lady, I kissa the hand!" in a heavy Italian accent, his other catchphrases included "What-a mistake-a to make-a!" and "Heil-a-Mussolini!"

Finally, who can forget Michelle Dubois? Leader of the local branch of the Resistance, Michelle is also the owner of one of the sitcom's most famous catchphrases - "Listen very carefully, I shall say zis only once" - uttered every time she explains the latest absurd plan.

BBC Worldwide struck the unlikely deal with broadcaster ProSiebenSat1, which will show all eight series (83 episodes). A BBC spokeswoman said: "Both BBC Worldwide and ProSiebenSat1 are very happy about the deal. 'Allo 'Allo is a high quality programme which had not been picked up in Germany until now due to the subject matter." Get a flavour of the show by watching the video...

'Allo 'Allo was written by David Croft and Jeremy Lloyd, the duo also responsible for Are You Being Served? with its "I'm free!" John Inman catchphrase, a pre-EastEnders Wendy Richard as Miss Brahms and Mollie Sugden's Mrs Slocombe, always worrying about her "pussy" (a cat, of course). The fantastic thing about 'Allo 'Allo was that it sent everyone up: the English were befuddled twits with upper-class accents; the Nazis were ineffectual buffoons; the French were very 'ooh la la!' and the Italians were greasy-haired charmers. No one was spared - 'Allo 'Allo was a stickler for equal opportunities stereotyping. In addition, it made crude innuendoes and predictable gags an art form. All very Carry On Nazi. No wonder we Brits, for the most part, lapped it up. And now the Germans will. Somebody needs to tell Basil Fawlty that it's OK to mention the war now.

Today I am mostly lovin' - The FA Cup! How brilliant to see Chelsea and Man U lose! Hahaha! Looking forward to the final now. Good luck to all the teams remaining.

Today I am mostly hatin' - That bleedin' Flake advert with Joss Stone. What a Jurrassic pile of codswallop. Dropping a sledgehammer on yer toe is probably less painful than sitting through that paean to pretentiousness. Bring back the proper Flake girl adverts!

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Stephen Hawking: Master Of The Universe

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 11:59:14 GMT

The invitation said: 'Channel 4 invites you to join Professor Stephen Hawking for a special preview screening of Stephen Hawking: Master of the Universe at Channel 4...' No way was I saying no to that so off I went.

I've interviewed some top Hollywood stars in my time - I'm talking Big Kahunas here. However, I have never felt so humbled and awed as I was when Professor Hawking's chair was wheeled in. "Hello. How are you?" he said to members of the press via his electronic voice synthesizer.
As far as I'm concerned, that should be officially listed as an eighth Wonder of the World. It was absolutely incredible to be in the presence of such a great man.

You'll have to excuse my inability to find the words to express the feeling that came over me. Suffice it to say, I had goose bumps.

We were all there to watch the first instalment of a two-part series which examines some of the very biggest, mind-blowing posers of them all - and more astonishingly, tries to find answers. Presented by Professor Stephen Hawking, arguably the most famous scientist of our age, it lifts the lid on what we know about the universe, and how much more is still to be gleaned. The results will probably surprise even the most ardent armchair boffin. Among the posers featured here are: how did the universe begin, how will it end and what was there before it?

On starry, starry, nights - when looking up at the sky makes me breathless at the beauty of it all - I've pondered these very things. Who? What? When? Why? How? Watching this programme will make you realise just how insignificant our planet really is in the grand scheme of things - how petty are all the things we find to fight over (religion? Pah). The man himself says: "…my need to find answers to the fundamental questions about our existence is undiminished." Now that's what I call music to my ears. The series starts on Channel 4 tonight, and concludes next week, at 9pm. Watch and prepare to be astounded…
Channel 4 clip: Stephen Hawking introduces Master Of The Universe

Today I am mostly lovin' - Mad Men. Make a date to watch every Sunday on BBC Four (or catch up every Tuesday night on BBC2) because this is quality must-see television. Another fab US import.

Today I am mostly hatin' - Am I the only person creeped out by that Foxy Bingo TV advert? It's that bloomin' man-fox!

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February Mailbag

Sun, 02 Mar 2008 00:04:27 GMT

Regular readers of this blog will know that the first entry of the new month is about looking back. I've perused all the feedback and mail sent in during February. Here's what you've been saying...

Marie asked: "Can anybody tell me if Virgin TV is getting Lost back as I miss it - great show."

I'm assuming that Marie is, like me, a Virgin Media subscriber. For anyone who doesn't know, thanks to a bitter dispute between Sky and Virgin, for over a year now we Virgin Media subscribers have been without Sky's basic channels, including the likes of Sky One and Sky News. Marie, this acrimonious disagreement is heading for court. If you're really desperate to see Lost in the short term, get someone to record it for you (or switch to Sky).

I've had a response from a satisfied customer: "Hi madam editor. Many thanks for my Greggs scrumptious man's name. It's a pity u can't do any thing about Miss Phillips on GMTV. Can u do anything about those Loose Women? Enjoy your page - keep up the good work. Talk to you soon byeee."

Lawdy Miss Clawdy (one for Elvis fans), there just isn't time to tackle all that's so wrong with the Loose Women crew. They're the kind of females men run a million miles away from...

I wrote an article entitled Ashes To Anachronisms detailing some of the bloopers and goofs in the BBC's Ashes To Ashes. Some MSN users were not impressed: maygo wrote: "First of all I think Lorna Cooper needs to get out a bit more, so what if some of the content was too early, or not at the correct time period, why don't people just sit back and enjoy the programme for what it is: an entertainment programme, not a 1981 TV documentary." And JonJon1962 wrote: "If Lorna Cooper and Ambika Behal want a 'bona fide slice of 1981' I suggest they go watch a documentary. This is ENTERTAINMENT... Suspend your disbelief (and petty nit-picking) and BE entertained!"

Well, well, well. I have stirred a hornet's nest, haven't I? However, I stand by my article with regard to the anachronisms in Ashes. I took pains to point out the convenient excuse the people behind the show have for their various boobs and believe it or not, it doesn't always spoil my enjoyment. However, I feel it's pertinent to point out the reality for people who weren't around back then. Like I said in the article; it's 1981, Jim but not as I know it. By the way JonJon1962, our assistant Ambika wasn't even born back in 1981. And she's from America to boot...

Last word to my Spurs-supporting mate famouseccles: "Lo Coops. got a question for you. Is there any way to find out what the presenters think on Flog It, Cash In The Attic, Car Booty, and all, about the people on the show who do not seem to listen to the experts? You know what I mean: the expert says £200-£300 so they slap their own reserve on it of £400! If they don't want to sell it, why put it up for auction in the first place? They come across as very avaricious and me and her indoors are happy sometimes if the items don't sell (serves 'em right)."

Mate, next time I'm interviewing anyone from those shows, I shall ask for you, I promise. Maybe it's human nature famouseccles? After all, I bet you've screamed at someone to settle on Deal Or No Deal only to watch them go home with a measly tenner? It makes good telly though...

Thanks for all your comments and messages guys. Keep them coming in. That's it for this month as far as the mailbag is concerned.

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Black Entertainment Television - For Americans Only?

Sun, 24 Feb 2008 16:31:56 GMT

While I was building our tribute to 80-years-young Bruce Forsyth, I came across this 1978 picture of him with Derek Griffiths (A Royal Shakespearean actor who is a children's TV legend) and Kenny Lynch (a popular entertainer). It really took me back to a time when, as a child, I'd find myself shouting: "Mum, quick! There's a black man on TV!"

It was that rare an occurrence; a thing of wonder - like Halley's Comet.

Years later, at secondary school, I discovered it was a shared cultural experience; we all laughed about it, thinking we were the only ones who'd done it at that time.
Then I found out that Asian kids used to do it with their equivalents too. I thought back to that era when Viacom announced they'd be launching their Black Entertainment Television (BET) network in the UK. BET will make its debut in Britain on February 28 to more than 8.8 million digital satellite homes on BSkyB. We've gone from 'spot the black face' to 'spot the white face' - how ironic. But is it necessary?

BET is the most prominent US network covering black American entertainment and culture. In Britain, no direct rival of BET's size exists although Trouble, with the likes of Girlfriends, In the House, My Wife and Kids, The Hughleys and The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air, is giving it a fair whack.

Having watched BET whenever I've holidayed in the States, my concern is that BET UK will not speak to black Britons. Programmes such as those listed above invariably present an American model of ethnicity, not a British one. Just because we have the same skin colour, doesn't mean we have an identical experience. Black Americans and black West Indians and black Africans and black Britons - some similarities, some key differences. Just like the English and the Scots. Or the English and the Welsh. Or the English and the Irish (when my parents arrived here, signs for accomodation often read: 'No blacks. No Irish. No dogs').

As if to confirm my worst fears, BET International General Manager Michael Armstrong said: "For the UK version of BET, we will be giving BET's US content a regionalised look and feel that reflects the UK marketplace, and as we grow and develop the channel, we look forward to partnering with the UK creative industry to give BET an even stronger British accent." In other words more US imports; the more things change, the more they stay the same. The UK can look forward to shows that include American Gangster (narrated by Ving Rhames, it profiles some of black America's most infamous gangsters) and, rather bizarrely, Lil' Kim's Countdown to Lockdown. This programme, about the last 14 days of the rapper's freedom before she headed to jail, first aired two years ago! What's the bleedin' point of screening it now?

Armstrong insists, "We think we will be filling a void that has been in the UK for quite some time. We will super-serve the black British, Caribbean and African communities but we also have programming that is acceptable to all lovers of black culture." I agree that there's still a long way to go with regard to decent roles for black actors and ethnic minority programming in general, but black culture doesn't begin and end with American gangsta rap and dumb American crack dealers in jail. I identify with neither, seeing more of my family's experience in Channel 4's classic sitcom Desmond's (starring the late, great Norman Beaton). And until BET UK serves me up something like that, I won't be watching.

Today I am mostly lovin' - The Big Match Revisited on ITV4. Arsenal in our eye-bleeding green and navy away strip in 1983!

Today I am mostly hatin' - Omigod. How awful, how cringe-inducing were huge chunks of BBC1's Happy Birthday, Brucie? I wouldn't feed that script to my dog and Jon Culshaw doin' the Anfield rap to Brucie's catchphrases will give me nightmares for years to come.

To my Spurs-supporting mate famouseccles; the ideal outcome for me would've been both your lot and Chelski losing. However, I will say one thing: it was a good comeback and you actually defended solidly. Fancy a lasagne on me?

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